CSA.. Shall I keep money?(31 Posts)
I am prepared for abuse so fire away!!!...
Little back ground... My ds is little over a year & was the surprise but happy event of a casual type fling. (Neighbors & friends 1st turned into a sex thing no talk of long term) anyway the Dad wanted me to terminate & I didn't/couldn't do that so chose to go ahead with pregnancy knowing I was going to be a LP (although secretly hoping he would come round to it)!
He didn't!!! Fast forward a few months.. Ds was 8 months, we had both been ignored by his dad. I had payed for & done it all by myself... Tired, emotionally drained & badgered by friends made a claim for CSA... He only then contacted me to have a go about that, made us going through DNA testing & refused to cooperate with them resulting in it being deducted from his wages!! Last month the 1st payment due but CSA said he hadn't earned enough for a deduction I assumed his boss (his mate too) was doing something dodgy & that annoyed me so I cancelled the claim figuring if he could go to these lengths then I don't want his money!!!
Anyway payment has gone in my bank today (£200 + & as I've cancelled will be a one off) so do I draw it out & give it back to him??!! My principles is saying do it (although I am by no means well off), ds wasn't planned, I was on contraceptive injection but I chose not to terminate so should he have to pay... I just don't know really, taking his money has never completely sat right!! But obviously he is going to be angry because I should have stuck to that & never made a claim anyway... We are not on good terms that I could explain all that!! I feel like an evil cow!!! I wish he didn't hate me & reject my ds like this!!
I would look at it this way. When your son grows up and asks about his dad's involvement in his life wouldn't it be better to be able to say something like "Sadly for his own reasons he wasn't able to have a physical presence in your life, but he paid £xxx each month towards your upkeep" Obviously the child will be raised to know that cash is no replacement for love and presence of a parent, but at least it's something to link the two of them and some sign of acceptance of his son's existence and his responsibility toward him.
Also, I second the poster who said about sending photographs of his development etc. too. and keep a note of it. Maybe do it on email? You'll be able to read up on it somewhere but most children who are estranged from a parent will go through a faze of blaming the present parent and if you can show what you did to encourage the relationship that will help you at that stage.
If your eally struggle with having the money each month, put it in an account for university or something. £200 a month for 18 years is £43k...
XP pays a pretty large amount every month but luckily we haven't dealt with him in almost 4yrs. We ignore each other if we pass in the street.
And they get way more expensive as they get older. That tin of beans that lasted for 3 small lunches, it's all gone in one meal, same for bread, cereal and milk. The school shoes and trainers they need at school age, the activities etc.
Definitely keep it. Save it for swimming lessons or something in the future if you don't feel comfortable spending it now. And reopen the claim!
I think you should continue to make a claim against him as well as keeping the £200!
Whatever the feelings of the father about an unplanned pregnancy, he's still half responsible for the outcome of a child being created because we all know that contraception is not 100% effective.
keep the money, reopen the claim..Speaking to you and about your child like dirt does not mean he is not responsible....Your mum can spend the money on spoiling her grandchild...It us up to him to support the baby...
Keep it and put it into an account for DS if you don't need it for day to day funds for him.
Your ex sounds horrible but remember he can walk back into your son's life at any time, regardless of what he says now.
Your mum shouldn't be paying what a father should. It isn't fair on her no matter how happy she is to do so.
Agree that it is better to be able to say "he may not have seen you or bought you up, but here is all of the money he sent that I kept for your birthday!" - Your son will at least have one birthday present from both parents, even if it was your thoughtfulness that made it so.
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