DD upset by her dad

[Prforone]

My 9yo DD came back from a weekend at her dad's this evening upset.

He has had a GF now for about six months and spends nearly all of his time with her and her DD (not that it's any of my business). A couple of months into their relationship, he decided to cut down the amount of time he spent with DD, saying it was no longer "practical" He now only sees her EOW, whereas he used to have her every Sunday, alternate weekends and one evening in the week. DD was really upset at first, saying it was because "daddy only wants to spend time with his GF". She's better these days, though sadly. has lost some of her enthusiasm to see him.

She got a bit upset in the week, saying she really wished that sometimes she could have a bit of alone time with daddy, as the GF and her DD are always present when she goes to him for a weekend. I said she should talk to him calmly about it, which she did, and he agreed that they would spend today (Sunday) together, just the two of them and go to the park. DD was delighted and looking forward to it.

But this morning DD said to ExH "Are you taking GF and her DD home this morning (they stayed at his last night) before you and I go out?" ExH's reply was that plans had changed and that wasn't happening now. DD said the four of them didn't actually do anything in particular today (apart from go out for dinner this evening) so she couldn't understand why she and him couldn't have just had an hour or so alone. Hence the upset, as she's convinced herself that daddy doesn't really care about her any more

I don't know what to do. I've tried telling her that daddy is allowed to have a GF and it doesn't mean he loves her any less, but she's so hurt. I can't speak to him about it as I get told it's none of my business (even though DD's happiness IS my business and should be his too).

I'm trying to stay neutral on this but I can't have my DD come home in tears because she feels pushed aside. If this continues, I'm worried she's going to get to a point where she won't want to see him at all.

[PrincessSophieSoph]

My heart broke as I read this, your poor daughter. You don't say how old she is but I having been in her position (having a dad who would say he would do something and then goes back on it to spend time with his gf) I really feel for her and you, it absolutely used to destroy my mum! My advice would be to talk to him if poss. and tell him how upset she is when she's coming home, maybe arrange to do a fun activity one week day evening?!

[WeekendsAreHappyDays]

The problem is how he choses to run his family is actually his business.

While I absolutely agree that he needs 121 time with DD bitter experience tells me there may well be more to this than meets the eye. Maybe rather than open a conversation with himwith dd says - start it with dd seemed a little upset do you habe any ideas on why?

[Prforone]

It's a great idea, Princess, but unfortunately ExH refuses point blank to see DD during the week any more. He won't see her at any time beyond the new "routine" he's set of EOW.

When DD got upset in the week, I did actually text ExH just to let him know she was feeling a bit left out and might need a bit of reassurance. After they had their little chat and agreed to their trip to the park, he then texted me to say he'd spoken to her and that nothing was wrong, and that I was making a fuss for no reason and should stop creating dramas where there are none

[WeekendsAreHappyDays]

Ok this is the problem we had with sd - she would just say whatever she though the parent she was speaking to wanted to hear - so finding out what she actually wanted was v difficult.

She used to tell her mother all sorts of simply not true things - because she felt a lot of guilt at "enjoying" herself at dads.

So dd may well have told ex everyrhing fine - not because she a liar - but because she cant cope with "disappointing" him

[PrincessSophieSoph]

I think deffo encourage dd to be honest with daddy, she probably finds it easier to talk to you since she knows you won't let her down and she hasn't got to fight for your attention... It honestly makes my blood boil! Men can be so stupid and selfish! Grrrr!

[Monetbyhimself]

It's horrrible that he's reduced his time with her so much. No wonder she's upset and vulnerable and it's crappy that he's ended up with a woman who encourages him.

Lots of reassurance and cuddles fior DD. The best that you can do in this situation is create a really stable, secure home environment so that she knows that no matter how fickle her dad is, she will also have consistency and security at home.

[cestlavielife]

you cant change him and how he acts.
you telling ex clealry doesnt go down well .

all you can do is support and practice reflective listening -you cant tell her what he is thinking or feeling because you dont know - it is his job to do that...
"yeh it must be really upsetting when you expecting something and it doesnt happen"

how to talk...has some good ideas on this
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21