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Recently widowed, Mum to 3 10,6,4, Very daunting to be doing this alone

(12 Posts)
louismama Mon 10-Feb-14 01:13:05

Lost my DH to cancer in Oct following a 5 year illness, had thought to be in clear in May yet died within a month of going into hospital, 13 days after terminal dx. Should be used to doing this in my own but have suddenly lost all confidence and am feeling very daunted about the futre. Anyone else with similar experience could do with some reassurrance right now.

tallwivglasses Mon 10-Feb-14 01:18:33

Nothing like your experience but lots of recent bereavement, it's fucking tough. So sorry for your loss, you will be okay.

If traffic's slow here, maybe post on Relationships? There's some wonderful women there, day and night x

Missymoomum Mon 10-Feb-14 02:13:34

I'm really sorry as i don't have any advice but i really didn't want to read your message and not reply. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 10-Feb-14 09:33:32

I am so sorry for your loss and can't imagine how sad these has been for you and your children.
Regardless of how we end up lone parents we all have phases where all we can do is keep getting up in the mornings. No matter how long we have been doing it things loom on the horizon feeling daunting.
What I have learned is you need to make a tiny bit of time in your life that is just for you. I go to a choir once per week for just 1.5 hours, but I return feeling just a bit fresher and able to deal with things.
Don't put unnecesary pressure on yourself so if you don't feel like washing the kitchen floor then don't. Take time just to sit, watch crap TV, read a book or make something. Again I have taken up crochet I found a couple of lovely on line communities and I have made some beautiful things.
One day you will get up in the morning and it will be just a little easier, till then have brew and cake.

BadlyStuffedWalrus Mon 10-Feb-14 13:41:24

My deepest sympathies for your loss.

I'm three months ahead of you in this, though I only have two kids and not all the time due to a co-parenting relationship with their fathers (my partner was a woman).

Sole parenting is hard. It's grim trying to get through the daily routine without someone else around to stop your youngest coating the kitchen with granola while you snatch the shortest shower in history. It's grimmer still when you're grieving.

I've found the grief getting more manageable has made the parenting more so too, though I'm a far worse parent than I was when my partner was alive and I could take a few minutes out for myself on a bad day. But it does get better, and you get more used to it (believe me, I am so much more myself than I was three months ago and you will be too).

Don't be ashamed to accept help from friends and family. They will want to do something for you if you will let them.

Also, it's ok not to be ok. Sometimes it will hit you like a brick and it's not something anyone expects or needs you to power through. Be very gentle with yourself.

exexpat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:49:23

I was widowed more than 7 years ago, with DCs then aged 8 and 3. We have been through a lot since then, but we are happy and settled, the children are growing up and doing brilliantly at school, and emotionally we all seem to have coped so far. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You are bound to have ups and downs, and just when you think things are going OK something else may arrive out of the blue and knock you for six again (eg about a year after DH died, just as I was getting DD settled into reception and sorting out the house I'd just bought, my mother, who had been helping a lot with childcare, had a fairly major stroke and suddenly needed my help) but somehow you will find the strength to deal with it.

cestlavielife Mon 10-Feb-14 15:10:27

sorry for your loss - i became single parent with d age 11, 8 and 5 - ex had severe mh issues so was not around to help (in fact he hindered) .

not same as you but i do sympathise.

get all the help you can get - family, friends, hire an au pair / cleaner / baby sitter - whatever it takes.

Lily311 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:19:03

My partner died nearly 2 years ago. It is tough when grief attacks you, there are months when I'm doing so well than weeks when I don't. But I find that my daughter keeps me going and she can make me smile even when I want to cry. The loneliness And the responsibility are the worst, and making decisions. But you manage and cope. And never forget how well you are doing raising those children.

louismama Mon 10-Feb-14 23:37:20

Thanks for all your posts, it's a bad day today, Friday we had another family breavement; as all senior members of the family were out at the theate muggings here got the call and had to break the news to everyone. Am particuarly daunted by attending another funeral so soon, also have his mom's wedding to attend this weekend with our children so it's all pretty full on at the moment. Am going away half term so am hoping the change of scenery will help with recovering from the trauma of the wedding, hours of brave facing etc. and help me muster the stregth to face the funeral after.

The children cope amazingly well, but are all receiving professional counselling with seperate organisations (managed to get all that in place before allowing the grief demons in)
but they crucify me daily when they talk to a star or kiss his photo. we were together since I was just turned 15 so it's simply being on my own that's so hard, before him I had my Dad as my rock and he's also been taken by the dreaded cancer a couple of years ago now. Tomorrows another day, another school run, a reason to get up.

RMPM Tue 11-Feb-14 01:16:55

Louismama.. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Sending you lots of hugs and love xx

nicecupoftea2013 Thu 13-Feb-14 18:16:12

My sons were 8 and 10 when we were bereaved. The positive is that we became much, much closer and we are a much stronger team.

The kids become your rock, as you dont want to give the kids extra heartache to deal with. If you fall apart, it hurts them, and you dont want to give them any more pain so somehow you stay strong because you have children.

I havent got any family, so if I can cope i know you will too x

tribpot Thu 13-Feb-14 18:23:07

Very sorry to hear of your loss (and all the other posters too, of course). Have you looked at the WAY Foundation?

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