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Moving DC away from their father

(16 Posts)
NoraLuca Tue 09-Jul-13 10:49:47

I nearly posted in AIBU but not brave enough.

I left H in february because he was controlling and used to get quite scarily angry when things didn't go his way. There were no good times anymore, just terrible times and less terrible times. I now live 10 minutes away from him and we share care of our two primary school aged DDs - I left our flat and all furniture so that he wouldn't have to buy anything, and so that he couldn't say that all I care about is money. He does say that, and it isn't true.

Now, I have been offered the possibility of a new, better job on the other side of the country - we are not in UK and this means about a 6 hour drive. Can't go into too much detail but new job would be with ex-colleagues, and would be a far better opportunity than anything I could get on the strength of my CV. New job wouldn't start until around Jan 2014 and so I have ages to think about it.

My main problem is taking the DDs so far from their father - I don't think I can do it.

But, I hesitate because it's an opportunity that prob won't come up again, a chance to earn more (above min wage at the mo, but way below national average) and as H hasn't had a perm job since 2010 I think it would be good for the DDs to have at least one financially stable parent, especially later if they want to go to college etc.

Has anyone ever faced this kind of situation? WWYD?


HeySoulSister Tue 09-Jul-13 10:52:48

Shared care? Is it through court?

The move sounds it would mainly benefit you and your career, so I'm inclined to say no, not in best interests of your dc

NoraLuca Tue 09-Jul-13 11:04:45

No, shared care is not through court, H doesn't want to go to court and so far it seems to be working OK.

I have spoken to him about potential new job and he hit the roof straightaway, asking who offered me this job and why (erm, because I'm good at my job...H always see ulterior motives behind everything) and told me that if I want to move halfway across the country why don't I just fuck off and my life isn't his problem anymore. He is quite an angry person and it's difficult to discuss things with him.

In fact what I was hoping was that we could all move, because he might have a better chance of finding a perm job in new area.

teetering13 Tue 09-Jul-13 14:27:38

If he's nothing to stay in the area for when you move then it could be a good idea ...

Personally, I'd move anyway .. as heysoul said it will benefit you and your career, that's important

HeySoulSister Tue 09-Jul-13 15:52:09

no...I think the dc having a meaningful relationship with their dad comes before their mothers career.

you aren't in uk so childrens act doesn't apply I assume

HeySoulSister Tue 09-Jul-13 15:52:42

and come on op,he cant be as bad as you say cos you want him to move with you!!

Thumbwitch Tue 09-Jul-13 15:56:51

I think you should spend some time discussing it further with him - but with a view to you going. If it's a good job opportunity and one that you otherwise wouldn't be able to get where you currently are, then you'd be mad to turn it down. Your exH then has a choice - he stays where you are now, with ?no job and a long travel to see his DDs; or he moves to your new location and has a better chance of finding a job, plus he gets to see his DDs as he does now.

Is he particularly resistant to the idea of moving? Why?

teetering13 Tue 09-Jul-13 16:04:31

She wants him to move out of guilt (I'm guessing) ... but really, your career is important and you can't take everything on ... just deal with the kids and your career ... It's really down to him as to how successful his relationship with his kids are

teetering13 Tue 09-Jul-13 16:05:40

*as how how successful his relationship is ... ach ya get me grin

HeySoulSister Tue 09-Jul-13 16:35:49

yeah but they currently have shared if he was a saturdad I could understand,but he sounds very 'involved'

AmbrosiaCreamedMice Tue 09-Jul-13 16:40:36

I assume he's never been scarily angry around the kids, if he had been then you could move without giving it another thought.

NoraLuca Wed 10-Jul-13 11:46:32

Thank you all for responding.

Teetering... I want him to move out of guilt, that's exactly it! I'm not deliberately seeking his company or anything grin

He started being scarily angry around the kids just before I left, in fact that's why I did finally leave. It was never aimed at them but they didn't want to spend time with him anymore, and it took a good few months for them to rebuild their relationship.

Yesterday he was meant to drop the DC at my house, and arrived 20 minutes early, before I'd got home. He therefore called me and left a ranty message on my phone along the lines of 'Fuck you, I'm waiting! Fucking get here now!' This is typical behaviour for him, and that's how he speaks to me a lot of the time and I hate hate hate the DC having to witness it. Shared care was only really going OK because I made sure to limit contact between us to hello and goodbye. He has always wanted contact and I have always tried to facilitate it because he does love them and they him, it's just... I sometimes wish I was the kind of person who could bring themselves to dissapear to Australia or somewhere and never be seen again!

I wish I could discuss it with him properly, just in a hypothetical way for now because potential new job is just that, potential ATM. It seems unfair because when we were together I always supported him when he did a training course, then when he went away for a year for work and left me on my own all week with two preschoolers, a part time job and a course of my own... I had the DC when I was quite young and have worked really hard to have some kind of career (not managed it yet!) and it feels like this job might be my chance and I do think he could be more supportive. Apart from anything else, I never want to be financially dépendent on him.

NoraLuca Wed 10-Jul-13 11:46:48

Gosh that was an essay!

teetering13 Wed 10-Jul-13 12:12:30

It may sound harsh (to any absent dads reading anyway) but you have to do whats best for you and the kids now ... you've split with him, that means you don't consider his feelings anymore ..

So take him out of it ... Talk to the kids about the move and how they'd feel and try base a decision more on how it'll be good/bad for you/them, NOT him.

p.s .. he sounds a nob

I have quite a strong view that if you, as Mum, are happy and settled, then your children will be too. It is almost impossible to get every one happy after a divorce, so look after yourself. Remember no-one else will.

What are the schools and social/family opportunities like for the children?

Butterflyface Thu 11-Jul-13 06:48:37

I''d say move as well - my ex has insisted on 50% shared access (sorry, I can't call him a parent, he lives with his mother still and sends back mouldy lunch boxes and still hasn't learnt to drive). My DH and I had a chance to move away because of his work, and we should have done it while we could, because we're stuck here now, with DH in his old, crappy job, and in a too-small house for us all, just so that he can see his kids. We're suffering in our lives, because of him. Doesn't seem fair to me - so go for it. If he's that fussed about it, he'll move to be with his kids too.

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