Sunday night grrrrr

[Seth]

Hi . I am fuming tonight about something that must be quite common amongst many LPs on here so am wondering if you had any advice...

Ex H and I split up when he left DD and I 4 years ago. Generally get on ok for the sake of our 2 DCs (3 and 6 - found out I was pregnant just after he left but he has worked hard to build up a good relationship with DS despite us never being /them living together since). He is very actively involved in their lives and lives nearby. Overall I would say he is a good Dad as far as they are concerned. They often say they don't want to go to his but come home very happy and have had a good time .

There are things that are driving me mad and concerning me though...
He seems to be constantly looking to drive a wedge between our parenting and going out of his way to disagree with things that I try and instil into our DCs.

ie: There is a programme that is on after the watershed that he lets DD (6 ) watch. It has swearing in and has led her a couple of times to ask me what bollocks means, what bloody means and a couple of other things that are too adult for someone her age to know about.. and then apart from that she has asked what f*ck means as daddy says it when he is angry with someone when he is driving (separate i know from TV but linked). I asked him in a reasonable way if he thought the themes in the show were ok for a 6 year and he said he would think about not letting her watch it and let me know. Next thing is that she let slip they had watched it and he told her (in front of me) that she had started watching it by herself. She said 'No Daddy - you put 2 episodes on for me to watch' . I'm really annoyed not by the programme watching but he is teaching her to lie and keep secrets 'between them' -

...as with something else tonight.. she said that Daddy was going to buy her some shiny shoes for school . I have bought her patent shoes last year and they were completely scuffed after 3 weeks (she is a bit of a tomboy and climbs walls etc lots). This term I said if she can keep her normal leather shoes unscuffed then next time she can have patent ones. She came back tonight saying that 'Daddy says everyone scuffs their shoes and mummy was being silly so he says I can have some

He also told her that he was 'cross' with mummy for not putting moisturiser on her every night and that allowed her hands to get dry (she has ezcema - the cream is at his as he forgot to bring it back)



Anyway I feel as if he is always looking to undermine me and that he is sending out the wrong message to her.. its ok to lie, have 'their' secrets and for him to go against anything that I suggest (probably just to wind me up which I can handle but i worry about her learning that she can play us off against each other as she gets older - he is laying the foundations for this isn't he ?

I tried to talk to him tonight on the phone.. made sure I was really calm before dialling his number and was greeted with 'look is this going to be quick ? have you had a bad weekend or something ?' rather than giving a shit about what I might have to say.

I feel the need to add that I consciously do not get involved in what goes on at his house..He is their Dad and his time with them is him time and I step back from that but when it's something I feel strongly about then I'll say it - this is about the 3rd time in as many years and I feel as if I am banging my head against a brick wall.

Any tips ? I cant control my own frustrations about how disrespectful he is towards me but I want to ensure the DCs aren't too influenced by his twattish behaviour...

thanks for any advice

[Seth]

last line was meant to say 'I can control my frustrations' not that I can't. Have had plenty of practice ! thanks

[SaltandSpice]

The absence of replies might tell you something OP!

[Seth]

Tells me that I am fighting a losing battle you mean?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Which programme?

If he wants to buy her shiny shoes then you can't stop him...

[SaltandSpice]

As funky says. If he wants to you cant stop him. I,m sure there are a many people on here that would be delighted if all they had to worry or fume over on a Sunday night was shiny shoes and what tv programs should be watched. Like having the father of their DC's in their lives at all. In your own words OP, he is very actively involved in their lives, is a good dad and brings them own happy. Maybe give him a break!

[Seth]

My main issue wasn't about shoes or the programme . It was about the lessons it was teaching her ( lying swearing etc)

I am aware that there are others on here going through greater struggles. I myself received great support in the past from relationships and lone parents when my life seemingly fell apart .

Things are much better 4 years on but still tough. I came on here to ask for some advice from some other people who might have similar frustrations. It seems its not appropriate to ask for advice on here unless it's an extreme situation.

[bibliomania]

I understand your frustration. I suspect, however, that there isn't an awful lot you can do about it. Is he the kind of person who wiill relish knowing that he is causing you frustration? If so, all you can do is not let him suspect that you're annoyed, and be calm and consistent with your dcs (and it sounds like you're doing a decent job of this).

While I can understand you not liking him to encourage dd to keep secrets or tell lies, the main thing is to help her understand the general principles - the difference between good secrets and bad secrets, and that she won't gain any advantage from you by trying to play you off against her father (she may get an advantage in her father's house, but that's outside your control).

All you can do is model being a person of integrity and loving consistency, and hope that it will pay off in the end.

[BlackeyedSusan]

ffs. he is not a good dad if he is undernining the other parent, allowing children to watch stuff inappropriate for their age, late bedtimes fo a 6 year old, teaching a child to lie.

and ditto to biblio...

[MissBoleyn]

Does seem a bit of stretch though to interpret 'don't tell mummy' type comments and swearing in frustration into 'teaching' a child to lie and swear?

You can't control all the influences in your Dc's lives, and sadly not even those of their biological parents once you are separated. I have certainly given up losing sleep over the influence my fool of an ex has on my DC's.

As biblio has posted. You can though, control your reactions to it and the principles you teach them in your own house.

Is there still a lot of emotional resentment between you that enables him to get you so frustrated over things that are essentially petty in isolation?

[Monetbyhimself]

I echo what Biblio says really. It's deeply frustrating and I challenge him about the innapropriate words though.