Being amicable

[Sasquatch75]

I just can't do it! It's 5 weeks today since my husband left and I'm still finding it as hard as ever to even look at him, let alone talk to him. I hate him for leaving us... For not even trying to save our marriage for the sake of the children... How long will it be before these feelings pass? Arrrggggghhhh!

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I am 15 months on from you. It does get a bit easier.
My ExH repeatably does things that just show him up for who he really is. Mostly I ignore, but when it affects DD I feel the anger bubbling.
All I can say is hold the moral high ground, maintain your composure being calm and rational puts them on the back foot.
When I feel really angry I limit the communication to email so as not to let it bubble over.
I don't think I will ever forgive him for the way he gave the impression he was trying to save our marriage and then it came out in a relate session that his way of trying was to still see the OW. I had to lift the relate counsellor's jaw back off the floor for him.

[Zoe999]

Five weeks is nothing. Does he expect u to be over it by now ? 0_o

[Cooroo]

5 weeks is no time at all. You'll still be in agony, in shock. But it will get better. Don't look ahead just deal with what you have to deal with right now.

I avoided direct contact with my ex as much as poss apart from dropping DD there. 12 years on I absolutely don't care. It gets easier gradually.

[Zoe999]

It was 18 months before I learnt to react differently to the drama baiting and the sneering and the assumptions that it was his way or no way. It honestly took me 18 months to figure out how to deal with him as an X.

I agree wth cooroo, the less contact and conversation the better. Don't reply to texts if they don't absolutely require a response. You want to detach and disconnect and that will happen but it hasn't happened yet which is why you're struggling. Of course you are!

[aliciaflorrick]

13 months for me, and I still can't look at ex, it's not a conscious thing it's just something that I realised happened recently. But he is not the person I thought he was and when I think about the way he has treated our DCs, it makes me very angry.

I know it's hard to do, but like others have said, don't respond to the baiting - because you will get it. Only respond via email or text and then only to the necessary emails and not the ones trying to draw you into a fight. I don't do chatty emails I just type down the facts, so drop off at 9.00, pick up at 5.00. That type of thing.

It's easier said than done I know, but I had all ex's emails sent to another directory and at first I used to check it every day, but now it's down to once a week. If he's sent one of his crazy emails I read it, might have a laugh about it with my friends, but I'm able to leave it now. I used to respond but in the end that didn't do me any favours. In fact it was making me ill, I had really bad insomnia. I had to draw the line.

Five weeks is no time, it will get better I promise, but it'll take a little while. Keep yourself busy with no time for brooding.

What makes me feel better is getting on with my life and being the person I am and not the sad person he made me. I am genuinely much happier today than I ever was in my 17 years of marriage.

Good luck with your future.

[Sasquatch75]

Thanks everyone! He's not being mean or anything but he does seem to expect me to be friendly towards him! He didn't have an affair (well not that I know of), he just decided he didn't want this life anymore, so buggered off. He wants to sit down and talk about things but I can't and he seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't want to do that!!! Ok he's moved on I guess, but it's still all new to me! He really can't understand why I react in the way I do. At least I'm not doing things like stopping him seeing the DCs or chucking his stuff out!

[Sasquatch75]

Looks like I still have a long way to go then :/

[RitaFajita]

We get on ok now (time is a great healer and he is a good dad which is the main thing) but I found it bloody hard to put on a show of being amicable initially.

It's VERY early days - you don't need to be best buddies, the goal is to be civil for the sake of the DC.

I remember telling him early on that not to take me being amicable as a sign of forgiveness. That I was doing it for our DD and that I would NEVER forgive him. I needed him to acknowledge that and he did. (God that sounds like some cheesy American talk show lol.)

It's hard to get past the hurt and all the broken promises and expectations of being a 'proper' family gone. Take each day at a time - and you are doing well - avoiding the temptation to put prawns in his belongings etc

[Onebuddhaisnotenough]

Its pretty much universal that the partner who has had the affair/got 'bored' / shit on his or her family is the one who is keen to kerp things amicable. It eases their conscience. And if you aren''t amicable, yhen uou become the psycho ex.
Give yourself time. He has NO right to trll you how you should be feeling. Ask him to put any issues in an email and tell him that at the minute you wish to focus on the practicslities of child contact and ensuring that the children are financially supported. All of his other discussions can wait until YOU are ready.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

I think being amicable, or at least giving the impression of being amicable, is something that only really comes when you realise the damage/strain not being amicable does to you, and you have the strength to do something about it. At least that's what changed for me. My ex is still as useless/selfish/feckless/immature as he has always been, I just choose not to get dragged into his weird little world. I respect the fact my DD loves her dad despite him not being the best parent he could be, and as long as she's happy with him, I choose not to react to his goady nonsense. I'm now very much practised in the gritting of teeth/biting of tongue/forced smile type of interaction with him, and he is oblivious to how I still view him. He thinks I've managed to get past his antics, and I must somehow agree/approve of his behaviour towards our DD. I don't. I just realise the futility in making any comment/openly passing judgement on him/his antics.

5 weeks isn't long, but when you feel that the negativity of your anger and hurt at what your ex had done is having a detrimental effect on your life/your ability to parent/your chances of being happy, you might then figure out what works for you to minimise that. If your ex is lucky, it might mean you can deal with him in a different way which he benefits from, but don't think what he wants should be the reason things change. It has to be what is good for you, and your DC, in the long run.

[willdivorcesoon]

Honestly 5 weeks is no time at all.

I am 9months on from my husband leaving for similar reasons, wasn't happy, didn't want this life anymore etc and for the first 6/7months I went completely no contact. Not easy when we have two young children but for my sanity I had to. I hated him walking into our home alk bright, breezy, looking refreshed and happy whilst I could have had the week from hell and he didn't give a shit. As long as he was happy....

So for 6 or 7 months I totally blanked him. If he spoke to me Iwwould answer politely then leave the room. But the last few months have seen a shift. I am still angry, upset and incredibly hurt but the pain isn't so raw on a daily basis and I'm trying hard to build some type of relationship with him for the sake of our children. Its not easy though as I'd still like to scratch his eyes out for being so utterly selfish.

I'd say do what you have to do to get through the first few months then see how you feel once the initial shock and despair subsides.

[littleblackno]

I agree with Tension. It's bloody hard work being (or pretending to be) amicable sometimes, but for me it's easier and healthier than being angry and upset all the time.
It will get easier, you need to remember that you can't control what he does/ says to you, but you can control how you respond and this will make you stronger and a better person.