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Not exactly a lone parent, not exactly not. Should I be here?

(16 Posts)
Isabeller Thu 20-Feb-14 20:40:08

My partner has Asperger's, we don't live together or share much (any?) of what you might call conventional family life.

I'm not complaining about this I just wonder if I belong here at all as I'm totally responsible for our tiny baby in all practical ways.

No offence intended to anyone including DP.

Anonymai Thu 20-Feb-14 20:54:23

Anyone can post in any section of mn so don't worry about whether you belong or not. I'll gently point out though that a major part of being a lone parent is the lack of support in ways other than the practical raising of children from the father of your child but I don't know enough about aspergers or your relationship to comment on the presence or absence of other support in your life. But if this section is useful to you, then it's all good.

Isabeller Thu 20-Feb-14 20:58:30

What a kind reply.

It is difficult for me to write what I am feeling because Asperger's is a disability so I feel bad saying I am, in many respects, unsupported. I am not uncared for but it is really not like a more conventional relationship.

MiniCracker Thu 20-Feb-14 22:08:50

Yeah post away as far as I am concerned, sounds pretty tough. Is there something in particular you wanted to post about?

Isabeller Fri 21-Feb-14 08:52:58

Thank you, I was pinned down by my tiny baby and not able to type a reply before. He was premature, corrected age now almost 3 weeks and committed to the velcro school of babying grin

I am really struggling to work out what I want to say and I may well be being unreasonable or just overtired.

I think I am trying to make sense of my situation, it really doesn't fit into a neat box.

I've been thinking about your phrase Anon that "a major part of being a lone parent is the lack of support in ways other than the practical raising of children from the father of your child" and wondering whether that applies to me.

I've been very caught up in caring roles in recent years and I've let myself get isolated in RL. I probably just need a friend to talk things over with sometimes.

BlackDaisies Fri 21-Feb-14 09:54:15

Your situation sounds tough. It must be hard to try to make sense of your relationship at the same time as dealing with your small baby pretty much alone. People are very supportive on this forum so post away! You can get advice about feeling lonely, coping with your baby's father/ lack of support. Sometimes it's good to celebrate ways in which you're coping too smile

Isabeller Fri 21-Feb-14 10:18:11

Rats, a baby foot ate my post grin

Thank you for being understanding. I'm just feeling the strain a bit at the moment.

littleballerina Fri 21-Feb-14 10:34:33

Ofcourse you should post.
In some ways I'd imagine that its harder to be a lone parent without actually being a lone parent iyswim.
How severe is his aspergers.

MiniCracker Fri 21-Feb-14 10:45:40

When people get a bit eye roll-y about people with partners saying they are practically a lone parent, it is because being a lone parent isn't just about doing bedtime alone, it is knowing that there isn't another parent who cares about you or sometimes even the dc, even if they are only at the end of the phone. (Sometimes the other parent is actively trying to make your life harder, which sucks)

It is pretty horrible to consider how long it would be before someone would realise you had dropped down dead, if dc are not old enough to use the phone/open front door.

I'm not sure how much of those things you have? Maybe if he isn't doing it already you could train your dp to ask how your day is everyday (Sorry am pretty ignorant about Aspergers perhaps it is wrong to think he isn't doing that). Because part of being parent is wanting to drone on occasionally about not-big achievements or concerns about your dc to someone who is invested in them. "I'm sure she is taller because she can now reach the door handle, blah blah."

Isabeller Fri 21-Feb-14 11:08:29

Yes you are right Mini (although funnily enough I was worrying about the drop down dead thing this morning).

MiniCracker Fri 21-Feb-14 11:28:09

I have exceptionally nosey neighbours who like to comment on what time I turn my lights off and on so I think we'd be ok grin. People on here have said they have set up agreeements with family or friends that they should check on them if they haven't heard from them in 24hrs?

Would your dp come and take over when you are ill? That is a real bonus, even just to fix you drinks and so on.

Isabeller Fri 21-Feb-14 11:54:37

Hahaha take over grin

I should think about the 24hr thing actually.

Thank you for making me laugh, and think!

cestlavielife Fri 21-Feb-14 15:54:18

there is a lot of info about aspergers partners and what they can/cannot do - abilities/disabilities.

eg rigidity/routine could actually be helpful - depends on your p's level of "dis"ability .

lack of emotional support doesnt mean he isnt capable of holding the baby or caring for it...or does it in your case?
wirte down what your p can/could do in terms of helping with the baby -

eg can he follow a list, go shopping?

watch the baby with written instructions on what to do if.... ?
etc.

caring for a partner and a baby is a lot to take on - how much do you have to care for your p if he around?
what is he actually capable of doing?

queenofthepirates Fri 21-Feb-14 19:02:54

I think it's bound to be a bit tough with a new baby regardless of whether you have a partner on hand or not. Don't be too hard on yourself just now, as a lone parent the best advice i can give is to go with the flow and enjoy this precious time. Be gentle to yourself and if you identify with other lone parents, come and join us! There's plenty of long established solo parents who find a partner but stay on this board to offer advice.

LizLemonaid Sun 23-Feb-14 18:59:52

That must b lonely, and in the run up to leaving m x i felt that neither single nor together confusion.

LizLemonaid Sun 23-Feb-14 19:04:07

Would u consider counselling yourself? My x has aspergers i think and if id been feeling better about myself i wouldnt have settled for that. I didnt realise i was settling tho as he was good looking and successful professionally

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