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(40 Posts)
Prforone Sat 01-Mar-14 02:13:07

In shock over what my DD told me earlier this evening and if I don't "air" it, I may implode!

ExH reduced the amount of contact he has with DD (9) recently to just EOW (previously every Sunday, every alternate Saturday and one night in the week). Turns out that on her weekends with him, he dumps DD on his mum on the Friday nights so he can go out. Drops her off early Friday evening, then collects her Saturday afternoon.

He has 12 other fucking nights off inbetween when he can go out. Is Friday night out with his GF or mates really more important than spending quality time with DD?

Wanker! angry

STIDW Sun 23-Mar-14 23:07:49

arob, I can understand how upset you are but looking at your post a lot of it is your issues. Sadly for whatever reason your relationship is over, but because you have a child together it's likely the father will be in your life until your son reaches maturity at least. Your ex is autonomous, he can move to anywhere he chooses, with whom he chooses and he doesn't have to tell you. Oscar Wilde once said it isn't selfish to live life as one chooses but it is selfish to expect others to live as one chooses. It isn't unreasonable for you to know where your son is staying at night but perhaps your ex doesn't want to tell you because he feels he can't trust you in your current frame of mind.

Your child is three and way too young to understand about the new bedroom where his father and the OW stay. Money and contact aren't related. Children often need time to settle when their parents separate and it isn't at all unusual for them to be stressed, tired and hungry after contact.

YOu are the constant in your son's life and if you react badly to the separation and his father your son will pick up on the vibes. It isn't at all uncommon for children in these circumstances to feel insecure and untrusting and cling to the constant. There is very little that is more harmful to a child's emotional wellbeing than the conflict between separated parents.

What children really need is for at least one parent to have a realistic measured view and forgo the determination of "who is in the right" and "who is in the wrong" and put their interests first. COunselling could help you deal with the pain and anger you are clearly suffering from and a mediator could help address some of the issues you have about the care of your child. If you reduce contact it is likely to escalate into a court battle and make matters a lot worse.

arob3837 Sun 23-Mar-14 21:05:21

I am sick of his lies, he moved straight out of our home into her house and still has not told me!
He has taken my upset confused little boy and shown him the new bedroom where daddy stays with this woman!
My child thinks daddy is going to take him away from his mum and has since slept every night with me!
I have to admit I don't mind and actually love all the extra cuddles.
Neither his father nor the desperate Doris that he has taken up with have shown any concern for my 3 year old boy's feelings in all of this.
This vile little man has not only cheated on me but on his own son.
My son does not trust him and frankly neither do I.
This so called fantastic father as he believes himself to be know only pays his half of the mortgage as advised by his "solicitor" so why the eff should I let this selfish prick play happy families with my miserable little boy?!
I don't want his dirty money, I just want him to leave us both alone. They are treating it like a game, once they have my little boy they have no interest in his well being and think it of no concern to collect him late and drop him off late tired and hungry as they only want to feed him one meal as they'll go off for a lovely evening on their own.
While I deal with a distressed overtired 3 year old who is hungry but too stressed to eat a proper meal.
I really do think that reducing contact is the only Answer as they are a selfish pair and do not consider the consequences of dropping off a tired hungry little boy after 6pm.... I don't even know where he is or who he is with!
it breaks my heart and I just want them to leave us alone, at least till my boy can make up his own mind!

clam Mon 17-Mar-14 19:56:49

Hmm, well if you're also calling your child's mother a whore, then is it any wonder she's not your number one fan?

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 18:38:13

Dear me you ARE an angry little pixie. Have you ever sought counselling for your issues ?

STIDW Mon 17-Mar-14 18:30:16

smudgerxxv, if you start your own thread about your ex's behaviour and/or full time dads rather than highjacking someone else's thread/issue I will respond if I see it.

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 18:26:39

Wow just wow. U just will not accept that there are females who abuse the system. Am gobsmacked. Each time u presume its in the females favour. Wow. U have no idea the hell I have went through to see my daughter and ensure she has a relationship with my youngest daughter and is a firm part of my family with me and my wife. Court appearences and a grovelling apology from the csa. My life firmly put on hold career wise till my daughter grows up. Thats the thing. Mothers get it handed to them on a plate. Dads have to fight for everything. U think I dont hate dads who dont bother about there kids. Of course I do . But for every bastard of a dad there is a whore of a mother whos motivations couldnt be further from the childs best interests. U just wont admit that

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 18:22:22

There's an echo in here.......

