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Verbally abusive ex

(11 Posts)
BlitzPig Thu 27-Jun-13 15:27:07

I don't really know where to start.

My son's Dad and I didn't have an easy relationship, but while I was pregnant I talked to him about an affair I'd had with a friends boyfriend before we got together, and everything became a nightmare, he spat in my face, poured a bottle of beer over me, grinding the bottle into my head, demanded I have an abortion and described in detail how he would kill me if he found I had cheated on him (I've never considered it). He calmed down after a couple of weeks, but continued to call me a worthless slut, etc. eventually I said I was going to move home to have the baby, we were abroad, and he left to look for work elsewhere. In spite of everything I thought it would be best for him and my son if he was involved in his life and so he stayed with my family and I for 2 months and was present at the birth.

My son's now 3 months old, and I've stayed with my parents who have been completely wonderful and he's moved across the country to work. He doesn't like to stay here so I've been flying down to stay with his family (who are lovely) so he can spend time with his son. He pays for the flights. We've just come back from 10 days there, and I'm so unhappy. Whenever we were alone together he would shout and tell me how awful I am and how I've ruined his life because I don't want to be with him (I can't bear my son growing up thinking our relationship is a good model) - he wants to move to New Zealand and for me to come with him. I said I would but that I wouldn't live with him and that I would give it a year and if I couldn't be happy there I would leave - I don't even want to go but it seems unfair to take his son away. If he doesn't I made plans to move to a town where I have friends, and I have the means to buy a little house and set up as a childminder to support us (son and me) He keeps bringing up this (awful, I know awful) mistake I made 3 years ago, and tells me I ruined everything by going to stay with my family, that my decision making skills are terrible, that I'm a stupid little b*tch, that I'm a selfish c***... In the car to the airport he shouted the whole 2 hours and I couldn't get away. He says he'll make sure my son knows the truth about me and he'll hate me.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to use my child as a way to hurt him, but it doesn't seem right that I have to face this, even though I know I deserve some of it and I know he's angry because he can't spend enough time with his son. I also am worried if I don't do these visits he'll insist he has him for longer periods and I'll have to stop breastfeeding, which I know seems like a stupid thing to worry about, and also that he'll spend all his time telling our son how worthless I am.

Less importantly he says he can't afford to give us any money, and say that as I have savings and am staying with my parents we don't need anything. He's very unhappy because he says he's skint, but in the past 3 months I know he's spent over 1500 on a holiday and hundreds more on fishing gear, plus plenty on beer and cigarettes. I really want to keep away from courts for our sons sake, but my savings are (slowly) depleting and it doesn't seem fair. I had to put £30 petrol in his car yesterday to get to the airport as he didn't have enough money.

I also feel pathetic. I'm an intelligent, educated woman from a wonderfully supportive family. How did I get everything so wrong?

Thank you for your time.

BabsAndTheRu Thu 27-Jun-13 15:35:29

Get to a solicitor now and don't even think about moving to New Zealand with this nutter. He sounds a very dangerous man. I also would never want my child round a person like this. You have to protect your son from thinking this behaviour is normal or from being treated badly by his dad. You did nothing wrong, this man is a bully and violent. Get him out your life and your sons life now.

kittycat68 Thu 27-Jun-13 18:09:38

why on earth would you follow him abroad if what you say is correct. If he wants to go let him you dont need someone ike that in your life and you will be setting a bad example for your child to follow if you go with him. You dont need his money things will work out fine. why did you even have a child with a man like this in the first place whenn you new what he was like.

calmingtea Thu 27-Jun-13 19:26:53

You would be insane to go to New Zealand. Truly insane. You will regret every second of it. You might even find yourself unable to leave again.

You need to cut all direct contact, call CSA and get child support organised. He cannot remove a breast fed baby from you for long periods that is insane.

He is utterly crazy getting angry about you sleeping with someone before you even met him. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG (in your relationship with him). It is none of his bees wax. Nothing to do with him. Not a tiny bit. He is nutcase.

I would seriously advise you getting yourself a really nice therapist because this man has really got under your skin and he is not a nice person. Then get yourself a really good lawyer and get advice about contact. If he is indeed screaming and threatening you for hours, you should not be flying down to see him. If it was your sister or a friend flying down to come back with bruises and a black eye what would you say. It is the same. It is abuse. It is bad for you and bad for your child.

calmingtea Thu 27-Jun-13 19:28:48

Kitty unhelpful comment - why did you even have a child with a man like this in the first place whenn you new what he was like totally pointless. I think there are many more ladies here who made mistakes in their choice of father for their children, hindsight is a bitch.

MagicHouse Thu 27-Jun-13 23:11:22

As he's the one who's moved away, he should be making the effort to travel to see your son. Stop flying down to meet this abusive man.
Don't even consider moving to another country - you aren't "taking his son away" if he moves abroad - that would only be the case if you were moving abroad.
I agree with the counselling - you are being far too accommodating. Regular flights to stay with an abusive ex and family because he moved away, with a tiny baby is just not on.

kittycat68 Fri 28-Jun-13 20:03:33

Op google FREEDOM COURSES near you these you may find helpful!!

NicknameTaken Tue 02-Jul-13 10:52:45

Do NOT go to New Zealand! Disastrous idea. You won't stop him being angry and make him be "nice" by letting him have more contact with your son.

In your shoes I'd hope like hell he goes to NZ by himself and stays the hell away from your ds. Having a violent bully in his life isn't the best thing for him.

Frankly, I'd make him come to you and I'd only allow access in a contact centre. If he doesn't go along with it, so much the better.

This man is dangerous to you and your son.

TwoTearsInABucket Tue 02-Jul-13 11:17:30

Without commenting on all the other issues in your relationship with your son's father, I can say that it is very hard emigrating to a country so far away, even with someone who is nice!
I really wouldn't do it if I were you. If you decided to get visas as a couple rather than separately, you would have to demonstrate that you are in a stable relationship. We had to show our marriage certificate and joint bills etc. to show that my DH and I were in a committed marriage.
It is actually not that easy to get a visa to New Zealand.
You will be on your own with him when you get there, and although you have a baby which makes it easier to meet people and make friends, it is still lonely in the first few months as you won't know anyone at all.

The behaviour you have experienced at the hands of this man does not sound like a normal reaction to the story you have told him. Please stay close to your supportive family and let him go to NZ on his own. I agree with previous PPs. Don't go to him for contact, make him come to you, if at all. You don't have to give up breastfeeding, its what's best for your son and that's all that matters. I don't think staying with this man is what's best for your son.

You don't deserve any of the treatment he has dished out to you. You won't be using your son to hurt this man, you will be protecting your son.


BlitzPig Thu 18-Jul-13 19:08:39

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. I've spoken to a lawyer, and am now only in contact with him by email to arrange his contact time with our son, he does come to me for that, and as the distance is great it is necessarily infrequent, and due to breastfeeding, short. As all his communication with me is now recorded (in emails) he can't be very nasty.

I really appreciated your comments, even though it took me a long time to reply. It's sometimes much easier to talk to strangers than friends, and your universal reactions convinced me I should take this seriously.

I've now spoken to my close friends and family about this, partly because if I ever did anything silly like think he would change, they would be able to advise me.

Although I'm sad that this is how things have worked out, overwhelmingly I feel relieved that I don't have to live with the constant put downs any more, and that I can raise my son without that kind of behaviour.

betterthanever Fri 19-Jul-13 14:33:49

Good for you blitz and thank you for the update I love hearing good news.

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