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Feel like I am being manipulated by partner's ex gf.

(3 Posts)
MissMuesli Wed 05-Feb-14 18:34:39

Just wanting abit of advice and some outside perspective on this situation I have found myself in:

So the background is that I split up with my partner in September, 2013 and I have a 3 year old. My new partner split up with his ex in 2008, and has a 6 year old.

Basically me and new partner met in March of last year, admittedly started a relationship pretty fast and introduced both each other to the children, and the children to each other aswell. This initially was ok, both children seemed very happy. About 3 months ago 6 year old started becoming upset at visits, saying she didn't want to come to my house, and she wanted daddy and mummy to be together and get married etc. This came from his ex and so partner and his DD spent lots of times chatting and resolving these feelings.

Xmas passes and was lovely, partner's daughter spent some time with me on girly shopping trips, she told me she loved me etc, and spent a few nights sleeping over and just generally having a nice time. Both of the girls play together really nicely and share a bedroom and often end up jumping in together in the mornings, never fall out etc.

Anyway, over xmas partner and his ex had quite a big row. He apologised and it was all seemingly ok, and contact continued. However since then his ex has been saying that his daughter doesn't want to see him, arranging to go out on days that he is able to see her (Temporarily his working patterns are making regular contact diffiicult). Saying that DD has said that she does want to see daddy but only at mummy's house etc. The reason always given is that DD wants to spend time with daddy and not me.

This is fine, and I haven't seen his daughter for a number of weeks now, although would like to and she indicates to partner she misses me and my daughter aswell. In the mean time his ex keeps blowing hot and cold with me and I'm not sure where to go from here.

It started with swapping numbers as I was spending time with her daughter and so was just another contact is needed, but she went through a period of asking me quite personal questions on the nature of her and my partners co-parenting relationship and giving me way more details than were appropriate. Each time I just said "Sorry I don't know you will have to ask partner". She also kept trying to as I feel "make her position known". By this I mean lots of comments asserting her place in partners life "We did parenthood together" "he is my bestfriend" "For xmas he would like X as I know that's his favourite". I responded neutrally to what seemed like provocative texts and eventually they stopped.

However now, she keeps asking me if I would like to go to her son's party with my daughter, and has now text saying she thinks we should have a bonding day, with us and the girls. On the outside this probably seems like quite a nice thing, but there seems to be a pattern of her being overly helpful, kind etc then she will stop or block contact. I'm finding this difficult as on one hand I am afraid that if I say no it will be used as ammunition "Well she isn't making the effort" but on the other hand I'nm reluctant to get to close because she pushes the boundaries, waits for friendship then blocks contact...?

No idea where to go from here, I would prefer not to spend time being "friends" as in the few times this has happened it has either been very askward and she has verbally done the "He's my bestfriend" "as you know he is wonderful, and my best friend" etc, or it is closely followed by reduced contact and being told daughter doesn't want to see or spend time with me etc.

What do I do? Sorry this is so long, doesn't sound bad written out but I feel very awkward....

russianfudge Sun 09-Feb-14 17:38:39

Hi OP - try the stepparents board for this one wink

lostdad Sun 09-Feb-14 18:43:14

Being amiable with the ex is certainly good but avoid being manipulated.

When it comes to your partner it is also good that things seem to be working out without being involved in court, but once again he should avoid being manipulated.

Be consistent and set boundaries, agreed with your partner. If you think it may end up in court I would certainly keep a record of all communications and a diary of events - i.e. to be able to show that contact ebbs and flows depending on her mood/phase of the moon/who won on `X Factor' rather than the best interests of the child.

I see this sort of thing all the time (and my other half has gone through the same thing as a stepparent). grin

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