Advanced search

Am I mad to even be considering this???

(49 Posts)
justpoppy Fri 09-Aug-13 14:21:27

Have been on my own with DS8 for most of his life. He's had no contact with his Dad for about 2 years now. I've found out this week that I'm pregnant after a ONS - first time I've DTD with anyone in over a year. Condom split, took MAP and that's failed too. Could only happen to me!

Anyway, have told ONS who has made his feeling very clear - he wants nothing to do with me. Am I crazy to consider going it alone again?

Financially things are fine, I work, I have a great childminder who looks after DS and my parents have always supported me. I've always been on my own so to me having a DP there to support me is as alien as someone who is married considering being a LP. I'm not sure I could face the alternative. I'm 40 this year so really this is my last chance to have a sibling for DS. I doubt I'd regret having a baby but I could regret not going through with it.

Not sure why I'm posting really - I feel like I've been very irresponsible and am being selfish considering having another baby on my own and in such sordid circumstances. I worry about how my DC will be affected not having their dad's around and I'm ashamed to say I worry about being judged by people around me. My head is all over the place at the moment and I'd really appreciate some honest opinions.

justpoppy Mon 12-Aug-13 09:45:03

GetYourMoney you're right ONS doesn't have a choice in my decision whether I go ahead or not. I told him initially because I thought it was the right thing to do and I will let him know my decision as I think that's the right thing to do for the child.

belief I doubt I will pursue him for child support. I know it takes two people to dtd and some people will disagree with my decision but I'm able to provide for a child myself and as its my decision to go it alone I'm not sure that going after his money is something I want/need to do. Its a battle I really don't want to have (and it would be a a battle as he's self employed and his work is erratic).

Chipping I absolutely agree with your post 100%. I really would rather do this totally alone than have someone else making things harder. That said if he did want to be involved I wouldn't make things difficult as obviously I'd owe that to my dc.

Roshbegosh my parents do help a lot with DS now, BUT he's 8, great company and fits in with things that they want to do and enjoy doing. A baby/toddler obviously wouldn't do that and I wouldn't expect them to help as much. I have a fantastic childminder who (hopefully) will have space when/if the time comes.

So now having got my head around having another child doubts of a different kind are creeping in. I've got a really strong feeling that this is not a viable pregnancy. I can't let myself get too excited about it at such an early stage if I'm going to just see an empty sac on the US screen. Seeing that written down I know how crazy it sounds - all pregnancies are different, not everyone has symptoms etc but I can't stop thinking it. I can't get to the EPU until Bank holiday week when I'm off work so I guess I've just got to wait it out until then. Am considering buying one of the clearblue tests that tell you how pregnant you are as I obviously know the actual date it happened. Trying not to let it drive me completely bonkers but obviously its constantly on my mind!

tomsellecklover Mon 12-Aug-13 15:33:23

justpoppy - I don't think you are mad. a child is always a blessing, you would never regret having them. its sensible that you are aware it is early days. Just a thought though is that I would keep in mind that hopefully if it all goes well that there is still a chance that dad could decide months or years down the line that he wants to see his child.

justpoppy Mon 12-Aug-13 16:12:02

Of course tom and I'd never ever close the door on that possibility. If things do go ahead I will let him know. It's his choice then whether he decides to keep in touch or indeed get back in touch in the future.

Roshbegosh Mon 12-Aug-13 23:33:26

Wishing you all the best poppy xxx

justpoppy Tue 13-Aug-13 09:37:26

Thank you Roshbegosh.

I have an appointment for a scan at the EPU tomorrow morning so will know for sure then.

Roshbegosh Tue 13-Aug-13 17:56:24

That's a good idea. Hope you see a lovely little flutter x

justpoppy Tue 13-Aug-13 20:30:56

I hope so too although I'm really not getting too excited. It just doesn't feel right. sad

justpoppy Wed 14-Aug-13 12:36:15

As I suspected, small gestational sac but no baby. The sonographer said she could see something - perhaps a small flicker - but that it could just be a maternal pulse (whatever that is!) I have to go back in two weeks to be scanned again but as I'm certain of my dates I don't expect there to be any change.

