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Having a wobble [sad]

(69 Posts)
Solasum Wed 17-Jul-13 15:40:06

I am four months pregnant, and for various reasons my relationship with the baby's father has disintegrated completely. When I found out I was pregnant he said I had ruined his life etc.

Until now I had felt confident that I could go it alone, but now a few people have said 'how brave' I am, and I have been looking for childfriendly places to live I guess it seems more real, somehow, and much more scary.

My parents know and have been surprisingly supportive, but I have not felt able to tell many friends yet, so I have been spending quite a lot of time on my own, when I am usually pretty sociable.

I guess what I am after really is some happy stories from people who have been where I am now, and have had a happy ending. Because at the moment I just want to curl up in a ball and hide sad

Confused40 Tue 23-Jul-13 08:18:41

Hi solasum
I can totally relate to how your feeling and what your going through. When I fell pregnant with dd her father said I'd ruined his life, he couldn't afford it, baby would have deformities, have an abortion etc.
I've not seen him since telling him I was pregnant. I had dd 7 weeks ago. My very close friend was with me, and I had a doula.
I'm loving dd so much and it is tough, but you'll get through itgrin.
Please make sure you have a strong support network around you. You'll need it after the birth. My friend stayed with me for a week after dd was born and friends have been amazingly supportive.
You can do this my lovely, and you'll gain so much strength. Yes there will be days when it's tough, but the benefits outweigh the negatives. Please feel free to private message me if you like. smilesmile

betterthanever Mon 22-Jul-13 22:19:35

Your ex you saw today sounds really nice. I am glad you have also experienced someone caring at the moment.
I totally agree with this *Arguably you could counter any such point scoring by asserting you'd be driven to it by his disproportionate ire stressing you and your baby unnecessarily. Even he must recognise a happy mother = happy child?
I didn't the seek the help I should because I had the same worries as you - if I had sough the help I actually think it would be helping my court case as it would help demonstrate just what my ex did to me during pregnancy and just after the birth. I bet Kate Middleton doesn't get a first put in her face in a couple of days.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 22-Jul-13 18:26:48

If you need the help, you need to ask for it. I've been in your shoes only it was my own dad who was the arsehole to me through my pregnancy. The help I got was talking to a CPN, and latterly taking ADs to help me through a horrendous pregnancy. It will not go against you if you ask for help as that shows you understand your limits and when to get the help you need. Go for it, it will not make you vulnerable to your ex's threats.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 22-Jul-13 18:10:11

Weight wise, I lost weight when expecting both my DCs my mum did too.

You have a lot on your plate so not rocket science you may have lost some sparkle. Having the rug pulled out from under you so soon after learning you are experiencing a life changing event tends to do that!

Seriously I don't think worrying about it counting against you later if ex makes capital out of it is good enough reason to defer asking for help if you need it.

Realising you may require extra support and acting on this would be a sign of strength not weakness! That is, if you do feel vulnerable.

Arguably you could counter any such point scoring by asserting you'd be driven to it by his disproportionate ire stressing you and your baby unnecessarily. Even he must recognise a happy mother = happy child?

Solasum Mon 22-Jul-13 16:42:34

I am back to feeling wretched today, despite my mum giving me a pep talk.

I saw an old boyfriend (who is lovely), and he said he was worried about me and thought I should consider talking to someone (GP or similar) as I seem depressed and have apparently lost weight. I am a bit worried about doing this though, in case if I get 'help' it will give the father any advantage if we do end up not being able to be diplomatic, i.e. without court. Any thoughts?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 22-Jul-13 10:14:49

Ill second that MariaLuna grin

MariaLuna Sun 21-Jul-13 23:06:42

Hi Solasum,


I can imagine you find the prospect of single motherhood daunting and that's o.k. It's normal.
You are getting great support here.

You mentioned somewhere that you felt you wouldn't be enough for your baby. We've all felt that and you WILL be enough. Total love and good care is all a child needs (apart from the practicalities, obviously!).

Bringing up a child single-handedly is both the hardest and most amazing thing you can do in your life.
I did it from the age of 6 months. Up until then his dad was around but frankly it was so much simpler to do it on my own. If the father is not going to pull his weight 100% and even worse, make life a misery (his did), it is so much better and more relaxed just the two of you. I dread to think how my son would have turned out with his dad around with all his fuckwittery.

My son is now 22, a lovely, well-balanced guy, lots of friends, going to university and at the moment travelling in South America.

So, to all those people spouting rubbish about single-parent children being worse off, I say:
Fuck you! grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 21-Jul-13 22:18:35

grin Am sure you'll cope with Lego, or any toy he takes a shine to.

honey86 Sun 21-Jul-13 22:11:30

lego is the nuts! until you tread on a bit with bare feet. yoww x

Solasum Sun 21-Jul-13 22:10:34

Thank you all, Waves particularly, for the encouragement. I feel like I am back on an even keel now. flowers

Solasum Sun 21-Jul-13 22:08:03

Donkeys, it is a boy. Still slightly in !! mode as I have never really had much to do with little boys. But I have always liked lego, so am hopeful our case is not hopeless.

queenofthepirates Sun 21-Jul-13 21:42:51

Hi Solasum,

You are going to be fabulous and it will all be fine. No one cares if you're on your own (I thought everyone did but actually they were more concerned for me than building up pre conceptions).
Best of luck xxx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 21-Jul-13 17:02:20

It's all about Fat Head I suppose Solasum tsk tsk his ickle ego or image hurt... Yes he may feel like the big man when he harangues you now but he'll look especially odious when you're 7 months' on if he still dishes out vileness.

Onto pleasanter things will you want to know the gender of your baby?

wavesandsmiles Sun 21-Jul-13 16:59:42

sola you sound so brave, your baby is very lucky to have you as it's mummy.

