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Am I doing the right thing in keeping this baby?

(21 Posts)
Mintymoomoo Sun 16-Feb-14 21:23:56

I'm so confused and sad and just don't know what to do for the best!

I'm a single parent of 3 ages nearly 11,9 & 7 and up until last night I had a boyfriend of 2 years and I'm also 9 weeks pregnant by him, the baby was not planned and he has made it clear he does not want!

I thought I had made the decision to keep the baby and do it alone but now I'm panicking worrying if I'm doing the right thing for myself and the children I already have!

I brought my 3 up alone since they were all under 5 and things have got better and easier now they are older can't help thinking maybe I'm just going to make life harder than it needs to be for everyone!

I don't know at this stage what if any involvement this babies dad will have though I can say 100% he won't be great or that reliable and has drink/responsibility issues and if I keep the baby I will be attached to this loser of a msn for the rest of my life

But yet I can't imagine not keeping the baby!

I have my first midwife appointment tomorrow and I'm unsure if I should tell the midwife how confused and sad him feeling at the moment

It's just such a hard thing to deal with and if someone had said to me 3 months ago what would you do in this situation I'm sure I would of had an answer and felt 100% confident but it's not until you actually find yourself in that situation that you realise how bloody hard it is!

queenofthepirates Sun 16-Feb-14 21:45:06

I think if you can't imagine not keeping the baby, you've probably already know what you're going to do! You know it can be tough but a new baby brings so much joy that I can't help but think it balances out the hard times.

I think it is worth talking over your options with a sympathetic person (and the midwife may not be the best person to talk to, be prepared for that) and I think you could do with a vent for your feelings.

Whatever you chose to do, big hugs and congrats for being so brave xxx

foolsrushin Sun 16-Feb-14 21:47:40

WOW This was like reading my own story 6 weeks ago! If you would like to read my thread? Looking for the answers to the same questions myself hun hugs xxxxxxxx

Headwallbanging Sun 16-Feb-14 21:48:09

OP I was in your situation 18 months ago, except (at risk of outting myself) my 3 dcs were going on 4, 3 and 2). I posted on here because I wanted to keep and he didn't, the amount of support and sympathy I received was overwhelming. I kept my baby, went through the pregnancy and traumatic birth alone, I stuck by my guns and now we all (including baby's father) live happily together, at no point could I have imagined this would be the outcome.

You will live with your decision so have conviction in it, its okay to waver, I did plenty, my personal decision was far-reaching for my family, to say it was a contraversy would be an understatement, but people move on and we have progress.

Possibly mention to the midwife or a close friend how you're feeling, they tend to know us better than we know ourselves, good luck with everything thanks

tiredlady Sun 16-Feb-14 21:56:55

If it were me, I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy.Terminating may be upsetting for some, but for me the thought of being tied in any way to some wanker who wouldn't be a good father to my dc would be a deal breaker.
You however sound as if you want to keep this baby so good luck. I hope he mans up to his responsibilites and does the best for his child

SoonToBeSix Sun 16-Feb-14 22:08:06

Yes, you have already shown you are a good mother who can raise her children alone.

Mintymoomoo Sun 16-Feb-14 22:41:50

Thank you for your replies, I have spoken to a few of my close friends and have had mixed advice some say they wouldn't keep where as others would if it was them the only one thing they have all said is that they 100% believe that if anyone can do it alone then it's me!

I'm lucky I do have a supportive family and amazing friends who will all be there for me.

I know it's prob normal to feel like this as I'm also dealing with a very fresh break up to!

Always feel better for posting on here though, always wise words and support so thank you all, I think I'm just having a few down days but it will all work out how it's meant to!

revealall Sun 16-Feb-14 23:44:53

I have been in your position.
With the first my head said a big no (I had no money, no job and no where to live) and my heart said yes. I kept him and haven't regretted it.
With my third I knew I didn't want another child although I was in a better position to have one .It would also be my "last chance" so a big decision. In fact I miscarried whilst making the decision and was relived more then anything.
I think just go beyond the expectations around the pregnancy and simply think do "I want this child".
I'd also err on the side of caution. If you can't decide then that's probably a good indication that you can continue being pregnant.

foolsrushin Mon 17-Feb-14 09:50:26

My friends and family have said the same. Some said get rid of the baby as if he doesn't want kids I should respect that. I don't see it that way. I see it as we are in a committed relationship and that WE have a problem. That does not give him the right to run away just because he can't have what he wants. I was never once asked what I wanted to do and I mean not once! It was all about him not wanting more kids and how it was affecting him. I am still having doubts about keeping the baby to be honest but none based around his feelings. In my opinion if he had stood by me the chances are I wouldn't be pregnant now. I was too much of a coward to have an abortion and it just didn't sit right with me to do so. I see this baby as a way of getting out of an abusive relationship. And his walking no, running away totally takes his opinions out of the equation.
Keep updating hun as our situations are so similar. x

SingingGerbil Mon 17-Feb-14 10:49:28

Tough choice. Children start to get a lot easier once they pass the 7/8 mark and you are there now with your youngest. Throwing a baby into the mix would mean going right back to the start and when you have teenagers in the house, you will also have a very young child. Although it is a hard choice, just be sure that whatever you do is right for you and your family as a whole. Good luck.

