I'm actually this posting on behalf of my fiancé as we need advice.
To summarise -
Her ex has been abusive in the past and we're worried about the child's care now when visiting. We're trying to move but he's holding us back. He's become increasingly abusive towards her. Money is now a big issue.
In depth -
She was in a relationship to her ex husband for about 10 years, married for around a year, but left him just before the birth of their son due to verbal and physical abuse, then finding he was cheating on her with other women.
We met almost 2 years ago now and are engaged. Shes a nurse, and I'm in the military which keeps me away, especially when I'm deploying at the end of April for 4 months. Before I knew I was deploying we'd been arranging to move in together and sell her house, which is jointly owned by her and the ex, but she lives in it, and since buying it she's been the only one to pay any of the mortgage, even when they lived in it together. There's only just over ÂŁ1k equity in it.
Now, last year a court order was put in place with respect to her son's custody after a period of abusive confrontations at her doorway and threats, including letters and texts - she has primary custody and he can see him every fortnight, 8am Sat - 6pm Sun, with changes to be notified of 2 weeks in advance, and a holiday available to him during the summer.
This has been stuck to by the letter by us, but hes been late a number of times with pick ups and drops offs, and once had to have his mother (the grandma) collect his son, and once had a friend drop him off. There's also been concern about the child's care - particularly with changing his nappy and what he's being fed, including bahavioural issues; for instance, the past 2 times he's come back with a mouth covered in chocolate, then been sick, and had nappy rash (to the point of blistering) and a soiled nappy immediately on being dropped off. This has all been documented by diary, including some pictures of the rashes, and when confronted on the care, her ex becomes abusive. The police have been called when this abuse has become more personal towards my fiancé, but they can only log the call and state it's a civil matter.
When we first looked at moving to be closer to where I work, about an hour and a half away from where she is now, we let her ex know and that was fine, until just before christmas. After having a new house and buyers for the old house lined up with offers accepted, he's refusing to sign off on the sale or even attent the solicitor's to confirm ID. There's now even confusion as to whether he's being represented at all as his solicitor has left the firm and doesnt know if he wants representing due to a lack of communication, and the ex again becomes abusive if we ask him about it. The only contact from him has been one letter from his solicitor before he left the firm demanding a change to visitation, including an extra day at weekends, extra holidays including leaving the UK, and that we be the ones to drop off and collect the child just 5 minutes away from his house. Obviously the court order was only due for review 5 years from when it was made.
So we now need advice on what to do next with this. We've luckily been able to get a mortgage on my salary and savings alone, but this isn't finalised yet and it's at extra cost and we still can't sell her house which means we're still paying mortgage costs. There's also a real concern about the child's care when he's with the ex. Over the past two years I've come to think of the child as my own, and I've strived to spend all my free time with him and my fiancé even though they live an hour and a half away from where I'm based. I can't bare to think of him being neglected and punished for what should be an adults dispute between my fiancé and her ex. I've also helped her with child care costs, paying the mortgage on her current house, and court costs when we initially set up the court order, for which she also needed a loan from my parents.
I'm now dreading having to go away now because I feel I'm leaving the two of them open to harm from her ex.
Thanks to those who managed to read all that, but it's a complex and delicate situation. Any good advice would be massively appreciated.
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Poor child care by abusive & neglecting EH
11 replies
deuce2400 · 12/02/2014 00:03
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