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should i allow my ex partners girlfriends see my daughter when shes with her dad

(123 Posts)
lilworthy Wed 10-Jul-13 14:42:19

hi im new to this but im stressed about something so anything if you can help in anyway right my daughters dad has just got himself a relationship with a girl he met of the internet and they have been allowing her to come down without my knowing and my daughter meeting her and im upset as i still love him in a way but we been split for 4 years now they have been together for under a year and i told my ex when we was able to talk to each other that he dont let my daughter meet his girlfriend unless i have met her just to get to know her and know she wont cause any harm to my daughter my ex was abusive towards me and i agreed with his mum because me and him are not allowed to talk because he keeps saying he loves me and that. we agreed that his girlfriend will not come down when my daughter is to spend the weekend with her dad and they asked me if they could take my daughter to the beach i said sure because i throught it ment my daughter and her dad were going to spend time together but i have just found out by his mum that my ex invited his girlfriend to the beach with them and that her dad and his girlfriend left my daughter with his mum and that and didnt spend any time with her at all and they keep going behind my back and letting my daughter meet her when we agreed that dont happen and his mum threaten me with court and kept saying if i got a relationship they wouldnt want to meet him they wouldnt care but if that was to happen i would want my ex to meet him if i knew it was going to last even though ive been on my own 4 years now due to my ex lieing and threating and all that his family kicked him out my parents gave him a place to live when that happen his dad kept phoning the police on my ex partner for no reason that i know of and my exs dad hit him he came to me because we was living together and he wanted to phone the police on his dad because his dad hit him and i stopped that he parents never liked me and i dont really like them anymore i get on with them for my daughter but i have lost the trust and respect for them now and im confused about what to do

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:15:35

thats not the reason if that was the reason it would of been ages ago i would have stopped it and your not understanding this i never said i would stop the contact.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:17:15

i said i would limit the contact not stop it!!. i would never stop my dd seeing her daddy!!

ThingummyBob Thu 11-Jul-13 13:22:01

You cannot stop him spending his time with dd any way he see's fit.

Same as he can't dictate who you spend time with either.

If however the person who you claimed to still love in your first post is actually an abusive fuckwit, then yes. You should take steps to prevent your dd being exposed to such behaviour.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:22:10

OP do you wish to limit contact now?
Do you think that your DD is at risk?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:24:41


Chubfuddler Thu 11-Jul-13 13:29:54

At risk from what? If you have thought your ex poses a risk to her why have you allowed contact for so long?

Gigondas Thu 11-Jul-13 13:33:26

I agree with chub. You said that your ex is no longer abusive. Nothing in your posts indicates gf is abusive. So what is your reason for limiting contact?

And no one is judging you - they are just trying to find out more to give proper help.

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 13:33:51

lilworthy, Just because people here are saying that you can't insist on vetting your ex's girlfriend it does not mean that we approve of how he has treated you. He is clearly a nasty piece of work. But just because he's been a shit to you it doesn't mean you get more legal rights than already afforded by law.

As much as you want to meet this woman you have no legal right to insist on it. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it is the truth of the matter. I understand the worry about who your ex is introducing your child to, I really do. My ex has introduced my DCs to people I'd actively cross the street to avoid. But unless you have proof that they represent a clear danger to your child then there's nothing you can do.

If you limit contact between your DD and her father because you have not had the opportunity to vet his girlfriend then, if it came to court, it could make you look like you are being petty and no judge will back you up on it. Again, sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I don't see any point in lying to you.

Regarding your ex's behaviour towards you then that is something I think you should speak to Women's Aid and/or Rights of Women about. It sounds like your local police are being more than a bit rubbish but Women's Aid and Rights of Women can both help you to get more protected from your ex's threats.

It sounds like his mother can't be trusted to tell you the truth. Is there someone else you could use to act as a go-between?

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:43:07

no because hes whole family has lied to me about it aswel and im not gonna have peace of mind and i have already spoke to womens aid and that all they did is saw a solicitor with me that is all

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:45:41

What do you fear is happening that puts your DD at risk?

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 13:49:07

I could be wrong but I think part of the point of getting a solicitor involved is to create a paper trail. It's difficult to get an injunction against someone by just going to court and saying he's a cock. He'll just say "Sorry, didn't realise, I'll be much nicer from now on" and the judge will likely believe it.