Mintymoomoo Mon 17-Feb-14 13:11:56

Foolsrushin how far gone are you now? Do you have other children?

I feel the same we were in a 2 year commited relationship and he is a grown man, his behavior has been disgusting! I'm 9 week and still wearing my usual size 6 jeans and already he is calling me nothing but fatty, final straw came at the weekend when he kept referring to the baby as "the little cunt" even though the last few weeks he has said he is now quite excited by having a child as soon as he got a drink in him the truth came out and he was still questioning why I am keeping and he was clearly just trying to stick by me as otherwise he would look the arse if he walked away!

Either way now our relationship is over and if I go ahead and keep it will be to do in my own! I have my first midwife at 3pm today so will let you know how I get on.

Nice to know there is someone else out there in my situation, take care of yourself and keep in touch with how it's going, we can support each other xxx

Chocotrekkie Mon 17-Feb-14 13:14:49

Can you talk to someone - the midwife should be able to get you some counselling ASAP.

Eternity84 Mon 17-Feb-14 17:57:58

Our situations are similar apart from I am 39 weeks!! I have 3 older children from previous relationship who like yourself I have raised alone. So when I met someone and we seemed to be ready to settle down, was sorting out finances to move in. I found out I was pregnant and his true colors showed. We split up at 8 weeks and again for good at 16 weeks. It's been a hell of a hard few months, with very bad pregnancy and I am scared of doing it alone but know I can cope. I will never regret my decision to keep this baby but think I would of lived with regret had I aborted. Hope your midwife appt went ok xx

foolsrushin Mon 17-Feb-14 21:52:43

I am just 15 weeks and had no contact from him for a couple of weeks. It was all abuse anyway about how I had planned it etc. It is hurting like hell that he is not here anymore and I am struggling every day with my decision. That is my honest account of what is going on. I still love him but I know he isn't right. I have never brought a baby into the world alone so am scared to death. Like my ex yours sounds like a right nasty piece of work and think we are both better off rid. Let us know how you got on at the midwife xxxx

Mintymoomoo Tue 18-Feb-14 06:48:05

Foolsrushin and eternity84

Thank you it helps so much know others out there are going through the same thing!

My family and friends are hugely supportive and just pleased I have finished the relationship, part of me feels better for it as I can say I don't live him how I should and his behaviour and drinking has got me down skit on the past year, I know this is not a man I ever want to live with or have as a role model in my children's life, yet im scared stiff about doing this alone even though I know he would be no support at all!

Midwife appointment went fine today told here a little of my worries and situation and she was very kind and supportive!

ApocalypticBlackHorseman Tue 18-Feb-14 06:59:56

Sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. To be honest if you can't imagine not keeping the baby then I think you have your answer.

CheerfulYank Tue 18-Feb-14 07:09:13

I have a good friend who was going through this. She had a DD and later became pregnant by a casual friend. He was awful, begging her to terminate, threatening to kill himself, etc. She had had an abortion at one point and couldn't go through another. Her DD is 18 months old now and is the brightest little light...just the most precious baby. No, her dad is not around,nhas never seen her in fact. sad It's his loss.

I personally could never terminate, so I understand.

Morrigu Tue 18-Feb-14 09:21:33

I've done it. Was a single parent before from toddler age and found myself suddenly single again when pregnant.

I have a good support network through my family but tbh it's harder than I thought it would be, mainly because dd is bloody high maintenance and knows her own mind too much. I feel a bit guilty sometimes that I don't get the time to do things like read the other dc a night time story as dd is a terrible sleeper or I can get a bit grumpy through lack of sleep, constant state of the house or whatever.

I did at times feel the tiniest bit resentful as I had to postpone a lot of what I was working forwards while dad gets to do whatever he wants but I've come to terms with it now. Sounds horrible but just being honest. It won't be forever. Already we are fast approaching the 2nd birthday and before I know it, I'll be waving her off to pre-school.

Really the decision is yours and no-one else can make it for you. I had my own reasons for not having an abortion as I'd already been through one at a younger age and couldn't mentally put myself through it again. Good luck whatever you decide x

CouthyMow Tue 18-Feb-14 09:35:21

That's about the same age gap as I have between all MY DC's. I had DS3 when DS2 was 7y2mo. My Ex didn't want any more. DC's. He left when Ds3 was 4mo. He's now 3yo. It's not been easy, going back to sleepless nights was rough, but all three older DC's dote on DS3, and our life has been enriched by the cheeky little monkey!

The older DC's are happy to help, for the most part. Got them involved by having them at scans etc. DS3 is currently sat on DS2's bed watching Pokemon with him...

littlecrystal Thu 20-Feb-14 08:31:19

I would not keep but it is just my opinion. Yes you never regret once you have a baby, but I would not want to have any potential future relationship with that guy, and I would not want to deprive my children of the settled family and peace and attention. I have had a termination in the past and never regretted it, even though it was hard emotionally. So I think either way it works out in the end.

It would be slightly differrent let's say if you had one small child and it was your last chance to have a sibling.

I stayed with my H longer thab I should partially because I wanted a sibling for my DS1 (H had no opinion). We are splitting up now and if I was pregnant now I dont think I would keep it.

starlight1234 Thu 20-Feb-14 14:40:44

How are you doing?

There is not a right and wrong in this situation only what is right for you and your family...

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