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Anyone a single parent to a special needs child

(11 Posts)
veryconfused2 Wed 05-Feb-14 23:18:44

I have a child who has autism and ADHD, aged 8. Before Christmas I found out my DH is a bisexual cross dresser and has been interacting with other men sexually online , webcams chat rooms etc throughout our relationship

I don't know if we are staying together or not. If it wasn't for DS I would 99% certain leave. One of my biggest concerns is naturally DS, who is DH's stepson. Lots of issues to worry about - I work from home but occasionally work evenings so don't know where to find childcare for a disabled child for that. I am OK financially short term but when DS reaches 16 I suddenly lose all the tax credits etc and then I am in a big black hole financially. I worry that I will not meet anyone as no one else will take DS on. Fundamentally me and DH work as a family unit but it is more like 2 friends than a could and I am really struggling to get over what he is and what he has done.

Guess I just wanted some perspective on others who are single parents to disabled children and how it has been for u?

cestlavielife Thu 06-Feb-14 13:50:58

specialistafter school clubs, direct payments via ss for employing your own carers - there are ways around childcare issues. get assessed by ss and ask for direct payments.

have 3 DC one with severe LDs autisme tc . now 17. move to adulthood even more interesting....

creepingdownstairs Thu 06-Feb-14 15:09:17

I have a ds with autism, have been a lp for almost all his life. DS goes to special school and I found it impossible to work with his high level of needs, esp as I have health issues of my own. I find it OK managing with DLA, carer's allowance and income support, tax credits etc. We got a council flat due to his needs and HB covers all of the rent. We get short breaks from our local authority but not direct payments - ds's behaviour is too challenging for most carers and the few that I've trialled have had very poor training in autism. I'd rather care for DS myself than leave him with someone who doesn't understand his needs.

Look out for other sources of financial help too (charities etc) - we get grants every year from Family Fund, have had free holidays through Cerebra and a local charity, funding for devices like ipad etc.

We've been advised that DS is likely to get PIP when he turns 16 so I'd continue getting carers/income support after that, so not too concerned there. If you can keep your DS in school post 16 he will still be able to get tax credits - ds is likely to stay at his school until 19 and you can get tax credits up to age 19 as long as it isn't higher ed.

veryconfused2 Thu 06-Feb-14 15:48:53

I guess it's useful to know there is support out there. I really enjoy my job so want to try and carry on if I can. Hopefully his dad will help a bit.

DS was in special school now mainstream with full time 1:1. His autism is manageable I find it's the ADHD that scares me

Foxy800 Thu 06-Feb-14 16:14:35

Hi, I am a single parent to a 7 yr old with ADHD, have been for 2 and a half years. It is very very hard work and there are ways to deal with it, I just take it day by day. I did have to change my hours at work but by doing this was around for my dd more.

If it is the way you want to go there are places of support out there.x

veryconfused2 Thu 06-Feb-14 16:27:33

My job is flexible apart from that I have to work about 40 evenings per year. I am just frightened of the future with DS but don't know if I can deal with what DH has done.

Foxy800 Thu 06-Feb-14 17:02:30

I was very frightened by the future too but in the long run it has been the best thing for me and for dd. Dont get me wrong it is hard work but I couldnt stay with ex after what he had done, we tried then he ended the relationship but in the end I think I would have ended it if he hadnt.x

veryconfused2 Thu 06-Feb-14 17:27:44

That is kind of where I am at the moment foxy. My only reason for staying is my DS. We are sort of trying but when I think about what he has done I feel sick.

Can I ask what your daughter's ADHD is like? Is she combined type or medicated? Have you found it has made meeting future partners hard? Sorry for questions these are just the things I am worried about. What annoys me about my DH is that DS Was 3 when he met him and I diagnosed so he has grown up with DH and as such DH has accepted DS's difficulties. I feel like he has wasted my time by lying about his sexuality whereas another man might have accepted Henry by now

Foxy800 Thu 06-Feb-14 18:13:05

Hi. DD is medicated but it only lasts 8 hours. She can get very angry but it is usually with me not anyone else. She was diagnosed a yr ago.I very very rarely go out and havent been on a date since we split but I think that would be the same whether she has had ADHD or not. x

veryconfused2 Thu 06-Feb-14 18:45:19

My DS is medicated but he needs quite a high dose, 50mg a day of Ritalin. At school it works ok but generally worn off by time he is home so I get the hard bits of the day in morning and evenings!

Foxy800 Thu 06-Feb-14 19:18:31

Same, school have no real issues with dd but I, like you, get the hard mornings and evenings and the weekends.

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