I'm waiting the arrival of my little acrobat any day, and can't begin to tell you how much of what you have posted resonates with me. I can't link as I'm on my phone, but you will probably be able to find links to my threads in relationships. I have also had the court threats and animosity off my stbxh and have learned that cutting contact is best for me and the baby for now.

I've cocooned myself away and this is a normal thing to do in pregnancy, and will also be a normal thing to do as you adjust to life with a newborn. MN has been an absolute life line for me as I've worked through the sadness and fears and anger.

I am pretty sure that in London there is access to doulas who will provide services for free in circumstances such as yours. I have a doula and it has been wonderful so far working with her on my birth plan etc.

I took months and months to find the courage to let people in RL know about the separation, but have received so much support as a result. Just take your time, find a way to make a safe space for yourself and try to avoid contact with your ex. If you can find my threads, I am sure you will find lots of helpful advice that could help you too

Solasum Sun 21-Jul-13 16:48:29

Donkeys, I did actually make the point about the baby being able to hear the shouting a few weeks ago. I cannot say it went down well. smile

Anyway, I am resolved no more shouting, or crying.

betterthanever Sun 21-Jul-13 14:53:58

bunch the link is wonderful - I just wish all that, or at least a lot of it could be applied in my case albeit that my DS is older.

betterthanever Sun 21-Jul-13 13:14:00

notanymore no, being on the birth cert has no bearing on the court case bar a question of why are you not on, which they usually reply to with `she wouldn't let me' mine didn't actually he said `he was not aware of the birth registering process' confused ! Mine sent me a demanding email to`see his DS' after leaving an inappropriate present on the doorstep then sent a sol. letter to ask for a DNA test confused then took it to court... my DS was 7 at the time.
Good point donkey my DS would have heard horribleness from his dad in the womb and not very nice ones sad
bunch if he took to court early on they would probably give him joint residency. I will read that link sounds very interesting. I wish someone would tell my ex that no matter what contact he gets it will not be an access all areas whenever he likes order.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 21-Jul-13 11:23:59

As soon as he starts on about his rights think to yourself, "What's best for the baby?" which is what any agency involved would priorotise above his demands.

It's a petty retaliation if your ex thinks bullying you by splitting you from a newborn or infant is really the best solution to him impregnating you.

After 18 weeks a foetus starts to hear. What a shame if the angry bellowing noise it hears is the first sound of the father's voice.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sun 21-Jul-13 10:07:08

Any contact or residency arrangements has to be in the best interests of the child. So the twunt here isn't going to get very far in his threats for residency unless he has strong evidence that solasum is a potential danger to the baby or has the potential to neglect etc. I'm guessing he has no such evidence smile

I found this on another thread which gives some insight into the considerations on how to structure contact in very young children. It's an Australian judgement but worth a read, if only to reassure OP just how empty her twunt's threats really are. He simply cannot rock up and take the baby as he wants, no matter how much bluster has has.

notanyanymore Sat 20-Jul-13 23:37:24

I meant they expect him to have made reasonable steps towards the mother to establish contact prior to taking it straight to court? Rather then just abuse and threats (which is why I think she should keep records). Plus the whole registering the birth thing? If he doesn't show for that does it impact court claims later? FWIW you sound like you're going through a hell of the time betterthenever and have a better idea of this kind of situation then me!

betterthanever Sat 20-Jul-13 23:30:50

notanymore it makes no difference if they have not done anything in the past if they take you to court - they get contact and they get given them parental responsibility via court which is just a joke I know but it is how it is.The Op and many others go through all this and they can rock up at any time and act like `super dad' and the court goes great!! sup you are right that the fact saying she feels she may not be enough does show just how great she will be - my ex who has never done anything for his DS (who is now 8) claims to the court he is going to be a `great' father - no doubt in his mind confused

notanyanymore Sat 20-Jul-13 22:58:16

Really ignore the 'I'll take you to court' crap, its an empty threat people like to throw about. A) it costs a lot of money B) they will expect him to have made some effort beforehand C) He'll need to make the effort to come and register the birth with you to begin with if he wishes to proceed further. It probably isn't something you want to think of right now but make sure you keep all records of texts/emails from this point forward and also a note of any run ins you have like last night. You need to stay in control of the situation, and keeping the facts could be of a massive assistance in the future should it come to it. Also, mention it to your midwife. Again it means its on record and they may be able to offer you extra support. And yy to having a student midwife at the birth, I had one with dc3 and it was lovely, think I actually paid more attention to her then anyone else in the room tbh.

SupSlick Sat 20-Jul-13 22:49:25

My partner broke up with me on the spot when I told him I was pregnant. Haven't seen him since & now have an amazing little 9 month old boy.
I just want you to know, I've been in your position. Some days I was so terrified of what would happen when my ex's conscience kicked in, if he would contest me for my baby. Other days I felt crippled by the loneliness, & other times I felt like no one sees my as anything else than a single mum & all the connotations that go with that label.
Now I'm fiercly defensive of being a lone parent, because I would rather my DS have no father than a bad one.

I really feel for you, It sounds to me like your ex is throwing a tantrum to hurt you. The fact that you are worrying you won't be enough for your baby shows you will be enough, because you're already thinking like a mum & putting your baby first.
I just want you to know, you'll hold your baby for the first time & none of these feelings now will matter.

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:45:06

Sillymilly, I am in London, so sadly not near you, but thank you for the offer, it is really kind of you!

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:41:55

Tricky, I do not have another appointment for quite a few weeks, but will mention it when I do. In my booking appointment they did not bat an eyelid when I said I was single, so I guess it is pretty common these days.

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