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Exs dysfunctional relationship with his parents - is anybody else fed up with being stuck in the middle?

(3 Posts)
Concreteblonde Mon 27-May-13 22:28:17

Ex has a dysfunctional relationship with both of his divorced parents. Long periods of estrangement with them at different times. There marriage was violent and both had affairs. Despite a very respectable facade of professional middle class, Exs upbringing was, IMO, neglectful and emotionally abusive.
His mother is particularly toxic and I have nothing to do with her. Her contact with my children is loosely monitored by court welfare (Kids have expressed a wish not to be left alone with her etc)

The main problem I have is with ex FIL and Step MIL. They've never had a close relationship with the children although I have no concerns about their behaviour towards them. We live quite a distance away and since the separation over 2 years ago they have visited the children once despite making numerous provisonal plans and promises to the children about visits.
My ex has been abusive to myself and the children - they are aware of this, aware of court proceedings etc and have always maintained a 'dignified' silence, even when Ex was cautioned for assault. Step MIL admitted that they were scared if they said anything to ex he would stop them from seeing the children (He threatens this regularly) She also witnessed his earlier threats to carry out a murder/suicide bid on us all. (FILs silence I think is based on his own actions during his marriage)

About 6 months ago, I had had enough of MILS superficial emails and vague promises of visits. I was being put through hell by their son and OW with courts, police and SS. I had enough of being 'used' by them as a back up option if they fell out with ex so I told her that I would prefer if they directed all communication about contact with the children through Ex.

She was very unhappy (understatement) She has DDs phone number - she could have called her at any time. But she didn't. And we heard nothing for 6 months. They sent a birthday card for DD to Exs address but have not visited them.

Today DD has received a card in the post from step MIL. Nothing unusual, talking about the weather but telling her to ask mummy for Grandmas email address so that she can get in touch.
DDs reaction is to read it, chuck it on the side and switch on CBBC hmm The children never ask about their grand parents.

It is fairly obvious that they have now fallen out with ex again - the fall outs and estrangements can last for a couple of years on previous history.

It just frustrates me SO much that I now feel as if 'I' need to be the one to fix this. And I don't even want to. I want to protect my children from all of their issues and toxicity. These people don't even LIKE each other.
My kids are part of a large, loving close family network here. IMO they don't need a link with a family who are so destructive to each other and I certainly don't want to be caught in the crossfire. Surely it's up to them to make contact with Ex work so that they have some sort of relationship angry

SeaweedAndSandDunes Tue 28-May-13 00:08:17

It sounds like your children will benefit from not having contact. It is for your ex to arrange during his time if his family want to see the DC, definitely don't feel obliged to sort out any in laws lack of contact and effort, it's their responsibility.

I would do nothing, especially as the children don't seem bothered by not seeing their grandparents.

calmingtea Tue 28-May-13 09:03:04

You are totally within your right to do whatever you feel is best for your own children. You have put down boundaries with your sMIL and she is just pushing and pushing to see how far she can get. You do not need to fix this. Stop feeling guilty! Just keep reminding her that she should direct contact through your ex.

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