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should I stop contact??

(9 Posts)
RogueRebel Wed 03-Jul-13 23:44:33

I have 2 DD's. 2 & 4. They hadn't had any contact with Ex between February 2011 and Octoberish 2012.
They started off with the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month in a contact centre and have progressed to Eow Saturday-Sunday.
My youngest seemed to take it all in her stride while the older has been struggling. Both are very tired when they return on a Sunday and usually the whole of Monday is a writeoff.

They have no beds, I sent them over with a blowup ready bed and it was sent back claiming to be punctured. It had only been used a hand full of times.

Both DC have been sick several times after visits and my oldest has had the most ridiculous flare up of eczema from being given a bath when he was told not too. (she's had it from birth so he did know she needs special bath and creams but when told how bad it was he said it was never that bad, no because I've kept on top of it with time and dedication, ffs) it took nearly 3months to get it under control with creams and drs visits, everytime I seems to get it under control they would have a visit and I'd be back to square one.

DD1 has made comments about playing out front of the house on her scooter and hurting herself while daddy was drinking wine in the house.(I'm teetotal and DC have never witnessed alcohol consumption) she said she knew it was wine because she saw the bottle.

Last visit Ex was asked to drop DC at a children's bday party 5mins walk from his house,(he expressed he didn't want to because my brother might be there and he doesn't like him. He wasn't attending and I promised him this) they arrived 40mins late, very tired, quiet and strangely subdued. They refused to eat and didn't really join in (very out of character both are very noisey and lively)
DD1 was sick all Sunday night, and DD2 has been screaming hysterically for my brother everyday for the last 10days. shes been appeased by phone contact and visits.she has never screamed for anyone like this and its just going on and on.
DD1 mentioned on being told my brother was coming over to see Dc's "what if he dies" and on the 4th day that daddy doesnt like uncle. I shocked at the dying comment where does that come from?!
DD1 has refused to sleep in her own bed since.

DD2 has also been screaming while being dropped at nursery, she normally goes in without a care.

Nursery has noticed a difference in DD1's emotional state after visits as I have but even more so these last 10days.

last Sunday DD1 said she wanted to go back to.the church(contact centre) I explained she woukdnt be able to stay round daddy's if they went back to the church and she was adamant she wanted to go back to.the church instead.

he's obviously saying things to them but when ever I try to talk about things he denys or says things like "its my right I've raised kids before(two from previous marriage 16&14 but has only ever had limited broken contact since youngest was 2, oldest has been living with him for a year now) and if its effecting them so be it.
he was abusive every way but physical until he grabbed me round the neck a week before I left him.

Ive kept a diary of everything that's happened, what the kids have said and when but due to all the legal aid cuts I'm Crapping myself. My plan would be to stop contact, hope he takes me to court and get cafcass involved. DD1 is being referred for counciling.

Sorry its so long but wanted to put as much in as I can.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Wed 03-Jul-13 23:52:40

Oh my god! Hopefully someone with better advice will come along but I definitely think you should stop contact. Do you have a record of his grabbing your neck? If you do, I think it will class as domestic violence and I think that would mean you could still get legal aid. I hope someone with better advice comes along because this sounds like an awful situation for you and your children to be in sad

RogueRebel Thu 04-Jul-13 00:26:17

I have no proof of the physical violence we were abroad at the time and it was back in 2011 just before we split. it was the turning point really, he did it while I had my 2month old baby in my arms and in front of a 2year old.
He's threatened to take the Dc many times and has caused as many problems through the courts when I applied for residency (back when there was legal aid) called SS all sorts, SS wouldn't even come out when I spoke to them they knew he was a twat with malicious intent straight away.

I work part time to get by (he's payed a whopping great £24.98 in maintenance through CSA since 2011) But I'm seriously considering quitting to try and sort the kids out.

he's told me he doesnt want me working, and is continually trying to control me and the dc. he's also asked about us getting back togetherangry .So I don't know if he's doing these things on propose to get what he wants

Butterflywgs Thu 04-Jul-13 00:53:13

Wow. Yes agree with Amy, you should stop contact. sad

geologygirl Thu 04-Jul-13 00:54:25

At the end of the day contact is not for the parent - it needs to be in your dcs interest and benefit. Seems like
he's not really adding anything of value to their lives and its having a detrimental effect on them. You should definitely consider stopping contact in my opinion. Your poor dc.

RogueRebel Fri 05-Jul-13 23:30:45

thanks for all the advice I've spoken to the health visitor today and the term emotional abuse was mentioned I've decided to stop contact counselling is being arranged for both DC. I've just txt to cancel contact tomorrow so now waiting for the backlashsad

Droflove Sat 06-Jul-13 07:30:40

I think you have very good grounds to start the process if nothing else, to get the situation on his side investigated. Can you call social services on him?

Labro Sun 07-Jul-13 13:11:40

Its a horrible situation to be in.
Is contact defined by a contact order?
I'm asking because if it is, by cancelling regardless of the validity of your reasons for doing so, you place yourself in a position of breaching the order and therefore having to have sufficient proof to justify your actions, which sadly potential emotional abuse rates very low in a judges mind against a fathers right to contact.
Your case would be referred for mediation before cafcass get involved, basically because cafcass often don't get involved (in my own case of far more extreme actions from ex the cafcass lady refused to get involved and referred to all things similar to you have mentioned as 'different parenting styles')
Do keep a diary, be prepared to attend mediation and make clear that you are prepared to promote contact, perhaps initially back at the contact centre. Your children are very young so they will not have a voice as such. Its vitally important that no judge can claim you are hostile to contact as he would be awarded more. If possible, reinstate a lesser amount of contact (perhaps daytime only for the immediate future)
You will also be told that at their ages, if they didn't want to go to nursery or school for example, you would still send them. Have a look at the checklist on the cafcass website as to how they assess contact. It may be that contact for your children has moved too quickly, seek advice from your gp and health visitor as a source of support.

RogueRebel Sun 07-Jul-13 22:18:24

thanks for all the comments,

there is no contact order this was arranged through mediation.
I do believe it has all moved far too fast and was against my wishes but I was being threatened with court action if I did not comply.

This weekend would of been his weekend DD1 has been very emotional and has vomited both Friday and Saturday night and has expressed many times over the weekend she is worried and doesn't want to see daddy.
She worried because daddy's told her she has to go.
she doeant want to go but DD2 does and she needs to look after her.

She also said I'm giving her to daddy when she goes. (broke my heart to hear she things I don't want her)

I have full support from nursery, health visitors and I'm sure when it comes to it the child councillor will also agree,

I'm fine with returning to the contact centre and I believe both DD's would rather do that.

I thought contact was for the benefit of the children which is why no matter how much I hate him I have never stopped him seeing the DC.
He seem to be losing interest very fast so there is a high possibility he won't mind not having contact for a few years.

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