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Feeling so sad. Dd has noticed daddies.

(10 Posts)
FloweryFeatureWall Sun 02-Feb-14 22:03:50

Dd is nearly two and she's suddenly obsessed with daddies. When we watch Peppa pig or read the books, it's daddy pig she babbles about and points at. When we play with dollies, it's the daddy she carries around. If I put a film on, she points out the daddies. I've just put her to bed and paused a film we were watching and the dad happened to be on the screen. As we went up stairs, she shouted "bye daddy!" to him.

I just feel so bloody sad for her. Her dad doesn't care. He doesn't see her because he doesn't want to be checked out by SS (as advised by them, not me being weird controlling ex as he would suggest) to make sure she's safe. He did talk about visiting and seeing her supervised but that was six months ago and we've not heard from him since. This is the first time that instead of feeling relieved about that, I feel angry. Why doesn't he care? Why did he make all the promises he made when we last spoke? How can he just abandon her?

I was tempted to text him or call him and try an olive branch again but twice I've done that now and nothing. I was thinking explaining about her being interested in daddies might help but then if he does see her once and fuck off again she'd be heartbroken if she understood who he was

I just feel so sad for her sad

cestlavielife Sun 02-Feb-14 22:35:20

No don't chase the man to be her daddy.
If he not interested in Jumping thru the necessary hoops then not worth it.

Stop being sad for her.
Focus on being a good mum, that s all, being happy and matter of fact and not feeling you or she is missing out. Dad is nice to have but if you don't have one you can survive. Better no dad than a bad uninterested one.

Yes some people have daddies some don't their dad died or whatever.

If you do have male role models grandpa uncle then all good.

Beanymonster Sun 02-Feb-14 22:45:55

I'm not sure if it exists but maybe a book about a super mum who's so good she can be both mummy and daddy?!
I'm not sure, but maybe something to implant the idea that she doesn't need a dad and that a lot of people don't?

Mainly I feel sorry for you, but be strong for her! wine

SavoyCabbage Sun 02-Feb-14 22:52:19

There are lots of books about being in a single parent family. I've read 'do I have a daddy?' which was good.

My dds are mixed race and I read them lots of books when they were little that helped normalise our family and I also made an effort to make friends with families that were similar to ours.

revealall Mon 03-Feb-14 07:23:16

Also keep up the positivity about her father. Things that she does, looks etc that are like her father. That way she can feel like she has a link with him despite the lack of contact.

Don't run him down if you can help it and keep explanations simple and honest when she asks. " He didn't want to have a family with me" is good because chances are in the future, he will find someone else with children involved.

Distinguish between his behaviour and him as a person. I've had to explain to my DS what I expect from him if he got someone pregnant without making his father sound like a prize knob. That's been the trickiest bit TBH.

cestlavielife Tue 04-Feb-14 11:53:07

oh no, please dont pretend to be "mummy and daddy" rolled into one - you are her mummy. fulls top. you can do all the things that mummies can do including DIY, putting out the bins.
this does not make you a daddy also.

you are a parent. you happen to be a mummy.

you are not and never will be her dadddy.
but you can be enough of a parent on your own.

FloweryFeatureWall Tue 04-Feb-14 15:09:58

Thanks everybody. I haven't contacted him and I'm glad I haven't now. I thought about it hard and realised if he couldn't even text her a happy Christmas (never mind send a card or present), he really just doesn't give a shit.

I'm going to look into some books about different families and hopefully reading about it will make it seem more normal from the beginning. And that's true about better no dad than a bad one.

At the moment we don't talk about him because she's not asked about her dad. I'm quite stressed about that happening because it's going to be so difficult to be positive about him. He's a bad person so I don't want to lie and paint a fairytale about him for dd but at the same time, the honesty wouldn't be nice for her. It does worry me a lot.

But I am feeling a bit better about the whole daddy thing now thanks to all your replies, so much appreciated smile

cestlavielife Tue 04-Feb-14 16:15:29

you dont have to be overly positive- or make up things which are not true - just point out that he is very special for helping you make her and for that he is a very important person. and you are very happy that your dd is here.
you could say something like he was very good at helping you make a baby and that's a truly good gift; but he isnt too good at being a daddy right now. "now lets go play" .

FloweryFeatureWall Wed 05-Feb-14 17:43:02

Thank you, that is a good way of looking at it! I'm going to definitely tuck that away for when she asks. That way she isn't hearing negativity but she isn't getting a false idea of him and getting her hopes up about him smile

Harperseventy Sat 22-Feb-14 15:03:38

My dd4 has never met her dad. He lives about 1.5 miles away and isn't interested. I've tried a few times when she was little but he's blown it now. He is now on his 2nd child since ddblush.

Dd went thru a phase about 18months to 2 where she called other children's daddies 'dad' at nursery (I think she just thought it was a name!). I used to get upset but I just reinforce all the people she has in her life- nanna, auntie, uncle, gramps etc. she understands that other children have dads but hasn't asked the question 'where/who is my dad?' Sometimes I wish she would so we could talk about it but I do think she is just happy and accepts her life how it is iykwim? When she asks I will try and explain how he was unable to do the daddy job, and then again reinforce her loved ones. I don't want her to feel it is something wrong with her- I think that is important.

Anyway, good luck, I think I definitely worry about it more than her which is obviously a better scenario! smile

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