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feeling weird about this card.

(16 Posts)
imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 24-Oct-13 00:36:36

Probably being a twat about this, but feel kinda odd about it.

Background is,
Ex and I have 2 dc together. We separated 18 months ago, 1year ago he met his new partner (NP) she has 2 dc, and they have 1together (all too quick imho)

Anyway, today was dc2s birthday, and they went to their dads for dinner. I was unpacking his bag of cards and presents, and found a 'brother' card. It's not exs handwriting, and doesnt look like that of a child, so I assume NP wrote it. It's from her dc, my dc1 and the new baby.

Now I can almost hear you all thinking "yeah and? The problem is?"

And that's just it, I don't know what the problem is, partly that dc1 didn't know anything about the card, it was presented on his behalf, despite the fact he had done one at home already. But.other than that? I don't know, it just feels 'odd'

Maybe its because I'm still upset that he moved on so quickly (not that I want that arsehole back, but still). maybe its because he refers to NP and her DC as his 'new family', and theres a whole lot of crap around that which led to dc1 needing weekly counselling sessions with pastoral care at school.

Maybe I just need to get the fuck over myself?
It's that last one isn't it?

Be gentle grin

LUKYMUM Thu 24-Oct-13 00:42:25

It's hard.
When you see something in writing it's so Black and White. Almost like a kick in the teeth that everything has fallen apart. I think I know what you're saying. My ex is ignorant but when he got married this year, it hurt.
You've written be gentle. To be honest I won't post on mumsnet again when I'm upset. Some people are so mean. But I'm sending a hug. (Ps I don't see anything wrong with writing card on behalf of kid. It's nice dc was included)

LUKYMUM Thu 24-Oct-13 00:42:54

Happy birthday to your little one.

Troubledjo Thu 24-Oct-13 00:46:13

I totally understand why this felt weird and these relationships are never straightforward, especially when it's all moved on so fast. At the same time, maybe NP was trying not to leave DC1 out. Maybe she was just trying to be thoughtful by including him.
Either way, it really isn't worth getting wound up by it, although your XP does sound really, really annoying.
Sending hugs.

HarrietSchulenberg Thu 24-Oct-13 00:49:26

I think I'd be annoyed that she'd included my dc1 on a card from her children. Nice to get a "brother" card from them, but his full brother had already sent him a card, so to include his name on her family's card would look a bit like playing happy families with someone else's child to me.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 24-Oct-13 00:53:59

Thanks, I thought you'd all tell me I was being a twat!
LUKYMUM I'm not upset, but didn't want loads of "oh Ffs get the fuck over it" like I've had in the past. And I agree, there's nothing wrong with writing a card on behalf of a child, IF the child knows its being written. Plus dc1 is 9, so more than capable of.writing his own name

Harriet I think you've hit the nail on the head there, about the playing happy families!

HarrietSchulenberg Thu 24-Oct-13 01:08:23

Perhaps a quiet, smiley word to say "Thank You so much for the lovely card but you really needn't have bothered adding dc1 as his brother and I had already given him his family cards".

You might want to edit it depending on how well you get on with her (or how well you want to continue to get on with her).

Happy Birthday to your dc2, by the way. My ds2 had a birthday yesterday so we're all a bit cake and jellied out round here.

HerrenaHarridan Thu 24-Oct-13 01:12:36

I don't think you being a twat but I do think your instincts are correct, you need to suck it up and smile.

I think it's nice that she included your dc on card and much preferable to leaving them off but I totally see why it doesn't sit right with you.

This parenting lark is fucking hard sometimes.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 24-Oct-13 01:13:27

Thanks. I've never actually spoken to her, other than by text, and he can't be civil to me, so I think ill have to let it go.

Happy birthday to your ds2.for yesterday smile

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 24-Oct-13 01:16:53

I agree Herrena and maybe if she had left him off, I'd have thought that was wrong too, who knows confused

I find the whole giving cards and presents from a child (unless very young) that they have never seen before a bit odd tbh. And I would guess that ds1 had never seen this card, because he would have said not to put his name in it.

HisLommel Thu 24-Oct-13 08:08:58

I'm in a similar situation to the NP now but I was in your shoes a few years ago (exH got someone pregnant 6 weeks after we split, while I was still in the marital home!) It's pretty horrible - even if you don't want your ex back, things like this are another reminder that the family unit you had hoped for didn't work out sad it's okay to be upset about it and I would also encourage you to try and see the positive side of it. The NP is trying to include all the DC and that can only be a positive thing for the children (as uncomfortable as that is for us mums) If your 9 yr old is upset by it, try and encourage him to speak to his dad.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 24-Oct-13 08:28:33

I haveny had a chance to.speak to him yet, but its things like this that have upset him in the past.

I try not to get too wound up by what the NP does, because it seems to me that in her position you're Damned if you do,.and damned if you don't!

I'm glad you all understood what I meant though about how I feel smile

HisLommel Thu 24-Oct-13 08:45:08

In fact thinking about it - I have a 9yr old DS too and he is sometimes resistant to his step-mum and step siblings ("annoying sisters" he says!). I try to encourage him to have a good relationship with them now. I listen to what it is that upsets him and then I remind him that his dad and stepmum are his family now. It has taken me a good few years to get to that point though.
It's great that you can see it from the NP point of view, I think you'll find that helps makes things much smoother for your DC smile

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 24-Oct-13 09:15:12

I always talk about the step family in a positive light, but he refuses to call them step siblings, he's a sensitive lad. But its getting better smile

HisLommel Thu 24-Oct-13 09:18:51

It's understandable, it's early days smile

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Thu 24-Oct-13 22:05:56

I put the cards back in the bag, and pretended I hadnt seen them, then took them out and read them.when the dc were home this afternooon.

Me (to dc1): "aww, that's a nice card that you all.sent to dc2"
Dc1: "what card? I didn't send a card at Daddy's, I made it here!"
Me: This 'brother' card. It's got your name in it.
Dc1: "what!? Why did she do that? I mean why would you send a card from someone and not even tell them? And its not her job to send things from me"

I said it didn't really matter. And that it was nice she had included him (he didn't look convinced)

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