Friend receiving hurtful texts from child - advice(12 Posts)
A friend of mine is seperated from his wife and they have an 8 yr old daughter. He has been through the courts to gain access but she seems hell bent on denying him this. He has had a terrible weekend of recieving really hurtful texts from the phone he bought his daughter - such as I dont like you daddy, you are horrible for not being with mummy etc, you went off with that woman. (He's no angel but not a bad parent) now my thoughts were this language seemed a little adult for the girl herself, could it be the ex using the daughter's phone (pretty sick I know but I have an 8 yrd old and I just cant imagine him insuting his father that way)
anyway, he currently has no access, she is refusing to allow him to see her, he's in bits. Im trying my best to advise and be there but wondered if any of you had any opinions on this texting or advice on ways to handle this, and appeal to the ex wife's rational side . . thanks!
Take screen shots of the texts and go back to his solicitor regarding contact. Don't respond to the texts.
My Ex has received some pretty hurtful texts from DD but unfortunately he ripped her life apart and she was snd dyill is angry.
If there is a court order in place there will be an enforcement notice with it, so if he is being stopped from seeing his DD then he can take it back to court. I agree about keeping the texts, they do sounds adult, poor DD should not be in that position.
May I introduce the possibility that the girl has actually send them? I know that when My DS did that at that age, I was the first one to be shocked and can I also say that I was very very scared at the idea that I could be blamed for that.
It is usually believed tat children are always missing the non resident parent but there are many children out there who are very angry with them too :-(
I have recently read a nasty letter from an 8 year old to another...Quite simply that language is not shocking compared to what I read and was shocked as I know the girl and never expected anything like that from her..so yes what you have read could well of been written by an angry 5 year old
I would suggest that he speaks to the Ex say he understands she is angry but doesn't want her carrying this anger as it will be damaging to DD and how can they make this better for her...
And another thing, I have met a lot of non resident parents since my divorce. Most have contact with their children even through difficult ex's and even psychotiic episodes. You don't loose contact with your child if you are a drug abuser (but may get supervised visits to avoid putting them at risk -again- if you do.
It is incredibly difficult for a resident parent, unreasonable or not, to stop contact between the children and the non resident parent. This contact is protected by courts even to the point of risk to the children so....
I would say that if he doesn't have contact at all is because he bas done something very wrong or is simply not arsed to arrange it (which includes convincing courts and ex that he can be trusted with the children even for a couple of hours) . Of those non resident parents I met who had no contact with the children, all of them fell into the "non arsed enough" category.
All of them claimed it was the ex blocking contact. It is obviously easier to blame the resident parent than explain to the world you have decided not to see your children.
the language is not beyon and eight year old at all....he should offer to meet with DD perhaps with a family mediator of family therapist to try and explain.
but if he did go off with someone esle then naturally the eight year old is angry.
why would she not be?
what has he done to try and explain why he did and to make it ok for dd?
it is in his hands really to accept she is angry and listen to her feelings.
and to apologise but show her he does love her.
also he could offer to meet Dd in a contact centre or with another adult present - anything to make her feel ok/.
what has he offered?
It can be very hard. A determined resident parent can stop contact - by using a variety of tactics.
What makes it worse is that the longer there is no contact the strong a hostile resident parents' argument will be that this situation should remain.
To the OP: If the ex is breaking a court order go for enforcement and go for it quickly. Make sure there is an established pattern and it's not just a case of the child being ill (or the ex claiming this to the case) because it will make your partner seem the aggressor and unreasonable.
If the case is open, write a letter to the judge and go for an emergency hearing. The letter should basically say the ex is breaking the court order and briefly detail how and an accompanying position statement. It should also say that you will remain in the waiting room waiting for a hearing.
The most likely outcome is you will get a hearing in a few days or a week or so. Maybe the judge will even see you to hear from you directly.
Make sure you have communicated with the ex, laying out what she has done. This communication is for the court, not the ex incidentally and may be useful attached to the position statement I mention above.
Going forward the text messages should be recorded for use later if need be.
If your partner can't afford a solicitor, speak to a few McKenzie Friends (google the term...organisations like Families Need Father have a list of them on their website). The fee-charging ones are a fraction of a cost of solicitors and the best ones are just as good with the added bonus of being available outside office hours and work to push cases forward much faster than legal professionals often do. He should also join Families Need Fathers ASAP.
Get in touch if you need help. This sort of thing happens quite often and very often non resident parents are left with no contact whatsoever and unable to do anything because the position of strength that many resident parents feel themselves to be in makes the situation seem impossible.
Yes, I agree with that, if he makes the effort, as lostdad suggests, there's no way the ex could prevent him seeing the girl. But what does "making the effort" means is the crux of the matter.
For some non resident parents making that effort means doing whatever it takes, even going to court repeatedly; for others is as simple as saying "oh, she is being difficult, I can't be bothered".
Thanks for all this advice guys I really appreciate it. I agree that sometimes the "she wont let me see them" is a cop out. . .there is always a way. And exp to lostdad there is some great advice here I will pass to my friend xx
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.