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My ex left me pregnant

(7 Posts)
foolsrushin Sat 15-Feb-14 11:04:14

My ex left me when I wouldn't have an abortion. All sorts of horrible things have been said and he will not talk to me at all. His mental state is unstable which he now has tablets for and supposed to be going for counselling. He smokes marijuana every day (not much but still smokes it) and at one point was doing a bag of coke every night. His personality is very volatile to say the least and I was always scared to bring up any difficult conversation for fear he would fly off the handle. I have been through hell and back with his nightmare of an ex. She stopped access when he started seeing me. Her and her kids vandalised my property several times. There was an accusation of child abuse but she didn't involve social services. He never puts the child to bed at a reasonable time and she has no routine at either home. He feeds her crap. That was another thing that did my head in. The ex called the shots he would find it hard to say no to her if she asked him to have her extra hours etc. Ii fully encouraged him to have his child as much as possible. One of his older children went through some stuff, drug abuse, stealing etc. I feel like I have sorted every problem out for him as he couldn't seem to step up.

I admit I have stayed in the relationship a lot longer than I probably should have. I am fully prepared to bring up baby alone but now I am away from the situation I can see how destructive and unstable he is. I am worried when the baby is born that he will try for access. I honestly feel that even if this man stops the drugs, sorts his head out that he would make an appalling role model. No one can change that much and he would still have a mean temper. He would shout and go crazy no matter whos kids were around. Added to that his appalling routine for child he has already.

In an ideal world every child should know its father but I think this one is an exception.

Please can I have some advice?

foolsrushin Sat 15-Feb-14 12:55:04

Should I block all contact if he goes for it? Or should I allow it? Anyone?

peopleplum Sat 15-Feb-14 13:52:20

I know others will disagree with me but I had no contact with my ex when I left him while pg. Won't go into details but like your ex, he was not someone who you'd want to be around your child. My child has never had contact with ex at all in his life and is a happy and well-adjusted teenager now. I moved away, changed all my contact details and have left that bit of my past behind. Throughout the years, lots of other single mums I've known have really struggled with exes using contact and legal procedures to manipulate the situation and continue abuse from afar, and it has a terrible effect on the RP and the child. I was always secretly relieved that I never had to put up with that, and I feel vindicated as ex was jailed a few years ago for a very violent offence.

Legally you're on shaky ground because if he insists on trying to get contact, the courts would agree with him. But in my case ex just never bothered to follow it up (isn't on bc so has no legal rights, though if he pushed he would probably get it through the courts). I think a lot of men won't bother trying to insist on contact when faced with the hassle of going to court, but many women feel a social pressure that they have to allow the child can know their father and end up allowing a manipulative situation to continue.

foolsrushin Sat 15-Feb-14 14:23:48

Thank you

I was thinking at best I would offer him a contact centre on his own after a drugs test. I am at the stage where I am mentally bullying myself for putting up with it for so long and feeling very guilty for being pregnant! I am all for kids getting to know their fathers but surely I cannot allow my child to be subject to the things his other kids have been? Talk about a wake up call!! sad
I am prepared to be torn a strip off but as it stands I will not be updating him on babys progress, scans or anything. I will also not be asking for him to put his name on the birth certificate. He quite frankly does not deserve it.

SummersDumbAsPie Sat 15-Feb-14 15:01:58

Let him do the chasing. If he chases it up, get legal advice. If he doesn't, don't contact him.

queenofthepirates Sat 15-Feb-14 19:33:22

Let's look at from the baby's point of view rather than whether dad deserves access or not (debatable certainly but legally shaky). Is it in baby's best interests to have a relationship with this guy? Has he in the past contributed in a positive way to his other children's lives? Will he co parent responsibly to enable you to both to make consensual decisions about baby's life choices?

If the answer is no, you have your decision made IMO.

foolsrushin Sun 16-Feb-14 17:10:56

Good points all of you. I just think that someone who allows a 6 year old to stay up til midnight and lie in bed half the day is a bad role model. It was a constant bone of contention. In addition she never had proper meals and was fed milk all day because that's all she wanted. I think its lazy parenting to say the least. If there is an issue with the other child he is too scared to say anything to her mum. Added to all that there is the temper issues he has and the drugs. I sound like a bitter ex but I have just seen the light believe you me. sad
I am trying to do the right thing and think ahead. My thinking is that I won't bother telling him anything seen as he has made his feelings pretty clear. Anything else is up to him but he will not be waltzing back in when he feels like it. Just feels so wrong all this

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