i know what's going to happen here.

(41 Posts)
Booyhoo Fri 24-May-13 23:47:45

dcs are at their dad's. ds1 has his first football match tomorrow. i told exp by text (he doesn't answer my calls and we only interact by text) last week that the match was on and what time. i also reminded him yesterday. ds has got his new strip, his new gumshield and his boots all packed with him. ds phoned me 20 minutes ago to say goodnight! they are 3 and 7 years old and they will need to be up at 8am to get ds to the club on time for the bus to the match. exp knows all this. he didn't take them to training the last weekend he had them and it was later in the morning. i just know they'll all sleep in tomorrow and ds will miss his match. i told ds on the phone that he really needed to get to bed so he wouldn't be exhausted for football. he said he told his dad that already. so i told him just to take himself to bed and get some sleep.

i just know what's going to happen. and if by some miracle they do get up on time ds will be exhausted for the match. it's not big or important- he is only 7- but he is so excited about it as it's his first one. he will be gutted if he doesn't get to it.

Booyhoo Sun 26-May-13 11:18:11

thanks for all comments.
tbh i have no clue what is the best thing to do here but i just know it's not fair on my dcs to only be getting to their club EOW. not when their attendance is a deciding factor on whether they even get picked for the team on match days which is all ds wants to do- play matches. of course i know that going to football is not a big important thing in the grand scheme and certainly not worth losing contact with his dad over, and if his dad had valid reasons for him not to go or concerns over the coaches then we'd find something else that was happening on the times he's with me so he wouldn't be missing out. (bit tricky with football for children as it is usually on weekends) but his dad has only yesterday raised a concern about 'people he doesn't know' and tbh i dont believe that was why he didn't take him. ds has been going on and off for two years and he also goes to beavers which involves going away, even overnight with his scout group. exp knows all this and hasn't once come along to meet any of the coaches or leaders or expressed any concern.

i really dont want to dictate to exp how he should spend his weekends with our dc, but i dont think it's unreasonable for our dcs to attend 1 weekend activity that lasts for an hour on training days and a few hours on match days and exp doesn't even have to stay with them. my dcs want to go to this, i would far rather have lazy lie-ins aswell but my dcs deserve to have hobbies aswell and it's only 1/2 hours. i dont think it's a big sacrifice and as i said, i have offered exp 50/50 care so if it's losing the time with them that is the problem then he can have more contact no problem. until now he has refused this.

so to update; i texted exp and said that as he was unable to make sure they get to football then i would take them and he could collect them afterwards. he hasn't replied to that but did say that from now on he would have them on wednesdays overnight, which happens to be ds's midweek training night so i told exp this and asked if he would be taking him to training and he hasn't replied. so i dont know what is going to happen yet. i'm happy to change the night for him if he doesn't want to take him to training. but i guess i'll just have to wait and see what he says.

acceptableinthe80s Sun 26-May-13 10:19:45

will a child really be less damaged by having reduced contact

Yes, if the nrp is constantly letting them down, i'd imagine they would 'be less damaged'.

It might 'just be a football match' to you and me but to a child it's probably a whole lot more important especially the social aspect of it and not being able to join in the chat about it at school with his friends. And taking physical exercise/getting enough sleep are both essential for good health.

A parent that constantly puts their own needs before their child's is a crap parent imo.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 26-May-13 10:03:16

Going to school is not a legal requirement actually, education is.

However I think a parent who repeatedly puts their own needs before their child should be held accountable.

The OP's child will be repeatedly disappointed by his father, I think she should be able to act to prevent this.

As far as I can see she is trying to change contact to enable her son to take part his activity not prevent it. To call it an abuse of power is ridiculous and emotive. It's the action of a good parent IMO.

Dad doesn't get to keep getting his own way just because he's the Dad.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 26-May-13 10:02:09

Mum's way? What getting your child to an activity they really enjoy and not letting them down is 'mum's way'? No it's being a responsible parent.

So in my DSS case, his RP (Mum) was being irresponsible by not taking DSS to an activity he enjoyed and she had agreed to.
Could DP have overturned the Residence Order on that basis?

The implication in this thread is that contact is for the benefit of the NRP. Its not. Will a child really be less damaged by having reduced contact with a parent than by missing a football club now and again?

Dadthelion Sun 26-May-13 09:55:33

Going to school is a legal requirement.

Football isn't.

I don't think you should stop or restrict contact unless the children are at risk.

Late nights and extra curricular activities are IMO not serious enough to withhold contact.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 26-May-13 09:43:32

Well my ex didn't even bother to take dd to school when he had her for overnights, so I was kind of forced into restricting contact and overnights because of this. I don't think that was an abuse of power at all.

Tbh I don't agree that it would be in this case either. This is an important activity to his ds and ex just couldn't be arsed. That's not a parenting choice, that's him putting his own needs and priorities before his child and I think we would all agree that is unacceptable. The OP must do what she needs to to ensure the happiness of her child.

Dadthelion Sun 26-May-13 09:32:51

Although the father should take him to the activities.

It's still up to him what he does with his children when he has them.

Threatening to stop contact or overnights until your ex parents as you want them to is an abuse of power.

Like it or not when you separate you lose the control, I parent differently to my ex, differently not incorrectly.

I'm going to suggest that the ex has always been like this, so expecting him to change after separation is a bit unrealistic.

'Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'

Albert Einstein

acceptableinthe80s Sun 26-May-13 09:32:28

Mum's way? What getting your child to an activity they really enjoy and not letting them down is 'mum's way'? No it's being a responsible parent.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 26-May-13 09:27:56

Yes it isn't about taking a controlling attitude...it's giving him back the control, so if he wants to behave properly and be a good parent, he is free to

Being a good parent or doing things Mum's way?

