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How to stop the guilt for keeping daddy absent?

(3 Posts)
cashmerequeen Sun 23-Feb-14 12:02:59

Oh god - story of 6 year dilemma. Non stop moralising in my head and I want an end to it!

I chose to go alone when pregnant because of foreseeing problems ahead for me and dd if I involved her father - he's an alcoholic/womaniser/takes drugs etc. I wanted to give her a good life and to avoid traumas. We made it great. We're happy.

She's now 6 and of questions about him started since being 3. Along the way I've been to see a family counsellor to check in with my feelings. On the whole I have no regrets about keeping him out of her life. But there is always this moral side that eats me up. She wants to meet him. But I've met him 2 times for coffee this last few months to hear from him whats going on in his life and he is drug dealing.Despite that, he'd like to meet her and start to meet on a regular basis. Its so very tempting and I'm sure they'd love each other and enjoy each others company - they have the same humor and she looks a lot like him. And I know it would stop the growing fantasy she has for him. It would also cool her enthusiasm for other men - she wags her tail like a puppy dog when she's around male energy. BUT, I have to decide not to go ahead with it. I see his means of making money as a dangerous world. I see him as no role model for her. He has no other interests or hobbies. Nothing to give her positive influence. He is out of the system, no registered address or tax paying. Even if we only met just the three of us, once a month or whatever, even once a year - what good can he bring her? It breaks my heart - but I also have to think about the fact that he may even build custody rights if I allow him to visit. What a nightmare that would be! He could potentially take her out of my sight and hang out with her and god knows who!

I only tell her good things about him - except to say that he doesn't know how to be a daddy as he's not so healthy and thats why he's not around. Recently I took advice by telling her it was in fact my decision too, to keep him away, because I'm here to look after her and make sure she's with healthy people that can take care of her. She doesn't make a problem out of anything. She rarely asks. But when she does she sheds a tiny few tears and needs a hug. So it seems to not be distressing her too much - but I worry about the deep internal impact it has on her emotionally. I feel it is there more than it shows. She bites her nails nervously for one thing - sometimes I wonder if thats linked. But besides that she's outgoing, fun, charistmatic, smart, popular and loving. And we get along fantastically.

So why do I still wonder if I'm making the ultimate right choice? Its killing me and I would really appreciate the support from anyone that is able to offer some advice - someone thats been through a similar thing for example. Or just someone that has some feelings they'd like to pass on about this.


ModreB Sun 23-Feb-14 20:28:48

I am the child in this situation. My DM was open from the start that my bio F was not in a position to be in my life, because of other things that went on in his life that had no bearing on me. I accepted this, although I romanticised male role models in the media for a long time. At one point, I was convinced that Tommy Steele was my father grin shows how old I am.

I am now in a long, happy marriage with a DH who has a wonderful relationship with our DC's. It was very strange to see the relationship at first, as I thought I had no terms of reference, but, it works.

Your DC will be fine, if she is loved, supported and encouraged.

cestlavielife Sun 23-Feb-14 21:41:02

tell her she will get to meet him when she s a lot older as he has done some things he shouldnt have and it s better she is a lot older when she meets him.

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