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A bit scared

(5 Posts)
EmilyD2012 Sat 07-Sep-13 12:36:53

Hi everyone.

I'm new to this and appreciate, having read some posts here, that I may be having the opposite struggle to some of you....

My DS is 14 months old and my relationship with his father has now finally reached its inevitable end. It was my decision, and I know that it was the right decision, but I'm feeling quite scared about the road ahead, particularly with regards to custody.

I've said I am happy for my ex to see DS every other weekend and one night in the week. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick because I know I'll feel lost without DS on those days, but it feels like a fair proposal, particularly given his age.

My ex is having none of it, saying DS's time should be split exactly equally between us. To be honest, I don't think he's up to that (in his 14 months on this planet my DS has spent almost all his time with me, even when my ex and I were together) but he's adamant that my DS can't live with me full time because it's 'not fair' (on him).

I'm scared about him making this already difficult situation worse by repeatedly demanding my son 50% of the time. He loves him very much but I feel some of this is designed to hurt me, as opposed to a real genuine desire to have DS half the time.

We are not married and never have been. Until recently I paid for all of the childcare (he has contributed the last three months though, to be fair). Does anybody have any thoughts on how best to handle this? Anyone been in the same position?

Thank you

Onebuddhaisnotenough Sat 07-Sep-13 14:26:40

How much time does your son spend in childcare ? How far apart do you live ? You can't bear the thought of being apart from your child yet expect him to just suck it up ? It is not your place to offer him contact. It is up to you to realise that you have to co parent this little boy and if your ex is not abusive or negligent or unsafe then his daddy os as good a parent look after him as you. The comtact you ARE suggesting is paltry. It needs to br much more regular for such a small child. If you can't manage a reasonable compromise yourselves, family mediation may be a very good idea.

EmilyD2012 Sat 07-Sep-13 14:47:13

Wow. What a response.

In answer to your questions, my son is in full time childcare (which, until recently, I have paid for alone). My ex is local for now but a move is imminent.

I do 'realise' that we need to co-parent my son, hence my asking for advice on how best to do that.

My view is that, at such a young age, it would be better for my son's stability to have one solid base as opposed to switching between two houses, which I think would be unsettling for him.

My 'paltry' suggestion was an opening gambit. I've never done this before.

Thanks anyway, but a bollocking isn't quite what I was after.

WithConfidence Sat 07-Sep-13 23:41:26

Op, don't worry people feel very strongly about this kind of thing. There is a poster getting the exact opposite bollocking on another section!

If he is in full time childcare is there any way either of you can change your working times so you each have him more when the other is working?

It is very hard to not have them with you. But doing everything yourslf is exhausting, especially if you get ill. I use the time to catch up on housework, batch cook etc. Plus catching up with friends is a good distraction.

If you handle it right, being nice to each other in front of ds and positive when he tells you what he has been up to (even if it kills you inside), he will adjust to whatever you agree on.

EmilyD2012 Mon 09-Sep-13 20:18:20

Thank you WithConfidence, I really appreciate your kind words.

Meeting the ex this evening to discuss options, I'll keep you posted...


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