DS won't sleep on his own since the split(13 Posts)
Im really worried about him and also I'm really tired!
We split three weeks ago and H moved out. He's been coming back twice a week since, for long visits though. He'll arrive on a weds lunchtime and I will go to my mums while he stays the night with DS and I return the next day. It's the same on a Saturday. This is going to continue until the new year when DS and I will move.
last week DS suddenly started refusing to go to sleep unless someone was in the room with him. I've tried everything. I even did one night of just continuously going in after ten minutes or so of shouting and crying, laying him back down, saying "sleep" and going back out again but it went on from 1am until 5am when I gave in, went and sat next to his cot and he was asleep within two minutes. I felt awful!
Now I am sleeping on a mattress on his floor and I after four nights I have no idea how I am going to be able to solve the problem! He still cries and panics if he wakes up and no one is there. He sometimes asks for daddy it mainly he shouts for mummy.
When he asks where daddy is, I tell hi daddy has gone to work then to stay at grandmas. That this is mummy and DS's house now but daddy is coming to play today etc.
Should I do anything differently?
Also could it just be a normal toddler phase and I am reading too much into it and have inadvertently made it worse by effectively moving into his room?
I so didnt want him to be affected by the split but it seems he already is! Please help!
Be pragmatic. Sleep in his room til you moved and he old enough to be able to discuss and understand star charts etc for sleeping alone.
If he s feeling insecure just be there for him. What happens when dad stays ?
I agree with cestlavie, go with it, give him the reassurance he needs, while getting some sleep yourself. Moving will be another change for him so you may have to go through this all again, even if you get it to stop this time.
I used to tell ds he would see daddy after one/two/three big sleeps (he was still having a nap then), daddy is at work (daytime) or daddy is at his house (night). Now 3yo he can sort of understand days of week so that helps.
When your ex takes over reassure ds that you are coming back.
I'd aldo just go with it for now. He needs you close and uou need your sleep. Maybe bring him into your bed ? In a few weeks time when he's more settled you voild alwsys introduce the idea of his new at the new house, pick out some new bedding etc. But for now, go with what you both need.
Not a lone parent but speaking as someone with divorced parents my advice would be to have him in your bed so you get sleep and go with it as long as necessary. He won't need this extra reassurance forever but while he does just do what you need to to ensure you both very enough sleep.
go with it. My DS was 17months when we split, and moved. I did move into his room and slept on a camp bed holding his hand through the bars of his cot for about 3 months. Eventually he slept through, and I only did it until he fell asleep. Then I just sat in a chair quietly after reading stories until he fell asleep. By 6 months after he was fine at bedtime.
He's very little and all he needs is to know that you are contant and there and he is safe. It is heartbreaking and I was so upset and angry about it, especially as my ex saw none of this (no overnights back then). But now he's 3 and a very confident, happy, expressive, secure little boy who calls me and his baby brother his best friends, and says he loves his family (ie, me, him and baby DS) all the time. His daddy is still around but he isn't upset about him being gone any more.
Thanks everyone, you're right, I will go with it. Actually, sleeping with him in the same room or in my bed is really hard, he's so noisy, he talks, shouts and kicks in his sleep, but it's better than the alternative so I will keep the mattress where it is for now.
I suppose I am just upset that he has been affected in this way and that we have made him feel unsettled and insecure.
choco yes! That's what DS has been doing, holding my hand through the cot bars. It's heartbreaking!!
Everyone keeps saying he is too young for it to be affecting him and it must be something else, but he's clinger during the day too and needs almost constant cuddling. Bless him!
cest he stays in the room with him until he falls asleep but he keeps trying to go to the spare room to bed rather than the mattress on the floor and consequently DS gets upset in the night.
Its making me cross to be honest, I just wish he'd do what I ask and stay with him
kids do understand change even if they don't know what it is..My son at this age used to see his Dad 2 hours a fortnight... If he didn't see him he knew..He has no idea of days of the week.
It is very early days for a lot of change for him and he also will be picking up on your emotions..they know no mater how hard we try and hide them...
I would do a lot of reassuarance that you are coming back and so is Daddy
A friend of mine split when her son was 2. Started having him in her bed... and he was still there till he was 9. They both liked it but it meant she didn't have a long-term partner till after that time.
Bah do whatever works for you both to get some decent sleep,Honestly whenever something crap happens I get a child in bed with me.they are all big as well.If they need the extra security then give it in the short term.Its really early days for both of you.
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