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Newly lone parent advice needed..

(5 Posts)
mushymoo Thu 20-Feb-14 22:13:42

Dd father left (had been cheating) and moved back to his parents.
I offered that he see dd on his breaks during the week and Saturdays while I work - so 3-4 times a week. Due to his personal transport circumstances changing he suggested only a Saturday when he can be dropped off to collect her (even though he's only a short bus ride away).
his parents have taken keepsakes from the house that we had been living in together and refusing to give them back, same as her birth certificate.
he only wants her on a Saturday and only very rarely asks how she is once inbetween his contact day, sometimes does not ask at all just collects her and drops her off. Yet on birthdays and Christmas he's saying he has a right to see her and if not he will take me to court for 50/50 custody.
He has not paid any maintenance yet either, I will be calling to arrange this tomorrow with CSA.
anyone have any ideas what his actual rights are?
makes me sick to think he can just take her on these special days and not bother the rest of the year, when he decided to leave!
any advice would be great feeling very lost and confused! Thanks in advance.

MiniCracker Thu 20-Feb-14 22:31:17

Birth certificate is not an issue as you can apply for another one. Do it and apply for her passport and keep that safe as you can only have one of those.

Make sure you have evidence that he has turned down more conatct eg emails from him. Going for 50/50 is probably an empty threat but make sure he can't misrepresent the past.

Yes it is shit to do the minimum and expect the glory days but it is very common. I prefer to have half of each Xmas than a whole year with nothing, personally, think what you would prefer. Treat it like a business negotiation, don't agree to something you can't live with just because he insists or bullies you.

You will find a way to make your time special, start little traditions of special things you do for birthdays, Xmas. Plans for mothers day, your birthday etc too.

Daddyofone Thu 20-Feb-14 22:40:03

Well, no one has many rights really except your dd.

He has a right to a say on her education, religion and major medical stuff but that's it as far as rights go.

There is no ideal situation. But as far as Xmas and b'days go... A lot of people alternate Xmas. One year with mum, one year with dad. Obviously the ideal for DD would be everyone getting on , but it's not always possible.

Birthdays ( I assume you mean dd's ) , well she's going to be having a party of some form I assume soon enough, ideally that'd include her mum and dad being there... I'd also assume ( again sorry ) , that you'd very likely be the one organizing the party with her school / nursery chums. So what's he expecting to happen on her b'day ?

Him not asking about her isn't that uncommon. Obviously you two aren't getting on so it might be he doesn't want to talk (?) ..

Key to everything is flexibility. Alternate Xmas, if his b'day lands on your day with dd offer to compromise, if Mother's Day falls on his expect the same back. As long as it's equal of course.

Best you can do is work out access, get maintenance sorted, and hopefully manage some form of civil relationship.

If he were to go to court ( sounds unlikely ) and they asked him why he didn't take you up on frequent offers of contact when he wants 50:50 what would he say ?

mushymoo Thu 20-Feb-14 22:53:31

Thanks for the replies.
The only thing he has said to turning down more frequent contact is the lack of transportation and only has relatives to drive him around on a weekend, despite us not living very far away (15 min bus journey) and I've even suggested he can come and see dd in my home and I'll leave them to it and go out for a while so she still gets to see her dad a lot.
I have also suggested as have some of his family members joint parties for DD's sake however he wants everything to be separate. I have also been reasonable changing agreed contact times and days so he could arrange other things for her birthday too. I feel like I am trying to be reasonable and it keeps getting thrown back in my face. He is also very closed and cut off when trying to communicate about dd. Is there any kind of legal agreement that can be made in terms of access, obviously with the inclusion of the odd alternative arrangement for special occasions? As every time he wants to change days or times he says with no prior warning and if I already have plans I get threats of court for equal custody.
I just want everything to have as little damaging impact on dd so I think a routine would be best for her to settle.
thanks

Minime85 Fri 21-Feb-14 09:11:53

as another poster said you need to keep evidence of all of this. either via text or e mails. can you try mediation to sort some of these issues out? you can get written things put into place with a solicitor but it obviously costs.

why can't he just get a taxi? or walk to see her? if he wanted to enough he would. you are doing the right thing by keeping it all about dd as that is exactly who is the most important in all of this and exactly who everything should be done for.
maybe it will improve as everyone gets used to the new situation.

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