So now I'm back to where I was before but with all these mad feelings running through my head that I hadn't considered before. I'd resigned myself I suppose to no more kids but this has made me realise that actually I would like to have more children.

Roshbegosh Wed 14-Aug-13 20:02:25

I am so sorry poppy but there is still a chance that it was too small to see, otherwise she wouldn't have asked you back in two weeks. When did you DTD?

justpoppy Wed 14-Aug-13 21:18:37

DTD 14 July which was day 16 of my cycle. I think it's protocol that they ask you back two weeks later. I had a MMC a while back and same thing happened then. There is a chance that they could see more at the second scan but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Roshbegosh Fri 16-Aug-13 16:14:15

No don't get you hopes up but there is still some hope. I am away now but I will be thinking of you and will check back in. She saw some pulse movement but thought it likely to be just from you and could not say one way or the other. So hard to have to wait and be uncertain. On the other hand you know what MC feels like so sadly, you may be right. Try to keep busy and distracted as much as possible xxx

russetbella1000 Fri 16-Aug-13 22:53:29

Ah I'm sorry...:0(
Hope you have good people around you right now.

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 10:05:43

Have woken up this morning to cramps and some bleeding. I'm gutted obviously but knew something wasn't right so its not a massive shock.

emilyeggs Mon 19-Aug-13 10:48:33

Hope you are doing ok in the circumstances x

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 11:24:38

Oh I am so sorry sad Is there anyone who can come over and be with you if you want some company? [I probably wouldn't, I'd rather be alone]. Is DS there with you? Can your parents take him out for the day? Big hugs x

I am also sorry that I missed the middle of your thread, things drop off the bottom of 'my threads' far too quickly and I can't do an advance search (MN isn't working properly for me and tech can't fix it). I need to start using 'watch this thread' for important threads.

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 12:17:50

I'm at work Chipping. Wanted to keep busy and as the bleeding wasn't too bad I thought I'd chance it. I know that could prove not to be the best decision I've ever made but I was told off by HR for my sickness record at the beginning of the year and won't get paid if I take time off until my record is clear for a year.

cupcake78 Mon 19-Aug-13 12:28:25

By the sound of it your in a better position than a lot of people who find themselves pregnant. If you want the baby then have it! Stuff what other people and society think. Surely the main concern is how the baby and ds will be affected.

I can't see an issue with having a stable, good protective home and a mum who wants and loves her children! Congratulations!

cupcake78 Mon 19-Aug-13 12:30:14

Op I'm so sorry I posted before reading the full thread! Please look after yourself.

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 12:40:07

Thanks cupcake78

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 22:46:37

Poppy - how are you? I hope, all considered, you are 'OK' x

Can they actually do that (re your sick leave)??

justpoppy Mon 19-Aug-13 23:28:47

I'm ok thanks Chipping. Cramping got progressively worse through the day. Not unbearable but worse than a bad period pain. I passed something earlier this evening and since then the pain has eased off so I'm hoping that might be the worst of it over.

Re sick leave apparently if we have over 10 days in one calendar year they can stop sick pay. I had a week off with bronchitis before Xmas and a week in feb with norovirus and when I came back I got told if I was sick again within a year it would be unpaid leave! I work in law so I'm pretty certain they can do it. Don't know whether it would make a difference that this is maternity related - I doubt it. Our hr department aren't known for their compassion.

Roshbegosh Tue 20-Aug-13 14:34:26

So sorry poppy x

ChippingInHopHopHop Tue 20-Aug-13 19:21:53

Poppy - <<HUG>> sad I have no idea about these things, sorry, but do you need to go and see anyone?

Your work sounds bloody awful - I remember why I left that particular rat race!! Mind you, it was better paid than the current hampster wheel!!

justpoppy Wed 21-Aug-13 00:56:57

Thanks Rosh. It's been a very weird and emotional few weeks.

Chipping I have another appointment for a scan at the EPU next week. I've not had a chance to call them yet but I suspect their advice will be to keep the appointment so they can check that there are no retained products left after the mc. Fingers crossed my body has dealt with things and I won't need any further treatment.

I feel fine physically - emotionally not so much but I'll get there.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: