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Having a wobble [sad]

(69 Posts)
Solasum Wed 17-Jul-13 15:40:06

I am four months pregnant, and for various reasons my relationship with the baby's father has disintegrated completely. When I found out I was pregnant he said I had ruined his life etc.

Until now I had felt confident that I could go it alone, but now a few people have said 'how brave' I am, and I have been looking for childfriendly places to live I guess it seems more real, somehow, and much more scary.

My parents know and have been surprisingly supportive, but I have not felt able to tell many friends yet, so I have been spending quite a lot of time on my own, when I am usually pretty sociable.

I guess what I am after really is some happy stories from people who have been where I am now, and have had a happy ending. Because at the moment I just want to curl up in a ball and hide sad

smokinaces Thu 18-Jul-13 20:29:39

what's he wanting from the court?? Access? To relinquish his rights?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Thu 18-Jul-13 20:34:50

Solasum the best thing you can do is to cut contact with him until you are in a better place emotionally. If he works with you, speak to HR about being harassed/abused in the work place, and ask them to deal with it - making sure he knows he is not to approach you/talk to you/email you/contact you in any way. He can take you to court all he wants, but he'll soon find out he has little sway in how this will be dealt with if he's looking for contact. He'll struggle to get any kind of 'open door' contact if he is abusing you or harassing you, and he won't be dictating to you how this will pan out.

Cut yourself off from him as much as you can and reach out to people for help and support thru friends/family/here when you need it. He can stew 'til the baby is here.

russetbella1000 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:58:42

....Agree with others you do not nieed to talk to him...he can run about spouting this and that about courts but please don't worry about anything until there is a court date. Honestly, he'll prob just have his 'free-legals half hour that lawyers give away and after that you won't hear from him. That's what father of my dd did, hilarious. He was just angry that I was in control and he had no control over me...Honestly it's often just a power thing. Just try to rise above it and know that no-one will force you to do anything. His relationship with the child is up to him not you to pursue...At some point. For now though his needs are not important, your baby's are AND as main carer YOUR needs trump his.

Btw I did do NCT, I paid 10% as my income was obviously not as much as a couple's... I quite enjoyed them (mainly because they didn;t cost me £200+) but each to their own. I was determined that just because I was on my own I would do everything I wanted to. Part of the positive messages I'm determined to show my daughter as she grows up confident and as proud of her family unit as I am :0))

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 22:09:15

I just cannot get him to shut up once he starts talking. He says whatever he can that he knows will hurt me most, and at the moment I feel powerless to do anything. I can see that he is playing all on all my anxieties perfectly. But then I think that he is only
doing it because he is scared, so I ought to hear him out. He tells me I should stop being so selfish and take responsibility for my actions.

When I am calm I can see he is being an arse. But I am not so good at staying calm at the moment.

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 22:15:37

He wants to take the baby away from me as I am unfit to look after it. Ironic, really, given his initial position.

sillymillyb Thu 18-Jul-13 22:19:27

Ah sweetheart, what a bastard!! He is all hot air, there is not a court in this land that would take a new born baby from its mother unless you were proved to be seriously unfit over a prolonged period of time.

I'm so angry on your behalf! Are you ok?

russetbella1000 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:29:03

Please, when you've had a sleep...:0) realise how desperate he must be to try and make you think you're an unfit mother. He can call blue green but it doesn't make it so. WHEREAS your actions show that your a good mother. He hasn't got the same evidence :0))

Don't give him airtime.

Be proud of yourself and think about how lucky you are not to need to deal with him any more because you really don't have to. Just be completely professional when it comes to baby. Yes, in time you will be able to facilitate time for him to see his baby but for now you must concentrate on yourself and therefore baby. He just has no place in this since he can only be abusive. This is how you justify your actions. You need only answer to your baby not to him.

Good luck, be strong but know you alone are the best thing for your baby right now. Should things change you can reassess but this will be down to you not him.

Solasum Thu 18-Jul-13 22:43:46

I will be ok. We will be ok. We will be happy. My new mantra!

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Thu 18-Jul-13 22:48:59

smile You will.

betterthanever Thu 18-Jul-13 23:03:20

You will learn how to handle the stress he puts you under. 8 years on and a few books and a lot of great support on MN and I am starting to get there. You are describing my ex perfectly. You said that he is only doing it because he is scared.. he may be scared but he is doing it because he is not very nice - he is abusive - nice people even when they are scared do not behave in that way. Please tell the health professionals what is going on and cut contact. You are going to be just fine - it will be ok.

Solasum Fri 19-Jul-13 10:32:33

Thank you all.

When you say health professionals, do you mean the midwife? I do not have an HV or anything like that.

I feel like I have been bulldozed today.

betterthanever Fri 19-Jul-13 14:30:43

yes, sorry it will be the midwives whilst you are still pregnant but I would also log it with your GP too. And when baby is born inform the health visitors. I had some crazy idea that baby would be taken from me if I told them... it was all new to me then. You are doing the right things getting advice now - I wish I had been on MN 8 or 9 years ago.

sillymillyb Fri 19-Jul-13 14:38:40

Yup, tell your midwife, she will be able to reassure you and it's best that there is a record of what he is saying. I told mine everything and she was fab, a real support. Your hv usually comes out to do a home visit just before your due date, then they come after your baby is born, so it's worth mentioning to her as well when you meet her.

