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Help- why am I so angry still?

(21 Posts)
ej3166 Fri 28-Mar-14 09:44:56

Hi- I don't know if this ramble will make any sense but I'd be truly grateful for some guidance;
I split with my husband 6 months ago- after trying to make it work for 2 yrs or so( we was together 10 years)
He had 2 children from a previous marriage he never saw as he said he couldn't afford the legal costs to fight his ex- who was making life awkward with his kids and his contact)I give you this background as it's relevant-
Moving on now- he has a flat just around the corner and had been an ok father when together.... But.. We split as he wanted to ride to the top of his profession and didn't want the ties of family life- wanted to be away- taking clients for meals etc.
So now we are at the point he has his son tues night and Friday night into sat morning.
But he "forgets" to call our 6 yr old son "because I was busy having a meal" .
When I pull him on this he says " I'm sorry" but then gets nasty.
This is a man I've watched cry because he doesn't see or even have the opportunity to speak to his children in a phone call.
I'm so angry these past few days - it's like a delayed reaction to our split.
I'm angry he forgets his son, I'm angry his life carries on as normal, living the high life, whilst I am scrimping and scraping each day, I'm angry I've become a single parent and see no hope of meeting anyone again and just existing - where is this coming from and how can I be strong enough to get through it??
I wanted to split- aswell as him- so why am I now so angry?
The lack of phone calls to his son because he forgot really hurts- who forgets their child? I don't, I call 7am & 7pm when he's with his dad :-( please help? Xxx

bluebell234 Fri 28-Mar-14 10:02:59

after separation there are phases of how you feel and I think you are in the angry phase now.
but angry for why he isn't making the effort you expect.
for now give him the doubt of everyone's efforts may be different.
try to continue as long as you can but don't upset yourself. after say 6 months if you see not enough effort don't bother about it, because he didn't see his other children either.
there are so many absent parents who don't even send a Christmas or birthday card to their children. it will be his loss in the long run.
please don't upset yourself and try to build a nice life for you and your dc. if he is like that its best he is out of your lives.

ej3166 Fri 28-Mar-14 10:08:14

Bluebell- thanks for your words- the only thing is I can't see how to build the nice life- I'm so lonely and I feel almost heartbroken:-( I just need a way to forget all that has gone on- I'm so jealous of his ability to just carry on with a good life:-(

phoolani Fri 28-Mar-14 10:15:31

Sounds like you're - justifiably - angry because the man you loved turned out to be an wanker. I think you'll find that the reasons for not seeing his other kids were a bit different to what he told you. Fighting for access doesn't cost that much and as he's 'climbing to the top of his career' and 'living the high life', it seems likely he'd have found the money for it if he'd been even slightly inclined.

bluebell234 Fri 28-Mar-14 10:26:03

being a single parent is a lonely life sometimes, many single parents experience that.
do you have family, friends around? this could help.
him leaving family life for high profession is strange and not wanting any family ties, this may include your son in the future. he wants to be free as far as I see.
forget about him, make your own life with family, friends and a job.
if he is going to have a high professional job he must pay a good child maintenance.

TheVictorian Fri 28-Mar-14 10:30:35

Thats the thing, with what you wanted eg to split but then when its happened it seems different to what you thought it would seem.

ej3166 Fri 28-Mar-14 11:08:29

I know that's the strange bit- I'm angry now- it's like it's hit me with this small trigger.
I'm also off work recuperating at the moment after a knee operation- normally I work full time shift work and don't have a minute to self- I think I'm having time now to grieve and get angry that this is not the person I thought it was. I'm angry he wastes opportunities to see/talk to his son for the sake of taking clients out to dinner and "looking the part". Whilst the rest of us are home worrying about a verruca on his sons foot and world book day outfits!
I'm gonna go see my step mum see if can talk any sense into me.
I think I feel a bit lost- I've got no aims- goals anymore:-( everything was family orientated.
Phoolani- I think u are so right- I always thought and held the belife he was badly treated as a dad with no access but I know if was me- I'd take it to the end.
He pays the afterschool and breakfast club fees - but that's so I can work full time.
This is the man I met who was on same wages as I and I helped care for his son whilst he was off wining and dining ppl to get the highly paid job he's got now- I feel he used me to get where he is.
Do you think this is just a bad day for me with the phone call trigger? Are there stages where when you think u are over it, something hits you.
I just want someone to implant a chip or similar that helps me get up each day and not think about it too much or get jealous his life continues!?!

bluebell234 Fri 28-Mar-14 12:16:39

you feel lost because your split is still new.
but in time you will build your own goals for you and your dc.
this is a passing stage for you with some angry, some upset times in it.
there is no chip for it unfortunately but time will heal it.
leave it to time.

FrogbyAnotherName Fri 28-Mar-14 15:50:13

ej in the CAFCASS separated Parents Information Programme, one of the things they spend time on is the emotions parents go through and they refer to a model called the "change curve".
What you are feeling is perfectly natural and shouldn't be suppressed or considered a bad thing - here's a link to the SPIP Handbook which has the information in it:

Separated Parents Information Programme Handbook

Hope this helps!

ej3166 Fri 28-Mar-14 16:27:02

Ladies , thank you so much for ur replies and the link you have given I will definatly have a look at that.
Has this been your experiences? Are u over it now? How long did it take ?

