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What do you do if.......

(49 Posts)
myusername111 Mon 13-Jan-14 20:54:14

you are being accused of getting pregnant on purpose and not taking my pill!!! Thats what his ex did and now he thinks I have too!! He doesn't want to be with me anymore and am resisting temptation to ask him if I wasn't pregnant would you want me then because I am afraid of what he might say.

Anyway I just wondered if anyone has had the same thing happen to them and did they come round to the idea? Also seen as we are now apart and he won't talk would you update him on babys progress? Really do not know how to handle this at all! Please any ideas welcome.

LittleBearPad Tue 14-Jan-14 12:25:21

Do you want this baby? I think you have to forget about asking him if he does or doesn't want you and decide what you want.

I doubt he will change his mind but do you honestly want him to. He doesn't sound very nice. How is he with his other child?

He will be responsible for child maintenance once the baby is born and may want access. You should cross that bridge when you come to it.

myusername111 Tue 14-Jan-14 16:17:10

Thank you for you reply. Yes I think I do but the most sensible thing financially etc would be not to continue but I am too far along to not continue (in my opinion). He is a bit obsessed with other child if I am honest. Think its down to guilt for not being there.
All he is doing is sending me nasty messages about how I have trapped him. Don't know whether to keep him updated seen as the decision is now all mine sad

Hithere123 Tue 14-Jan-14 20:27:17

OP I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation myself. How many weeks are you? I'm sure you will be fine on your own! You should keep the baby if you want to! It will be hard but rewarding! That's what I keep telling myself!! x

Bloodyteenagers Tue 14-Jan-14 20:39:26

I would text him back.
Remind him that it takes two to make a baby.
He needs to grow the fuck up.
And actually, neither of you trapped him. He trapped both of you. HE could have used a condom. He could have a vasectomy. He didn't, so now he will have to deal with the consequences.

LittleBearPad Tue 14-Jan-14 21:01:33

I would say that you didn't trap him, that noethod of conteaception is foolproof, that you intend to continue the pregnancy and does he want to be involved.

Then see what he says.

Ignore the nasty messages.

Have you got a mum, sister you can confide in.

I'm sorry he's being an arse. Big hug.

pyjamasatlunch Tue 14-Jan-14 22:13:51

This happened to a dear friend of mine. Her baby boy is now ten. They are a very VERY happy single parent family and the Father is ahhheeerrrmm "trapped" (in his opinion - she knows because he occasionally turns up at hers for heart to hearts when he needs someone to talk to) with his third family.... sigh!

In her case what is interesting is that although the two of them decided that they would not put the Dad's name on the birth certificate (so he was officially not trapped) his sister saw my friend walking in the street with her baby and recognised the baby's features and knew the baby was her brother's son. She immediately told her Mother and sisters of the new addition to their family and although they are a very conservative family (my friend was beside herself with fear) they said "He is our family and we love him and will be there as he grows." They are VERY supportive without being over-bearing or intrusive and respect her greatly. My friend appriciates their love and kindness towards her son as naturally he does too!

I am sorry that you are in a mixed up moment (My life falls from one mixed up moment to another - sooooo been there).... but things will fall into place and sometimes they fall in such surprising but lovely ways... Be well. Look after you!

myusername111 Tue 14-Jan-14 23:30:18

Ladies you are so kind thank you so much!!!! He was giving me crap all day and told him its our accident etc and he still went on and on and on about how I'd trapped him!! Urrrggghhh so angry he could even think that!!! If I was going to 'trap' anyone it would of been my ex as he is on twice his salary!!! If he was sat here now telling me I am insane to be wanting to go ahead due to finances/situation/other kids/work etc he would be right! But I am already nearly 11 weeks so feel that its too late. I replied with you need to grow up this baby has arms and legs and is moving around (seen on scan) Must have had some impact cos he replied a couple of hours later saying, I never wanted to fall out with you.
WTF does that mean? Is it because of what I have said about baby?

pyjamasatlunch Thu 16-Jan-14 21:16:25

How are you doing today, myusername111? smile

myusername111 Thu 16-Jan-14 21:36:52

Up and down thank you for asking smile. Hormones raging so keep crying aarrgghhh lol

pyjamasatlunch Thu 16-Jan-14 21:53:43

Oh GOD! I remember the crying with being pregnant and feeling all wobbly about life - you wait til the 3rd trimester - Your hormones will make your hair SOOOOO sexy and cleaning an addiction. Seriously - when you clean it will make you BUZZ like cleaning MUST be an illegal substance! grin

myusername111 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:48:29

LoL thank you that cheered me up. He has been texting me about some work issue over the last couple of days and telling me how he isn't sleeping. Its making me feel so sad. he hasn't mentioned us or the baby at all. He hasn't said that he wants to get back together or not. Feel like telling him to get lost.Its so weird. what do you think?

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 19:34:48

At a guess...over the course of your pregnancy/birth you and him may well get back together and break up and reconcile several times. Things are up in air, worst possible time to be making decisions about the future. Just concentrate on keeping well

myusername111 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:04:23

Thank you for your reply. And I think you are right. Just feel like saying to him I do not want to be your friend, I can't! Too much emotion there. If you want to be with me let me know when your head is sorted but in the meantime I am moving on and making decisions as if I am a single mum to be.