I'm sorry you feel bulldozed, can you take it easy today? Please try not to give him a second more head space, he can threaten to goto court all he likes, but recommended contact for young children is little and often (several times a week for maybe an hour) and unless your shooting heroin into your eyeballs in front of the midwife, there is no way a judge would recommend otherwise.

Sending hugs (and ice cream.... Don't envy you being pregnant in this heat!)

Do you have much rl support by the way? Friends? Family? Where in country are you? If your anywhere ear Newcastle I'd happily meet up for a coffee or something smile

sillymillyb Fri 19-Jul-13 14:39:24

Oops, slow typed and crossed posts!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 20-Jul-13 17:50:42

How are you today Solasum?

I expect you have clicked on Sections in the blue banner headings at the top of the page, and probably looked at Pregnancy, but in case you haven't, tons of useful stuff there.

TrickyTreeLou Sat 20-Jul-13 20:33:26

Hello Sola

Just to say when I first saw my Midwife and told her about my situation, I was referred to a special midwife at hospital. I only saw her twice, but on each occasion she was fantastic. As far as I was aware, she was there to support women who were pregnant in difficult circumstances. I saw her at both my 12 week and 20 week scan, both times for a chat about how I was doing, and it was almost a bit of a counselling session. She also gave me her contact information and said she would see me/speak to me at any time.

I didn't see her again because I generally felt ok (and was having counselling provided through my GP). I guess my point is I found the healthcare provisions for my situation very good once they were aware of my circumstances.

Hope you're doing ok. smile

honey86 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:40:25

we can wobble together then sad

im 6 months pregnant with no.4 (my 3 dcs dad passed away) and im now single... my emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive ex is doing all he can to try and make me feel insecure... hes a nasty peice of work.

i hate him so much for the grief hes caused me and my family ill never forgive him i swear sad

why do these men get away with all this sad

honey86 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:48:46

and ive had the same court threats. hes even made a false allegation about me to childrens services. im nervous cos my social worker , although happy with how me and the kids and house are, say she needs to talk to him after the professionals cos hes the babys dad. hell lie and exaggerate and spew out this n that about me, just to hurt me and try to drag out social services involvement so he has something to say about me in court sad why cant he just stop his evil behaviour

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:39:01

Oh Honey , that is rubbish. But you know you have done nothing wrong, and your social worker does too. And so does your ex, who you are clearly better off without.

I am ok today, thank you. I have been at a big family do today, and felt a bit sad firstly that I was the only 'only', and secondly that all my siblings' children are now teenagers, so my baby will not have any cousins of similar age to play with. My mum asked me if it would help me if she took the baby while he is small, which was unexpected.

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:41:55

Tricky, I do not have another appointment for quite a few weeks, but will mention it when I do. In my booking appointment they did not bat an eyelid when I said I was single, so I guess it is pretty common these days.

Solasum Sat 20-Jul-13 22:45:06

Sillymilly, I am in London, so sadly not near you, but thank you for the offer, it is really kind of you!

SupSlick Sat 20-Jul-13 22:49:25

My partner broke up with me on the spot when I told him I was pregnant. Haven't seen him since & now have an amazing little 9 month old boy.
I just want you to know, I've been in your position. Some days I was so terrified of what would happen when my ex's conscience kicked in, if he would contest me for my baby. Other days I felt crippled by the loneliness, & other times I felt like no one sees my as anything else than a single mum & all the connotations that go with that label.
Now I'm fiercly defensive of being a lone parent, because I would rather my DS have no father than a bad one.

I really feel for you, It sounds to me like your ex is throwing a tantrum to hurt you. The fact that you are worrying you won't be enough for your baby shows you will be enough, because you're already thinking like a mum & putting your baby first.
I just want you to know, you'll hold your baby for the first time & none of these feelings now will matter.

notanyanymore Sat 20-Jul-13 22:58:16

Really ignore the 'I'll take you to court' crap, its an empty threat people like to throw about. A) it costs a lot of money B) they will expect him to have made some effort beforehand C) He'll need to make the effort to come and register the birth with you to begin with if he wishes to proceed further. It probably isn't something you want to think of right now but make sure you keep all records of texts/emails from this point forward and also a note of any run ins you have like last night. You need to stay in control of the situation, and keeping the facts could be of a massive assistance in the future should it come to it. Also, mention it to your midwife. Again it means its on record and they may be able to offer you extra support. And yy to having a student midwife at the birth, I had one with dc3 and it was lovely, think I actually paid more attention to her then anyone else in the room tbh.

betterthanever Sat 20-Jul-13 23:30:50

notanymore it makes no difference if they have not done anything in the past if they take you to court - they get contact and they get given them parental responsibility via court which is just a joke I know but it is how it is.The Op and many others go through all this and they can rock up at any time and act like `super dad' and the court goes great!! sup you are right that the fact saying she feels she may not be enough does show just how great she will be - my ex who has never done anything for his DS (who is now 8) claims to the court he is going to be a `great' father - no doubt in his mind confused

notanyanymore Sat 20-Jul-13 23:37:24

I meant they expect him to have made reasonable steps towards the mother to establish contact prior to taking it straight to court? Rather then just abuse and threats (which is why I think she should keep records). Plus the whole registering the birth thing? If he doesn't show for that does it impact court claims later? FWIW you sound like you're going through a hell of the time betterthenever and have a better idea of this kind of situation then me!

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