Monetbyhimself Fri 28-Mar-14 18:42:20

Being so let down by the man you loved is hard and you WILL feel angry about his behaviour towards his little boy. I agree that he has already abandoned one set of children and it's too easy for him to do it again. You do have to get to a point though where you can deal with your feelings towards him and still be the stable, constant consistent parent for your child. Lots of self care, support from friends and family, help with practical stuff so that you're less overwhelmed. With his history you are likely to face a lot of years of 'arrrgh' moments but keep your focus on yourself and your son. It may be that if he continues to let him down, you need to try and formalise contact but for now, let the anger flow. It's normal, it's natural and it WILL pass.

And keep posting. There are lots of us dealing with the fallout of fickle NRPs every day.

Kick boxing helps wink

ej3166 Fri 28-Mar-14 18:53:04

I hope it's normal because the rage I feel makes me feel abnormal lol lol I'd love to kick box but at present am recovering from knee op !
I've really appricieated the replies today- I'm a first time poster! And am so grateful for the kind words xxx

Russianfudge Fri 28-Mar-14 20:16:05

Ej can I put another spin on the not calling? It may make you feel better.

I don't think from what you've said that the lack if calls on your ex's part is through kindness, however, in the long term it may not be a bad thing. My dd has asked that her dad and I don't call her because it upsets her and reminds her we're not there. My dsd's mum used to always call right before bed and it used to send her crazy. It was like the whole day she was fine then mum would call and she'd realise how much she missed her. So him not calling may be okay, really.

I read a separated parents guide a few years back (I think it's called "the separated parents guide!) and it explained how frequent contact from the parent who wasn't having the contact at that time undermines the time they spend with the parent and can make things hard for the child.

I do understand how you feel. But I wonder if you could maybe just accept the contact times as separate. It may actually help your child in a way?

UncrushedParsley Fri 28-Mar-14 20:43:14

I think its normal to be angry when they mess about with their offsprings feelings. I still get angry about this two years down the line. I realised I should not be quite as angry about the other stuff though. I was married to an abusive arse, and still feel angry, both at him, and myself for putting up with it for so long. I am booked onto the Freedom Programme, starting soon. This is national, so may well be one in your area.

Monetbyhimself Fri 28-Mar-14 20:44:24

Not abnormal at all grin

Sometimes it's easier to just lower your expectations of your ex and arm yourself with the strategies you need to help DS cope with his dad letting him down. There are loads of age appropriate books available for helping children deal with issues around separated parents.

ej3166 Fri 28-Mar-14 21:08:06

I think you are all right-
I've told him tonight not to bother calling as he obviously can't be bothered so ease the stress on us all. As a child of a mother that walked out on me at 7- I longed for contact as a child- but I guess that's a very dif situation from my sons.
I just have to accept that we have very differebt( or so it seems now) parenting views.russianfudge- you could be right- also my ds can't be worried as he doesn't ask about his dad- doesn't ask about the call etc.
I am going to a parents evening on weds- I booked us in together but I've told him I don't want to go together- I'm going alone as I'm more of the parent.maybe wrong/maybe right.
I guess some men don't have the capacity to be parents when a wife isn't helping them!!!

UncrushedParsley Fri 28-Mar-14 21:23:14

ej.... can I suggest that it is possible this is bringing up a lot of very painful feelings from your own experience as a child? It may be that your GP could refer you for counselling, should you want it, on the NHS. I promise it does help. I had it, and it helped me.

ej3166 Fri 28-Mar-14 22:02:56

Uncrushed parsley- been there done that got t shirt- had pnd very very bad so am an expert in this field- which is probably why I want my ds to have contact with ex as I know how important it is to a child- even when they don't realise themselves!

Descalzada Sat 29-Mar-14 17:25:31

This mightn't be the solution for everybody but I used to feel angry that my x was so....... unencumbered after we split up. But over the years I realise that I chose him confused and I've really thought about the reasons why I was drawn to that low level of 'care' in a relationship. I understand and I forgive myself for making such a poor choice of father for my children. That helps a lot.

UncrushedParsley Sat 29-Mar-14 22:00:03

Des ...still working on that one. But hopefully will get there!

Russianfudge Sun 30-Mar-14 07:52:37

Yes!! Unencumbered! I felt exactly like that. I remember I once absolutely lost it because is seen on Facebook (I know, I know) that he tracked a 10 mile run during his then only contact evening that week. Dd would never have "let" me go out for a run yet when at his she'd happily stay with his to-become wife or his Mum and he'd just do his own thing. Seeing it made me so angry! There I was, all fat and out of shape drinking wine and eating crisps and he was training for a bloody half marathon.

But I did let go eventually. I realised if I planned it, dd was happy to stay with a friend or later my to-be husband and I got some of my life back to. I was angry with him because of the way I was choosing to live... Because I didn't feel I had any choices and he did. But I did have the best deal having dd with me.

He's married now and dd stays 6/14 days there. I have a career and I can run when I want to grin she loves her sm who is a real gem and his wife has helped ex to be a better dad.

You will get there. You just have to take the responsibility for your own happiness and work with what you've got. Instead of allow him to goon controlling your thoughts and feelings. I say "just" like it's easy burying know what I mean!

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