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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Older child refuses to babysit or have a sitter

12 replies

horrorfrog · 16/07/2013 20:53

I'm having a real problem with my DD (14). She was very excited to start babysitting for her brothers (8,11) and was very happy to do it for a while because it made her feel grown up. I naively said I'd always ask her and wouldn't go out if she didn't want me to.
She started to say she didn't feel safe at home on her own, and one night when I was going stir crazy and desperately needed adult company, I went out when she was unhappy with me going. I felt terrible about going but I checked on them regularly, felt a lot more human by the time I got home, and they'd watched a film together and she seemed fine.
Four weeks later I am talking to her about an important night out that I've been looking forward to and have offered to let her have a friend to keep her company. She is saying I shouldn't have done that before and I obviously don't care about her. Her friends can't stay the night and she doesn't want me to go out. She refuses to let me get a babysitter because she'll feel like a baby, but also refuses to babysit.
How do I resolve this knowing she's unwilling to compromise as she is 14, while considering her feelings, but not letting her rule the roost? I feel like I'm in an impossible situation.

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LineRunner · 16/07/2013 20:56

You need to arrange a babysitter.

You don't have to call it that, but in a similar situation (I had to work) I arranged for an adult friend to come round.

14 year olds vary enormously in their levels of maturity and abilities, and if she's telling you she's not ready then she's not ready.

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TeamSouthfields · 16/07/2013 21:05

14 is still very very young !

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LineRunner · 16/07/2013 21:08

It is young, and brothers of 11 and 8 may be a handful for her.

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exexpat · 16/07/2013 21:13

If she will kick up a fuss for a babysitter, can you send her for a sleepover at a friend's while a babysitter looks after the other two?

Do you think she is genuinely worried about being left alone, or can't cope with the two younger ones, or is she trying to use this to control you? She might be feeling insecure for some reason and not happy about you having an adult social life away from her

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LineRunner · 16/07/2013 21:21

That's a very good point, ex.

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horrorfrog · 16/07/2013 21:38

The other two are really not a problem for her and she loves looking after them - it was a real treat when she first started. So it's not that.
I know she does feel insecure as her dad is very difficult, needy and overcritical and it affects her.
We spend most evenings together watching TV and she always needs company so obviously she resents me going out for that reason.
She was fine with it up until a couple of months ago. I don't know whether she's being controlling but she definitely resents me going out to the pub to see my boss/friend's band because she finds him annoying (she is fine with me going to book group where it's all mums she knows). I never drink a lot so that's not an issue. She does see herself as an adult so probably doesn't like the fact that I need adult company.

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Numberlock · 16/07/2013 21:42

Perhaps she feels threatened that you'll meet someone else?

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HeySoulSister · 16/07/2013 21:45

Do you pay her? Buy her special babysitting food maybe?

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curlew · 16/07/2013 21:45

Tell her that the baby sitter is for her brothers - she is old enough not to need one. And make sure the baby sitter understands that too.

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Fairylea · 16/07/2013 21:48

I agree with curlew

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AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 16/07/2013 22:11

Also agree with curlew. That way she still feels like a grown up but doesn't have the responsibility of watching the other two and will feel safer if she really is feeling scared.

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horrorfrog · 17/07/2013 00:25

That's a good compromise, curlew - thank you. I do occasionally offer her a fiver for looking after them, but she normally turns it down (which is odd, I know!). I'm sure the thing about her being worried I'll meet someone is there somewhere at the back of her mind, but I don't think she's deconstructing it to quite that extent yet!
I try so hard to not be selfish, and feel so guilty when I am, but sometimes I just have to get out and be myself, not a mother or an employee or anything where people are depending on me. But the minefield you have to cross to get there...!
Thank you all for your input, it's very much appreciated.