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 18:17:13

Lol and u wonder why he left u

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 18:14:10

He left because I threw him out and changed the locks wink

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 18:12:41

Lol and u wonder why he left u

clam Mon 17-Mar-14 18:01:23

Your ex's behaviour? No idea about that. Perhaps she won't send clothes because there's a history of them not being returned? Or being returned dirty, for her to wash?
What has her remarrying or having 2 incomes got to do with you providing financial support for your children? CSA is not for her, but for them.
Anyway, I'm not a single parent - I happen to quite like my husband, who is a thoroughly decent chap, so I have no personal beef on this subject.

As you were...

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 17:53:26

Solid don't be mean. Am trying to pull this one. Long time since we had one as feisty as this wink

SolidGoldBrass Mon 17-Mar-14 17:50:12

Bwhahah, look at the loser!

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 17:43:07

You are so right Smudgy. So articulate. So strong. Such a real man. I wish I had a man like you in my life grin

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 17:36:52

Lol. I love how u completely dismissed the point of my ex,s behaviour. Thats this site through and through. U do realise that womens lib happened to break up the family unit and double income taxes. When was the last time y heard a guy boast about being a " full time dad " milli tant

STIDW Mon 17-Mar-14 17:30:54

smudger, I'm not sure what your point is, other than attacking single mums. Mothers on this particular thread weren't whining about money?

clam Mon 17-Mar-14 17:28:00

What, so because you say you pay the required csa amount and see your children regularly (it's called being a standard decent parent, and shouldn't really require a medal but there you go), all those mothers whose exes don't aren't justified in being fed up about it?

Right, okay.

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 16:59:31

Lol f4j reference. I aint affiliated with anything just sick of this constant pattern of I want whats best for the child( money) bullshit. I have my daughter every friday to sunday and weeks and fortnights in the holidays. I pay csa every week yet am still a shit dad apparantly. I have my daughter nearly half the year ( my choice) mother gets full child benefits full csa is married again has 2 incomes yet wont send a change of clothes with my daughter. Excuse me if I have no sympathy for any mother whining about fkn money

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 15:18:45

Smudger-is that you darling ? Ahhh and we used to be soooooo good together. You should call iver some day. You've left a few of your Batman suits behind wink

smudgerxxv Mon 17-Mar-14 15:15:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Arob3837 - no one is saying it's acceptable for anyone, man or woman, to have such disregard for their child's feelings or wellbeing. Nor that it is acceptable to introduce them to a new partner so quickly.

What we are saying is that stopping contact altogether, denying your Son a relationship with his father is not the answer.

Believe me - I have been there. By 4 months after our split Ex was living with a new woman playing happy families every other weekend with my DS. 6 months later he had moved out and moved on. Just as DS was getting used to the situation. I cannot imagine how upsetting and confusing that would have been for DS. I tried to talk to his father and explain my feelings and get him to agree to access at his parents etc, but I didn't stop contact.

Imagine how upsetting and confusing it would be to have your Dad disappear from your life. For reasons you don't understand. Knowing your mother is angry at him. Surely that is just as damaging to a child, if not possibly more, than spending time with his new GF for a few hours?

Also it's not really a case of letting him do what he wants with your son. He is your ex's son too. And he has the same rights you do.

You have to accept you are both parents, but you both have different views and opinions on how to parent. The only thing you can do is work out how you can minimise the impact on your DS. Look to agree some conditions on contact. If anger is a problem perhaps look into what you might do to ensure your son's safety.

But please, think very hard about how you might be hurting your son by denying him his father completely.

As STIDW points out this could lead to a long and protracted court case or similar, and so could drag out your sons hurt, upset and confusion over everything for years to come.

I've seen this first hand - between my recent boyfriend and his ex. It was one of the reasons our relationship didn't work (nearly 5 years after they split up) and I am so glad I do not have to deal with the poison and vindictiveness that they both entered into. The person who came off worse was their poor son. A poor, confused, hurt, angry little 6 year old who was consistently used as pawn in adult conflict. Please don't let it come to that.

