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Looking ahead for contact advice when baby is born!

(13 Posts)
Eternity84 Sun 10-Nov-13 14:03:36

So I am 25 weeks pregnant and thinking ahead here on how to arrange contact with babies Dad.
Anyone who read my previous post will know he was assessed by social services as a risk. My social worker is looking into everything but it seems he has a contact order for his other daughter, unsupervised so courts didn't assess him as a risk. She seems reluctant to advise me on contact arrangements, is this something she should be helping me with?
Ex has been in touch and says will contact me nearer time to arrange seeing the baby.
I have a 2 yr old from previous relationship who doesn't attend nursery as he has special needs. Hopin he may do 1 morning starting in Jan. Babies dad doesn't work so am trying to think how I arrange contact and what to offer that's reasonable.
I know the easiest thing would be to offer him to visit my home and see baby there but he so unpredictable and I don't have anyone who could supervise and will have my 2 yr old with me. The last thing I need is him not leaving when asked or threatening to take baby or just generally making me feel not safe in my own home. If I arrange to meet him out somewhere I dunno how I gonna be after the birth. But thinking maybe this safest option. I will have to meet him alone as noone to come with me but least in public I will feel safer I think. Is that unreasonable? How many times a week and for how long? I plan to breastfeed so want to get that established too. I know I'm thinking ahead but feel I need to get it straight in my head to stop me worrying. Is it worth calling for some legal advice?
Social services have closed my case now we have split up but am worried anything kicking off afterwards will result with them involved again. And I don't want to be seen as putting my kids at risk in any way. But I also know he is gonna pursue contact and court will prob grant it but dunno how is best.

juneau Sun 10-Nov-13 14:11:06

I haven't read your previous thread, but am assuming DV. Is this well documented? If so, I'd think you have a reasonable case for denying him access to this baby. Perhaps he has access to his older DC because any DV towards the mother was not documented or the mother didn't want to go to court?

Personally, I'd do nothing to facilitate contact and I would go to court to deny him access, if necessary. Do you really want a violent individual in your DC's life?

If you HAVE to meet him, yes to somewhere public. Coffee shop, play centre, etc. Not a park or other outdoor space where he can get you on your own away from the hearing of other people.

Eternity84 Sun 10-Nov-13 14:16:15

He wasnt violent to me. But he has history of ABH, fraud, public order offences and was assessed as a risk to children although not on sex offenders register. All unknown to me until I got the social services report. He had already walked out and left me by the time I received the report. But it has frightened me and he has been unpredictable, swinging from he hates me to he gonna kill himself.

Part of me hopes he just walks away after discovering what I have about him. My social worker is going to find out more info but she says he would of been assessed by cafcass and a contact order was put in place for his 5yr old earlier this year, all unsupervised so couldn't of been seen as a risk by them which contradicts my assessment from social services

juneau Sun 10-Nov-13 14:20:50

I would think that list of ABH, fraud, public order offences and being assessed as a risk to children is plenty of ammunition for you to fight any request he makes for contact. Let him try. I would fight tooth and nail to keep him away, if it was me. You may need a solicitor and getting legal advice now (most solicitors will give you a free half-hour to assess whether they can help you or not), would be a good idea. Get all your ducks in a row. You need to know where you stand legally.

Eternity84 Sun 10-Nov-13 17:16:32

I am totally torn, which is why I posted on here cos when I spoke to a couple of my friends they think I should just hand over baby as a newborn, so he doesn't have to be around my other kids. They think I just being irrational and will prob change my mind once baby is here.
Makes me feel so bad, and they friends I known for years, they know all about the report, and just made me feel like a bad person sad

Monetbyhimself Sun 10-Nov-13 20:33:16

He may currently have unsupervised contact but it may not always have been unsupervised. My ex currently had unsupervised contact but it's taken nearly 3 years of supervised contact gradually building up to unsupervised (history of DV against kids and I )

juneau Sun 10-Nov-13 22:06:21

Why do you feel like a bad person - because you want to keep this guy away from your baby???? That makes you a GOOD person. Fight for your baby - s/he needs you to be a mother lion. No one else is going to protect your baby if you don't.

Eternity84 Wed 13-Nov-13 11:19:30


So if I don't put his name on birth certificate. He won't have PR right? Could he get PR, would it mean going to court for him to gain it? Obv if he goes that far and gets access, all be it supervised which is what I will fight for then I assume court will give him PR too? Will he have to prove himself turning up to contact etc first or does he not need to prove his involvement to gain PR?

That probably didn't make much sense lol. Just kind of thinking ahead and whether to register birth on my own. I know some will disagree with his but I don't want to willingly give PR to a man deemed a risk to his own child

lostdad Wed 13-Nov-13 11:49:26

Yes, he can apply to the court for PR/get his name on the birth certificate if you refuse to sign the form that grants him it.

Please not that if he did this it doesn't automatically follow contact will ordered but if he does make an application for PR I would imagine that he'd apply for contact too.

Assuming you raise welfare concerns there will be report (CAFCASS) and the most likely be support/supervised contact in a contact centre for short durations initially (as you will be breastfeeding). The court will hope and expect contact to move on from this however so after a period (and assuming there are no concerns or problems) contact will take place outside it.

What I am saying is that if he doesn't cause problems and his determined it will happen eventually. Be honest, be child-focused and think about the long term. If he doesn't make the effort he will get nowhere, but if he does things will progress in terms of contact between your baby and his/her dad.

MissWimpyDimple Wed 13-Nov-13 13:53:08

I don't think handing over a newborn is in any way likely to be suitable. I would suggest meeting him somewhere neutral once a week for an hour or two so that he can hold the baby, but you are still present. Make it somewhere you can take your two year old if needs be.

But to be completely honest in your situation, given what you know about him, I would be tempted to wait for him to come to you. It will give you a chance to regain your strength and for the baby to be a little older.

He would have to come with you to the registry office in order to have his name on the Birth Certificate so it's possible this won't be the case anyway. I wouldn't be deliberately obstructive, let him see his child but make it on your terms and at his request, rather than at your suggestion.

Eternity84 Fri 15-Nov-13 18:03:43

Well the social worker looked into everything and phoned me back today. She advised me not to make any plans with him for contact. Told me to advise him to get legal advice when baby is born and to ignore his calls if he starts being aggressive. She said if he gets too much or turns up at the house to call the police.
Seems a bit extreme but I guess she knows what she's talking about and i'm not going to go against her advice.
She said it's best if there are welfare checks done given where he living and the fact he so unpredictable. She said cafcass would look into things if he took it that far.

juneau Sat 16-Nov-13 07:59:09

Please listen to the SW. She's seen this all before and knows the way it usually turns out. Good advice to let him do all the running. Don't do anything to facilitate contact or make things easy for him. If he really wants to be involved let him get legal advice and follow all the correct channels.

SignoraStronza Sat 16-Nov-13 08:03:29

I think your sw has the right idea. Do not put his name on birth certificate, have no contact with him and do not acquiesce to letting him see your baby at all. Let him spend his time and money going the legal route.

Meanwhile document his every contact and move to harass you.

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