DarkKnight123 Fri 17-Jan-14 21:43:07

Perhaps make a deal with yourself. No stressy issues until after the birth. What's the point in trying to reach decisions when the ground is so fluid?

Here's an idea. In a couple of months perhaps set a date with your ex (if thats the right word} and go on a shopping trip buying the baby stuff? Its a small start and might help give him some perspective.

laura0007 Tue 21-Jan-14 16:29:15

I'm in a similar situation myself. My ex said I purposefully didn't take my pill as I could see our relationship breaking down and wanted to trap him. Which is utter bollocks. I'm now 38 weeks pregnant, going it alone, he wants no part and hasn't contacted me since I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I'm very happy. And looking forward to meeting my baby boy smile

MikeTheShite Tue 21-Jan-14 17:13:35

I just wanted to say ive been through this. I was 22 weeks with dd.
I had to take early maternity leave and move nearly 3 hours back to my parents.
we had very little contact whilst I was pregnant and he missed dds birth.
She was two days old when I found out he had a new girlfriend of 5 months.
I had nothing. He messed me around with contact and money. I took him to court, and the csa.
He still comes back but I'm better now, my depression had me under physciatric care.

but im not telling you that to scare you. im telling you that sitting here with my tea, watching 17 month old dd toddling around with the dog is a memory I will treasure everyday. Everything was worth it. I have my own house, dog, car and daughter. I've just been accepted to university, I have fantastic family and friends and yes whilst I wish it had gone the tradional route. I wouldn't change it for the world. The new gf can have him because I have everything I need and let me tell u something its never been as hard as I ever thought it would be its been hard mind!

myusername111 Wed 22-Jan-14 08:31:03

Thank you so much for your support, everyone. You don't know how much this is helping. You ladies are proper troopers, really!! He can't seem to face any change in his life and has sought help for this since all this happened. I haven't mentioned the pregnancy and neither has he.....its weird. But I will soon have a scan so will text him and then he has a choice. Suppose you can't make someone face things they don't want to can we?

MikeTheShite Wed 22-Jan-14 12:04:48

So very true.
All I would suggest is plan to go it alone, plan for the hardest scenario so you can plan to insulate yourself. wink

myusername111 Wed 22-Jan-14 13:49:21

Well he has been in contact and said he won 't be railroaded and he is dead set on no more kids. What choice do I have? Bring the baby up alone knowing its dad doesn't want it? God I hate men I really am confused now.

queenofthepirates Wed 22-Jan-14 14:14:31

You deserve someone who will love and cherish you, keep you safe, warm and make you happy. If he's not doing that, I think you know what you need to do. I brought up my DD on my own and we are happy as pigs in poo. She's a beautiful, well balanced little girl and very much adored by my family.

And we cope just fine thank you! It's not that big a deal.

Find someone lovelier, maybe not tomorrow but sometime. xxx

myusername111 Wed 22-Jan-14 14:23:32

Thank you smile Its a hard situation as I feel very guilty that if I go ahead I will be forcing him. Wish I didn't love him be so much easier. Asked him if I had to choose between him and baby? He said thats not what he is saying. Sounds like it to me! sad

myusername111 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:34:47

I have worked through my feelings over the pregnancy and even though it would make more sense to have a termination I am not doing it, I can't!! I am carrying so much guilt for being so selfish and going ahead but I have the support of my family and friends to go ahead so I should be ok, right? He keeps saying stuff like, clocks ticking you need to get sorted He has not once asked how I feel about things or what I want. Is he being selfish or am I?

Ehhn Mon 27-Jan-14 09:05:06

If he has been "trapped" once then the stupid man should have wrapped up. No contraception (except the implant?? Not sure, too scared to try the implant) is 100% safe and he was leaving it all to you and your body. The pill can be fairly unreliable - a slight dicky tummy, taking it a few hours too late beyond the window, some antibiotics... Etc etc. and sometimes it just doesn't work! If he was that scared of you getting pregant, he should have taken control of his own fertility. What a git he is to treat you like that.

My dad left before I was born and saw me annually- and quite frankly it was the best thing that happened to us. You can live your life without a man child around and just focus on bringing up your child how you wish. Way better!

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Mon 27-Jan-14 11:14:03

OP I'd put money on him not actually having been 'trapped' first time round either. He's obviously not 'emotionally equipped' for the very real and possible consequences of having sex i.e. that it can and does result in pregnancy even if you really wish it didn't. He really ought to keep it in his pants if he can't cope with pregnancy/fatherhood.

Just do what you need to, to take care of yourself and your baby. It'll be hard going but you'll get through it and have a gorgeous lovely baby that'll think you are the best thing since sliced bread smile My DD is nearly 9 and last night tucked me up on the sofa cos I wasn't well. Took herself off to bed saying she didn't mind if I woke her up if I needed her. I can't describe just how much my heart swells every time she shows me just how much she loves me. It's worth all the hard stuff. 100%.

Ignore the twat and do what you need to for you and your baby.

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