RandomInternetStranger Wed 12-Mar-14 00:22:52

I have no idea what advice to give but he sounds like my ex husband and an ex boyfriend of mine who would dump his kids on me & go out! I have no idea. I have to share my daughter with her Dad and it kills me and when I have her I can barely stand to go to the loo & miss that time with her, never mind going out for the night.

STIDW Wed 12-Mar-14 00:15:56

Being a complete sh*t isn't gender specific and it is no more acceptable for women to introduce their offspring to every man they hook up with. Fathers make just as good parents as mothers. Some fathers even make better parents than some mothers and vice versa.

YOur little boy has the DNA from both of you and if your ex has Parental Responsibility he has equal responsibility and rights to carry out those responsibilities. That means important issues such as living and contact arrangements, where a child goes to school, changing a name and medical decisions need to be agreed. When there is no agreement it is open to either party to apply for a judicial decision. In a nutshell unless there is a child protection legally you have no right to stop contact.

HOwever parents can decide day-to-day issues such as what activities children do and who they meet during their contact time unilaterally. It isn't about splitting time between parents or feeling uncomfortable with children spending time with the other parent. It's children's right to have a meaningful relationship with both parents and to feel secure about their identity.

IF there is independent evidence your ex is violent and has anger management problems and the behaviour is effecting your son the responsible thing to do would be to ask the court to put measures in place to ensure contact is safe. For example when it is deemed necessary a court can attach conditions or directions to a contact order so that contact is supervised, in a contact centre or indirect (letters, emails, internet or phone calls) or for your ex to attend separated parenting classes, a Dv perpetrator programme or anger management. If you just stop contact it leaves you on the back foot and takes longer to sort out because you may be perceived as being hostile to contact.

arob3837 Tue 11-Mar-14 22:40:51

Why is it acceptable for men to behave like complete shit's with total disregard for their children's feelings and we are left to pick up the pieces. It is not acceptable for men to introduce their offspring to every woman they hook up with.
There is no way I will be entering into a relationship anytime soon, my child comes first.
Even if I did meet the perfect man, which is doubtful as he does not exist there is no way my child would meet him until I was confident that this was a forever relationship, certainly not within a matter of weeks!!
After all how will my little boy ever form Fulfilling relationships if he is to follow his father's example?
The selfish twerp does not even have the respect for my little boy's feelings so why should I let him do what the hell he wants with my son?
The bully is a control freak and this is the last bastion of control that he has over me as he know's just how much I value my free time with my 3 year old.
The wretch is violent and has anger management issues another reason why I am uncomfortable with my son spending time alone with the man.

Prforone - obviously it's not great that he has reduced access, and yet Ex doesn't spend all the time with her, it's a shame she doesn't get her Dad more often.

But is it really that bad that DD stays with her gran?

It's good for your DD to have a relationship with her fathers family, and paternal grandparents, so you should be happy about this at least.

And (I say this part with a massive dose of salt) he is her parent and can chose what he does regarding her care whilst he has her. There will be times when you leave your DD in the care of family and it is perfectly reasonable for him to do the same.

You must come to terms with the fact that you can't control what happens when the ex has your DD, and that he will chose to parent her his way - regardless of what you say. You can't stop him being a shit parent. I can say this to you as I have learnt over many stressful months with my own ex.

My ex has my DS every other weekend. He has never had him more - his own choice.

He has always had him staying with his parents - in fact the ex lived there for a while - and it became obvious that he wasn't the one doing much of the looking after.

It got to me at first. But as long as DS is enjoying a relationship with the other side if the family, I have learnt to live with the general lassez-fair attitude of his father when it comes to looking after him. At least someone is actually looking after DS!!!

Arob3837 - I was in a very similar situation to you.... except my Ex moved in with the woman and her two kids by month 4. Don't stop contact. It really isn't what is best for your child and will only lead to problems and more anger in the long run.

2.5 years down the line and Ex is on the 3rd girlfriend he has introduced DS to, and the second one he has now moved in with. It sucks because it doesn't feel like that is the best thing for DS, or that Ex is putting DS first. But I actually like the girl that Ex is with now. She seems to have been a massive grounding influence on him. DS likes her, and seems much happoer seeing his Dad now. Do try to take a step back and don't let the anger cloud your judgement.

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