If, however, there's a paper trail of your solicitor repeatedly telling him to leave you alone and you then still getting harassed by him then that is different. That will give you the evidence you need to show in court that not only is he a cock, he's a repeat-offender cock. You'll then be much more likely to get an injunction against him.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:50:01

her relationship with her dad and harm im sorry but im not gonna have any peace of mind because i dont know if she will pose or cause any harm to my dd

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 13:57:51

Unfortunately, DDs relationship with her dad is not your responsibility.
Why do you think his new girlfriend poses a risk and what risk is it?

teetering13 Thu 11-Jul-13 14:03:23

I think you're jealous of the gf but I can't work out why because the ex sounds fuckin hideous

I think you give the ex too much control, he should never have met your bf ... because of you letting that happen you now think you have a right to have a say about his gf, but he's not letting you ... he sounds controlling and he's running rings round you, and unfortunately because you still have feelings for it, you're letting it happen ...

teenagetantrums Thu 11-Jul-13 14:03:26

To be honest you just sound jealous that your ex loves someone else i think you are in danger of using your daughter to get back at him, she wont thank you for that as she gets older. If you really think your daughter is in danger stop access and tell the courts why. If you think her dad cant look after her why are you letting her go???

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:06:51

because his mum promised me of it but forget it i give up on this now as no1 is understand me i only love him because he is my dds dad and ive got no choice and i had no choice but to let my ex meet my bf at the time because he was texting my bf and telling him and kicking off at me! for no reason. but no1 is understanding.

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 14:10:46

So let's say you meet her. She comes across as the reincarnation of Mary Poppins and gushes about how fantastic your daughter is and how much she loves spending time with kids. Will that give you peace of mind, or will it just lead you to start worrying about them playing happy families with your daughter and you being pushed out?

Or let's say you meet her and you and she's the reincarnation of Waynetta Slob and you and her rub each other up the wrong way. What then? Are you going to stop your daughter from seeing her father just because you don't approve of his girlfriend?

Or let's say you meet her and she seems alright but she's clearly nervous and a bit spiky about being forced into meeting her boyfriend's ex. Will that really put your mind at rest, or will you be worrying about how she might have just been putting on a front and, in secret, she might feed your daughter cat food?

Meeting her won't improve the situation. And, quite honestly, from what you've said of your ex he will either just ignore any requests from you to meet her or he'll insist on coming along as well and then do his utmost to cause an enormous argument between all three of you. That won't help matters.

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Jul-13 14:12:31

Right. You cannot dictate who your daughter spends time with when on contact time with her father. You just can't. You say you don't know if she poses a risk of harm to your daughter, well the same could be said of anyone and you have to assume she does not. Otherwise you could drive yourself mad wondering whether every adult your daughter encounters poses a risk of harm.

On the other hand if there is an actual risk of harm from your ex's behaviour towards you or her then you need legal advice. But you can't curtail contact just because you don't like the fact she will meet people you haven't vetted.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:12:46

but thank you every one for making me feel like i should have no concern on my dd and her life or her safety but if you knew what i had went through you would understand but im stressed and im depressed due to this i would of been fine with it but no1 let me know he was meeting her but more of my concern is that he aint caring for my dd as much as he is for his gf and im scared he is gonna let happen to my dd what had happened to me

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Jul-13 14:16:25

You're really not listening to anyone op.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Jul-13 14:19:24

What I am understanding is that you and your Ex had a very dysfunctional relationship when you were together and still do now that you are apart. You do not have to love someone just because you made a child together.

You say that his family have lied to you about the girlfriend. They probably thought that you would disrupt contact if they told you. And they were right!

You have no right to meet the girlfriend.
You have no right to withhold or limit your DD's contact with her father.

The best thing you could do for yourself and your DD is to get some counseling to help you get over this relationship and establish very strict boundaries regarding communication with him in the future. Limit it to collection/drop off details and nothing more. Stay out of his life and keep him out of yours as much as you can, but don't allow your feelings to impact DD's relationship with her dad.

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 14:21:04

but thank you every one for making me feel like i should have no concern on my dd and her life or her safety

No-one here has said that. No-one has even hinted at that.

If you want to stop contact because your ex is an aggressive wanker then do it. The man sounds like an arse. He might bother to take you to court, he might not. He'll probably get the court to agree that contact should be reinstated but that all depends.

If you want to stop using his mother as the go-between because you can't trust her then fine, do it. She's had her chance and she's blown it.

If you want to limit/stop contact between your daughter and her dather just because you haven't met his girlfriend then that makes you sound like you're being unreasonable. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:21:34

but forget it im going to see a solicitor about it as ive just had a phone call and all i want is for him to TAKE HIS RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS DD!!!

lilworthy Thu 11-Jul-13 14:24:55

tbh i dont care anymore because im too fucking stressed but yea you lot have just maded me feel as what he does and still does but fuck it i wont have any concern on my dd

Snorbs Thu 11-Jul-13 14:26:32

OK lilworthy. I hope you manage to find some kind of peace.

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