Separated several weeks but husband says he still loves me and misses me and the kids

[trumphy]

Thing is, he was the one that wanted to leave. He doesn't want to live with me but keeps wanting to pop round and has the kids quite a lot. I'm just finding it very hard and painful to deal with. I don't know where I am. It's heartbreaking. I love him but can't handle this. Anyone else experienced this sort of thing?

[Sasquatch75]

That sounds really hard. Why did he leave? Does he want to make another go of things or does he just love you as a friend? He needs to be honest with you and stop stringing you along as it's not fair and is stopping you from moving on. He can't keep popping round! Sit him down and have a good talk with him.

[stardust86]

It makes it much harder when they do this as it stops you moving on. Let him pick up or drop off the kids but try not to spend time with him, it's difficult but unless he wants to get back together, then you need space to move on. He can't have it both ways, it's unfair on you all.

[WithConfidence]

What do you want? Keep that in mind, it's not all about what he wants.

[sandiy]

I'm wearing my cynical head this morning.Of course he loves and misses you and the children and his lovely clean home and the magic washing pixie and the shopping fairies and the cooked dinner elf and all of the really useful things that come with being married.Now he has got to do all of that for himself and look after his children poor love.He has Probobly just discovered as well that he isn't the gorgeous sex god he thought he was and hordes of women are not dropping their knickers at the click of his fingers.Finally and most cynically of all living apart is expensive when you ve got to support your children.Most men think it will be just like before they were married and are stunned that they are legally required to support their offspring Oh yes and his mates Probobly think he is a tit as well.Keep all of this in your mind before making any choices about what's best for you.Because he left so it's all about you and your children now.If you want to try again make him really work for it not just slither back in like nothing ever happened.Im talking courtship that means dinners organised by him flowers thoughtful gestures and above all some recognition that he is bloody lucky to you even considering a second chance because you and his children are really special and deserve the best.His best is not a couple of weeks of best behaviour then falling back into old ways but a sustained effort in making it up to you.Sorry end of rant Good luck x

[jomaynard]

Get something organised in terms of when he sees the kids. He needs to take them out. He needs to collect them from the front door or preferably the garden gate, and drop them the same. Even better have someone else in the house to see them out, so you don't have to see him at all.
Only contact is about the kids.

If you do want to give him another chance (and I would say don't even think about it until at least 2 months have past); then make him work very very hard to woo you. Do not make it easy for him, he has to prove he's not going to just disappear the next time things get even slightly hard.

[trumphy]

Hi All

Only just seen your replies, thank you for your input. Oh my goodness, up and down the last few days. Today I feel very down, I sent him a message to say he can't come by in the week and that he needs to give me a weeks notice for plans to have the kids at the weekends. I am tired of him swinging one way to the other. Saying he's not sure what he wants. It's time he gave me a second thought and realises I'm not at his beck and call And Sandiy, I do think he thought he would meet up with women all the time, but so far, nothing, Ha ha. I can read him like a book.

I'm trying so hard right now to be strong and assertive, but in the evening, like now, I weep.

I feel so hurt and it all feels so unfair.

[trumphy]

Yes, I think she has.

[MoreThanWords]

He says HE isn't sure what HE wants??

What do YOU want?

[trumphy]

I suppose I wish that we could work things out, but I just want to feel happy in myself. I think if I work on me and making me happy the rest will follow. Maybe we will sort things and maybe we wont, but I'm tired of being a crying wreck every night.

[sandiy]

What is it that will make you happy?If you love this man and want to be with him then he needs to be reliable,dou you trust him not to change his mind again.Its miserable being left and it takes a while to get better.About 3 months of misery and tearfulness and then you start to slowly improve a year down the line I'm great and I bet loads of others will tell you the same.The thing is and I'm trying to be gentle is that things will never go back to the way they were,it's not possible everything has changed.You need to get to the heart of what it is that makes him a great husband and father try making a pros and cons list of the good and bad not a half hearted one but an honest and raw one.Is he kind,considerate ,romantic,a good provider,funny,interesting,does he make an effort,do the shopping help with children,housework,Make you feel tingly and exited,make you feel safe,do the children miss him and want him home or are they happier without him there be truthful really think about it you don t have to share it it's for your self.Please don t allow him back for money and financial security because that's just not a good enough reason to be miserable.Do you have a job or a social life of your own both really help friends can provide amazing opportunities for fun and a good moan just ask for support.

[trumphy]

Thats a good idea with the pros and cons list. The kids do miss him and enjoy spending time with him. But to be honest he's only been nicer since he moved out. I think that with that tension removed it makes it easier. Its ironic because since he moved out we've talked more than we have in years. He pulled away from me a long time ago, and no matter what I did he carried on doing his own thing. But I do see now that I should have done more stuff for myself. Gone out on my own more, done things to please myself sometimes. He's lost respect for me along the way because I didn't value myself enough. Its a harsh truth to realise but I think it will help me long term, whatever happens with us.

I have good and bad days, the last few have been bad. I cried a lot last night and today I feel emotionally drained. I need to pull back from him and create a bit of distance. I don't want to make any rash decisions and want to do whats best for me.

I miss how he used to be and I've lost my self-esteem along the way. I need to get that back.

[ProtectiveMother]

Oh Trumphy I feel for you. I know the feeling. Went through v similar. Pull back and detach, detach, detach. Good luck.

[trumphy]

Thanks ProtectiveMother. I just wish I could feel better. I'm tired of crying everyday and feeling so hurt. I sooo want to feel happier.