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Afraid to apply for maintenance

(6 Posts)
PleaseLetsGoToSleep Tue 17-Sep-13 16:53:26

I split from my dp just over a year ago, we have a 2 yr old ds, he has not paid a penny towards upkeep of ds, although does have him roughly 3 wkends a month.
I have just raised the issue of some financial help, but he refuses to entertain the idea, although does say he will get food for ds when he does his own shopping, buy clothes he needs himself, and pay for some activities (e.g. Swimming), although only if he is present, as he doesn't want to give any money directly to me.
I'm not at all inclined to accept this, it stinks of control and will give him endless opportunities, to humiliate me and question my parenting. I'm not being unreasonable to refuse am I?
And, if I do go through the CSA and if he is forced to pay, I'm worried about possible repercussions: Ex being more difficult and angry than he already is, canceling contact at the last minute, being intimidating, or refusing to return ds to me.
Anyone have any advice please? If you went through the csa to get some maintenance what was the fallout, and how did you handle it?

kittycat68 Tue 17-Sep-13 17:54:34

ah the control ex! many stories on here op!
if hes like this he isnt going to get any better it will go on till your childs 18! if you need the money to support your daughter then claim it through CSA, he wont like it (being told what to do by CSA). Do you think he has the time, money, attitude to take this to court for contact?
Sometimes setting some gound rules helps but not always it depends on the level of contol he wants TBH!Equaly some NRP if made to pay CSA then suddenly demand half of the childs care/time because if they are paying for them they are entilled to halfconfused.TBH its a judgement call only you can make, but the factor for me would be do i need his money or not?

PleaseLetsGoToSleep Tue 17-Sep-13 20:46:26

Thanks for your answer Kitty, yes I definitely need the money, even a few quid a week would help. I regularly have to do the weekly food shop with under £10, thank god for healthy start vouchers!

revealall Tue 17-Sep-13 22:10:46

If you need money have you considered going to Uni? You get "paid" really well as a lone parent and only pay it back once earning over £21,000. Rents paid no Council tax and you get overdrafts and student discounts.
It won't matter what you do with an ex they'll still cause stress either way.

kittycat68 Wed 18-Sep-13 09:20:21

if you need the money then, put in a claim for CSA, try settling a few ground rules with him. ie you wont respond to any verbal or written threats or abuse. contact handovers are done in public places only. it can be very hard to ignore alot of the nastyness if they start but do your best not to be drawn in, its the controntation they want, the more you ignore it and let him think it doesnt bother you over time he is likely to do it less. Be as child focussed as you can. If he ruins his relationship with his children thats his choice. If you start encounering too many problems contact your local womens aid for help and guidence on the situation.

racmun Wed 18-Sep-13 09:23:44

If he's going to be a asshole over having to support his child then his behaviour will come out eventually over something anyway so I don't see what you've got to lose.

Why the hell does he think he shouldn't have to contribute - its totally outrageous and putting all the burden on you.

Ring the CSA now!

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