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So what do you all think?

(10 Posts)
Lonecatwithkitten Fri 14-Feb-14 09:14:59

Long saga leading up to this ExH leaves involves DD in relationship with OW within one week various concerns over last 18 months. He gets arrested for drink driving with DD in car loses licence and job. Finally DD confides in two staff at school about sustained verbal abuse from ExH and his P (OW). So I stop contact.
First I get the phone calls and abusive letters from his parents she is lying it's all my fault anyway.
Yesterday ExH said he is moving away as it is best to let myself and DD get on with it. I made various suggestions as to writing letters etc to DD to try and repair his relationship with her all knocked back. Ended with me saying perhaps you need to take your own legal advice ( he had had a letter from my solicitor stating contact was only to be supervised), to which he said 'I don't need legal advice I have done nothing wrong'. Just for completeness his P only has supervised contact with her DD due to neglect issues.
My feeling on this statement is if you had really done nothing wrong you would be fighting tooth and nail to clear your name. What do you all think?

afromom Fri 14-Feb-14 09:40:18

Is your DD sad that she won't be seeing her Dad? If not i would say that you are better off ignoring him and letting him move away! It sounds like he is not a good role model and her visits to him are both unpleasant and dangerous for her.

Speaking as someone who has an ExH who has messed our DS around for years, I would say there are actually times when they are better off having no contact at all.

If he fights you for contact later on you have good evidence, from both the police and school to say he is not suitable for unsupervised contact, so if he chooses not to get legal support, more fool him!

Good luck.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 14-Feb-14 09:48:59

DD doesn't want to see him and she is 10 years old so her views really count.
I have to admit inactivity is his normal position, hence why we only have a decree nisi after 18 months and finances on his side are a total mess.
Yes I think we will be better off. I just really get fed up with being blamed yet he is not prepared to step up to the plate.

afromom Fri 14-Feb-14 10:13:16

I know what you mean... I am currently in a battle with ExH as he wants to take DS abroad, to a volatile country, for a week. When he looks after him here I have to pack him up with a lunch or he wouldn't get fed all day, DS says he doesn't want to spend time with him as he is on the phone all day for work and ignores him, and... He wants to take him away then send him back on a 14 hour flight on his own, with a change in the middle. DS is 9, has high level anxiety and multiple food allergies! But no I'm the unreasonable one! I just don't want him to see DS!

It seems whatever we do they will always find a way to turn it round on us. What I have come to terms with is that the reason for this is because my ExH is completely unable to see things from anyone else's point of view other than his own. He can't see that DS doesn't want to spend time with him (that is irrelevant as he wants to see DS). He can't see that the decisions that I make are for DS, as he is unable to understand how anyone can make a decision for the good of someone else.

afromom Fri 14-Feb-14 10:13:48

Sorry for the rant! Didn't mean to make it about me! shock

afromom Fri 14-Feb-14 10:16:54

The good thing for you is, if he errand on the side of not doing things, it will be unlikely that he would go to the trouble of fighting you for contact.
You sound like you are doing everything you can to make it as easy as possible for your DD. she will thank you for that later on. smile

LilyBlossom14 Fri 14-Feb-14 10:17:09

I too agree - you are better off without him. Him and his OW may blame you, but those who know and love you will know the truth.

Your daughter is very lucky to have you - you will both be more than fine I am sure. At the end of the day it is his loss, he is missing out on so much and the sole responsibility for that lies with him. You have done your best and that is all you can do. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 14-Feb-14 10:29:49

Afromum this is exactly how I feel. It is all about him, he never ever thinks of anyone else.

fingbusymum Fri 14-Feb-14 15:47:54

Afromom, just say no to your ex. Taking your son abroad to a volatile country is not appropriate, especially since your son suffers from anxiety. Flying back alone with a change of plane is not on either. I have realised that saying no is our prerogative, as the main carers, and we have to take these decisions for the sake of the children and our own anxiety levels, even if no is a difficult word to say. He cannot insist on taking your son, and no judge, doctor or other professional would agree that the trip is a good idea.
Lonecat, the fact that your ex has a new P who has neglected her child should tell you enough. Your daughter has been verbally abused. She needs time to recover and to be with you free from anxiety and dread that she might be left again with her father and/or his partner. Don't worry about their relationship, your ex has already damaged it beyond repair (at least while she is young and vulnerable) and she needs you to protect her now.

afromom Sat 15-Feb-14 10:53:15

Fingbusymum I think i live with this fear that he will fight me for it and i (and DS) will lose.. i have said no, it's hard though as he has PR too and having gained advice they have told me that I can't stop him from taking him out of the country without it getting nasty and going to court. I will of course do that if I have to as there is no way that he is going! I have logged my concerns with CAHMS worker and the school, so i have 'professional' back up that its not a good idea.
Realistically I think it will be too much like hard work for him to fight me for it anyway, much like the OPs partner he expects things to just happen and when they don't has a strop and it goes no further. Thank goodness!

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