Dd bday valentines day, she hadn't seen her dad since four hours at the end of December (her Christmas visit) he hardly bothers with her, forgets her age, name of her pets and generally is an ass. She comes back from an hour visit today (yes an hour) and tells me he's moved in with gf that he met five months after we split. This is the man that was a commitment phobe +++ I wish I could control how I feel but how do I get over this when it feels like it happened yesterday? We were married, had been together 15 years, and he ended up being a very emotionally abusive man. DD asked me last week if he ever hit me (watching a soap) and I had to say no, how could I tell her any different? She struggles to maintain a relationship with him, in fact I wouldn't say they have one, but I am really finding this hard
18 months is not a long time to get over this. Don't feel bad about that. Of course you will feel hurt and raw and wonder why he can commit to this other woman when he couldn't to you and doesn't to his dd. I've always found the suggestion that 'One week for every month you were together is when you can start to feel like you are moving on' seems to be about right. It may not feel like it now but one day you will find you have moved on. But that will take time and until then you will hurt and it will be hard. Even harder when you have to put on a brave face to your dd.
I know you don't want to hurt your dd but lying to her is not the answer. She may be wanting to tell you something and this was her way of broaching it. If her dad is an ass she will realise in time - she may alreadu. Neither you, nor she, can make him be something he's not. Just be there to pick up the piece and let her know you are always there for her.
It will get easier. Just take each day at a time and be kind to yourself. It is ok for your dd to know you are sad. She is probably sad too.