ex says he "wont wait outside" for ds to get ready

[cestlavielife]

ugh ex trying to exert control - he keeps mesing Ds around with dates - eg sends him emial "see you tomorrow" tomorrow comes and he cancels last minute. not for first time. we try not to tell ds he has lds/asd he is coming so he wont get upset.
friday he was "definitely coming" at 6.30.ds was told.
texted 6.51 sorry late be there in five minutes.
(i was out ds was at home with his after school carer ) i texted carer to let her know he was no way. .
6.57 my dd who was at home texted to say doorbell had rung. carer got ds ready, but when opened door there was no one there...
6.58 text from ex "no one is answering so i am leaving".
further text s about how he wont wait outside etcetc.. cue ds disappointment.

exp not allowed in as has barged in on other occasions, also pvs past behaviour aggression etcec... it is not his house he has zero rights. has got in dd face and demanded to know why she wnt talk to him, "dont you know who I am?" "i am your father!!!" in her face etc...dd has her reasons for not seeing him.

today's email - "i can pick up ds at 6.00 but i wont wait outside"

i have emailed "you cannot come in but please just wait outside for maximum five minutes while ds gets coat and shoes on"

barrage of nonsense back... it isnt that big a deal to wait on doorstep is it?!

and dd has right to be in her home in peace; so it is all a bit tedious.

[foolonthehill]

tedious and exhausting when the word NO has no apparent meaning to him.

well done you've drawn the right line. Stick with it, unfortunately you can't make someone reasonable or a good child focussed father if they are a twat.

[stardust86]

Grrrr! Angry on your behalf, what a t**t.

How keen is DS on seeing him? Just asking in case it gives you leeway to NOT play his game, so he'd then be cutting off his own nose to spite his face if he goes home without the boy.

Why do some exes places so much emphasis on control rather than on the welfare of their kids?

[lizzie479]

Knobend ! Must be lovely for your child (she says sarcastically). Sounds like he has well and truly spat his dummy out. Stand up for yourself and your DD and be a good role model by telling him to shape up and be respectful to you both and tow the line or stay away until he can treat the women in his life with respect. You don't want your DD thinking this is normal male behaviour and that you (her female role model) stands for it. Goodluck its not easy standing up to an aggressive male xxxx

[BlackeyedSusan]

yasnbu

oops wrong board, better answers

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Do you have an agreed contact plan in place? Why is he just texting as and when he feels like coming?

In your shoes i would agree a regular, same time every week pick up and if he is late by more than 5 minutes then he misses his visit until the next agreed day.

Honestly i tried to e so flexible with my exp and contact but he took the absoloute piss and i swallowed every excuse so i told him one day that contact is at 6pm and if he is late then he has missed his contact til next agreed time. It has worked!

You should set some boundaries.

[cestlavielife]

contact order dating back to 2010 is for supervised contact and "any other as agreed"...
it has moved on a bit tho keeping that order as back up (if he stops taking his meds/has severe mh episode again etc) .

so this fits in the "other contact as agreed" - he just wont stick to regular arrangements. or will for two weeks then messes everyone around. i did meet with him and family therapist/family worker and said clearly "I am happy for ds to have contact but it has to be regualr and consistent with no lateness or cancelling"

she was quite good at picking up on him and he admitted there he did cancel a lot"well these thing shappen you know..." and she tried to say "what do you think your ds feels when this happens" but he really wanted to turn it around to everything i had done to him bla bla bla and how it was in fact all my fault because i made him feel bad....... and it was exceedingly tedious and draining - i had to make decision not to continue with those sessions as just not worth my while eg my time, payinhg babysitter etcetcetc. . he isnt going to change except with lengthy one on one therapy.

Ds wants to see him so i try and facilitate this- however it is becoming ridiculous and frankly ds manages better not seeing him for weeks - than being messed around.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

I totally get you. My dcs want do see their dad too but it was getting ti the point where my eldest refused to get ready because he was always sure his dad wouldnt come.

Honestly the best thing you can do for ds is insist on consistency and that means following through with te consequences of him being late or not arriving. My ex cost me so much money in extra childcare and having to cancel work because he jut didnt turn up or was so late i had to ring in sick not knowing if he was coming or not. Its not fair at all. You have a right to know exactly when he will be there.


I would send him a text saying exactly what the contact plan is from now on and stating that if he is late by more than 5 minutes he will have forfeited his contact til the next session.

And stick to it. Leave the house at 5 past the pick up time an ignore calls and texts.

It has worked for us and dcs are so much happier knowing their dad will definitely be there.

[starlight1234]

I agree with previous poster...My Ex had MH problems, He was supposed to see DS every other weekend for 2 hours...It felt like my life was on hold for him to see his dad who let him down all the time...So I decided if he missed it then life carried on...It seem to make life less stressful and took him having us wondering from one day to the next...The informal agreement clearly isn't working so I would definitely advise something more formal.
I think you are very reasonable to ask him to wait for up to 5 mins..I wouldn't be having a child sat in coat and hats for a man who doesn't show up regulary

[ElenorRigby]

Cestlavie am I right in remembering your childrens father was violent to you and a complete control freak?

If that's right you need to take hold of the situation and knock the "any other as agreed" on the head until he bloody behaves himself.
There's no fucking way to behave to the DC's! Also he no fucking right to demand to come into your home. Twat.
He needs firmly putting back in his box!