OrlaKiely Sun 26-May-13 09:24:12

Yes it isn't about taking a controlling attitude...it's giving him back the control, so if he wants to behave properly and be a good parent, he is free to - but if he continues to act like a wanker, he isn't.

just be straight with him - you didn't take ds to football, so you can't have him when it's football.
You let him stay up too late so he isn't going to stay with you overnight.
Don't enable anything rubbish.

If he apologises and says he will put them to bed, he will take them to their clubs - then he gets contact again.

acceptableinthe80s Sun 26-May-13 09:21:39

I don't think it's the missing football that's the only issue here Dadthelion.
He's keeping very young children up very late at night, they're missing activities which no doubt the OP has paid for because he can't be arsed getting out of bed and he's having friends round on his contact days instead of doing stuff with his kids hmm.
I'd be stopping overnight contact until he learns how to be a responsible parent.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 26-May-13 09:19:05

DSS mum was like this.

Agreed with DP that she would take DSS to the club he wanted to go to when he wasn't here then came up with 101 different excuses; forgot, had dinner late, didn't like the language used, DSS was ill etc etc.

DP gave up in the end and the coach agreed to accommodate DSS every other week - not ideal, but better than nothing.

OrlaKiely Sun 26-May-13 09:01:48

She could try it - I don't mean a huge confrontation, I just mean, explain that she doesn't think he is trying very hard and maybe they should give it a miss.

See how he responds. If he steps up a bit then fine - but at present it sounds like he is doing it very unwillingly, and using the idea that he 'has' to look after his child as an excuse to do it poorly.

Therefore if she gives him a get out clause, it puts the ball into his court. He cannot say or feel that she is forcing him into it (though of course she isn't anyway, but he seems to be ducking responsibility big time) so it will either make him try harder if he truly wants to be involved with his son, or it will give him a way out if he doesn't actually give a shit.

Stepping back and being assertive can actually give the other person who is taking you for a ride, the kick up the arse they need to think - hey - this is my son, do I really want to see him, yes I do, so I'm going to take responsibility'

Dadthelion Sun 26-May-13 08:40:38

The OP should stop contact because his Dad doesn't take him to football?

OrlaKiely Sun 26-May-13 08:32:44

He's a tosser, he's not a parent.

You could try just stopping contct and see if he bothers to chase it up. It sounds like he's just 'blaming; you that he has to do it at all, so he is excusing his behaviour on the grounds that he's under duress iyswim...very common passive aggressive thinking in people who don't really want to be parents.

There I was getting pissed off because ds's father promised he would send a card on his birthday, and it arrived the day after.

That's NOTHING compared to this lazy SOAB you're dealing with.

Booyhoo Sat 25-May-13 22:56:49

oh and when ds was on the phone earlier today he said that dad was taking them fishing (i thought to make-up for missing football maybe?) then when he phoned this evening i asked if he caught anything and he said they didn't go because some of dad's friends arrived. hmm

Booyhoo Sat 25-May-13 22:48:29


as i have 'liked' the club's fb page, their updates appear on my newsfeed. they've uploaded a photo of the team at the match today all looking so happy. all ds's friends will be talking about it at school next week. arrgh. i am so fucking angry with him. angry

Raaraathenoisybaby Sat 25-May-13 22:16:45

Unbelievable. I am v angry on your behalf. Change the contact - it's in your ds best interests.

Booyhoo Sat 25-May-13 13:37:50

yes of course. you are so right. and i've actually had the 'keeping secrets' talk with him aswell. i didn't think i'd had to worry about his dad asking him to keep secrets. should have expected it. he will do anything to save his own skin. i mean did he think i wouldn't find out? half of ds's class are in the team and there are official photos on the club's fb page of them at the match.

PurpleThing Sat 25-May-13 13:32:46

Exactly, his sudden concern is just an excuse.

It`s not just not nice but actually dangerous to get him to keep secrets from you. The way to keep him safe when with strangers is to make sure he knows never to keep things from you, especially if someone is telling him to.

Booyhoo Sat 25-May-13 13:03:53

no this is the first time ive heard of any objections to football coaches or anyone! ds goes off with the scouts and exp has never ever met them but no concerns mentioned there (im guessing because exp wasn't having to get up out of bed to drop him off for the trips)

i told ds on the phone that it's ok i wasn't angry with him at all and that it wasn't his fault that he missed football and i loved him. but i did say please dont lie. i will of course talk with him later on about that. it is so wrong to ask a child to lie to their parent. my mum used to ask me to lie to my dad about stuff-usually how much she had spent on things. i hated it and being an appalling liar i used to have panics about what questions he would ask. not nice at all to do that to a child.

PurpleThing Sat 25-May-13 12:57:31

Some people really don`t give a shit about anyone else. If he can`t be bothered to put them to bed eow, I`d bet he just couldn`t be bothered to get up and get somewhere on time.

He hasn`t raised any objections about ds going off with these strangers if YOU take him?

I`d be very pissed off about ds being told to lie to me. Make sure you talk to ds about that, never to keep secrets from you etc etc.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sat 25-May-13 12:52:26

Good points well made OP.

Booyhoo Sat 25-May-13 12:38:09

well i have replied that i know them, they are his teachers etc and also pointed out that i raised no objections to him letting DS have a sleepover at his fiancee's parents' house without exp there as i trusted that he knew them and deemed them to be safe.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Sat 25-May-13 12:31:49

He also could have, at any point, taken the time and effort to get to know these 'strangers'.

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