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Contact issues...

(9 Posts)
Longlive2014 Thu 06-Feb-14 17:58:29

Back story to current day - try to keep it short...

Ex and I split due to his dv and ea to me and our children. After nearly two years of no contact he takes the matter to court with no warning.
At court I agree to a very generous amount of contact hoping he had changed after speaking to him, and it's ordered there be no order.
In the few months he has had contact every time he has contact dd (aged 7) has complained and or been upset over being left out, feeling unsafe, Ill, scared, uncared for and is remembering his previous behaviours and is not wishing to see him. He also stands at the front door arguing and shouting at me with the children around, intimidating me and scaring dc.
Ex lives 4-5 hours away from me and takes them to his.
After 5 months of encouraging dd to continue contact I told ex that due to dc not wanting to speak on the phone that I think it best he not take them to his that weekend, that far away because she is distressed and that I was going to see my solicitor to get advice on what to do with the matter.

I'm advised to offer contact supervised by myself, in hope this will build dcs confidence, trust and relationship.
Their father is now denying this contact due to it being about him and them and because he wants his family there to help him with the kids and is "serving papers" on me this week.
I have offered contact, indirect, phone calls and supervised by me contact in public places, even at my house. He says it's all my doing and me with the issues. Dc doesn't even want to see him with me there... And he just thinks it's me. He says he doesn't want to meet them and me in a public place because he will start arguments with me. I have no family close by that can stand in for me instead.
I have made the children available...?

What is the likely outcome in court?
I'm so nervous and scared at the idea of him doing pick ups now. What if dc won't go with him, if they order it that he is to take them to his?

He will just keep reapplying to court to hurt me, he think it scares me and likes to see me stressed. - surely he can't keep applying if I'm making them available?

Monetbyhimself Thu 06-Feb-14 18:53:59

Do you have a good solicitor ? One who specialises in family law with experience and interest in DV? Speak to Womens Aid for advice if you don't.

If you have any emails or texts about the contact you have offered, then make sure you keep those.

It may be that a court childrens officer will be involved at some point to talk to the children, but different courts and judges will take different approaches. It may be that you need to consider an independent contact centre. Make some enquiries locally-the salvation army run a contact centre locally here.

Longlive2014 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:29:47

I do have a good solicitor one of the best in the city, who specialises in family yes, and I'm lucky enough to still be able to get legal help, but not legal aid. But like anything it's hard for them to predict the outcomes and this was before he replied turning down contact. He did say that if he turned down contact that this would be frowned upon, and the fact he is being unreasonable and not taking dcs wishes into consideration.

I have a copy of the letter my solicitor sent him offering contact, and numerous emails offering the contact, and replies via email of him turning this contact down because it is contact I have offered and because it doesn't involve his family and he will argue with me.

Unfortunately I am not in the position to be paying for a private contact centre, and I know that their father would not turn up nor pay for it. He wants them on his terms, in his home or not at all by the sounds of it.

I think that the local court may do a wishes and feelings report as I know a friend had one with her son.... Hopefully they do.

He decided to accept a phone call tonight, one out of three spoke to him. I handed them the phone each and said "it's your dad" and they both said they didn't want to speak to him, which is new as it was only one that didn't want to speak to him. I'm not going to push dc now though for why he didn't talk to his dad, I'll mention it over the weekend. I don't want to make it a huge deal, and I never pressure them or question them. I always wait for them to come to me. Or should I question him?

Waiting for an nasty email now of their dad sad

KingRollo Thu 06-Feb-14 20:15:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 06-Feb-14 22:57:40

if he is abusive and threatening to you, call the police. (in addition to the advice already given)

cestlavielife Fri 07-Feb-14 12:11:38

contact supervised by you is never going to work as he has issues with you... you should not have been advised to do this.

do you trust his family?

Longlive2014 Fri 07-Feb-14 17:43:46

Until Christmas I have handled the intimidation and threats. And it was witnessed by my neighbour once too.
If it was to be in a public place I don't see the issue... If I am comfortable enough to do it after how he has treated the dcs and I I don't see his issue.
I didn't plan on sitting there grilling him, just at another table etc, reading a magazine generally being there incase dd wanted me, or something happened. I have always kept the conversations child focused. If he tries to push my buttons I let him say his thing, say ok and then mention the kids or wrap up the chat.

His family are half of the issue why dd doesn't want to see him.
They also refuse to speak to me, acknowledge I am there mother and call me "c*nt". So in a word - no. I don't believe there is enough of a relationship for them to hold the contact. I have no family close by to act in this role either.

I want it to return to every other weekend. But not if the dcs aren't happy. It's not like he lives around the corner and can bring them home.

lostdad Sun 09-Feb-14 18:49:40

If he is denying contact with the children he's not doing any case he opens any favours...seeking contact.

He'll be seen as contradictory and not child-focused.

As for outcomes in court...well - contacts to do have a presumption of contact (in theory...indirect contact is still `contact') and an expectation that it will progress where possible.

DV isn't a bar to contact either - there is case law relating to this but of course that depends on the benefits versus risks of contact.

I would recommend you keep a diary of events - what happened when. Your DD's opinion will count somewhat but she's young now and it won't be a determinative factor.

Daisypops Tue 11-Feb-14 17:58:21

Longlive. I too have had this problem with my dd age 7 not wanting to see her dad. It was very difficult and of course it was my fault! Dd has hinted again this week that she doesn't want toogo to her dads house, where he lives with new gf. He refuses to see them at a relatives and insists on both dc going to his house.
What do I do? Force her? Have her kicking and screaming when she goes and resenting me when she comes back or respect her wishes.
In the end I told exp and said I am not upsetting her by forcing her to go. He understood. I continue to encourage her to see her dad but its obv not working.

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