Missing DC(5 Posts)
Hi there, long time lurker, don't post much, but I am in need of some mn wisdom. I have been considering leaving DH for a while and although I think I need to, the thing stopping me is DS, who is 13 months. I work 4 days a week and so only have 1 weekday and the weekends with him as it is. I miss him so, so much when I am at work and really cherish the time we have together. My DH works full time, but is a very hands on dad and I know he would want 50:50 split. This means I would only get 1 day a week with DS sometimes. So, can anyone answer me the following questions. 1) If I can show I am primary caregiver (I do all pick up and drops off for childcare, 95% of bedtime routines, get up in night and mornings etc) is it likely that I could get to be the resident parent? 2) Does being apart from DCs get any easier? I am hoping so, because when he was a tiny new baby I literally couldn't bear to be parted from him even for a trip to hairdressers and obviously that has worn off. I cant decide what will hurt more. Staying in this relationship or being without DS so much. I know I should 'man up' but I just don't want to make the wrong decision.
P.S. I know I sound cold towards DH but there is a back story.
I'm not sure it gets any easier but you do get more used to it I suppose. I remember in the early days DD going to dad was a real double edged sword. It was good to get the break (you'll appreciate that more when your DS starts talking, walking, climbing etcetera) but I missed her terribly.
It helped a lot when she got old enough to talk to me and for me to explain to her what was happening. I used to worry a lot that she would wake up and not understand why I wasn't there . In fact even now I worry that we did her some irreparable emotional damage.
All that said, you can't possibly spend the next 20 years with your dh because you worry about missing DS.
I think its about asking what is better for the child. I would find 50/50 very difficult. my split is prob more like 70/30 my way. they stay 1/2 nights a week and he also does some school runs too. I work full time but his job makes 50/50 very difficult and not giving dcs a routine.
I enjoyed time to myself initially but I miss them (9 & 6) but busy myself with stuff.
what's important in my views and my stbexh is that the dcs have a good relationship with both of us. that as much as we can we co parent but we are only 4 months or so in. its tough but I know they are happier now, after initial shock and upset. its a calmer happier home and on a day to day basis that matters.
Yes it gets easier as with everything life throws at you. Routine is the key to 1. Settled happy child and 2. getting used to being apart from you child. By that I mean once in a routine you know where you are and when you will have your child with you.
Some parents and so called experts are vehemently opposed to 50/50 parenting. However I have been doing it for near 10 years now, my son knows exactly where he is and has always liked the routine and "fairness". Yes his words, he has always liked the fairness of being able to stay with his mum half the time and me half the time.
The way we worked it out is like this.
Mum's time Week 1. Saturday teatime (5ish) untill Wednesday.
Week 2 Sunday morning (9ish) untill wednesday.
Hence Dad's time Week 1 Wednesday (after school) untill saturday tea time (5ish)
Week 2. Wednesday (after school) until Sunday morning (9ish)
Does that make sense? Also being flexible is very useful. We work school holidays out based on what we are all planning to do.
Obviously our son is in school so mum takes to school wed and I pick up.
The key to the success of our situation is to keep talking and be as friendly as possible and keep away from any court! Realise that neither of you "own" your children and they are better off having a good relationship with both parents.
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