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running to his tune

(23 Posts)
keelyboo Mon 20-May-13 20:28:02

so today ex told me he only wants kids every other weekend as planned no extra days in the holidays
i said fine (cant force him) and then he said but you cant stop me having them odd days for days out when he wants

he actually expects me to sit around all summer hols dropping what we are doing if he decides him and his gf want the girls that day, i have told him no and we need to (if possible\) set up contact during the hols that suits the girls and means we both get plenty of fun in the sun with them because he cant just pick and choose if he sees them

what can we do? he wont talk to me face to face its all through text (saved the texts saying he doesnt want them any extra days) so im not sure medation is going to be any good?

i dont want to go down the court route but if he suddenly rings says i want them tomorrow can i say no if we have plans will it go against me if it goes to court, i have offered several different options during the holidays block weeks, extra days added to the weekends he has them or extra days mid week and none are good enough he just wants to choose closer to the time with no notice and im expected to give in i dont know where i stand on this, until now holidays hes always had them extra days tagged onto the weekends he has them (eow) and said no to block weeks

keelyboo Mon 20-May-13 20:29:48

i dont want to be seen as blocking contact to him infact i dont want to block contact but im feeling hemmed in by what he thinks is right, equally i shouldnt be expected to run our life to his sudden whims...surely? or should i suck it up and think well cancel our plans cos hey least they see their dad

PurpleThing Mon 20-May-13 21:01:25

I don't know for sure but I would say keep all the evidence of what you have offered. Text him now that over the summer you want any extra days to be agreed a week (or whatever you think reasonable) in advance.

If he does text at 9am wanting them that day, just say you have plans sorry, what about x day. Ie to show you are not blocking contact per say but your children have a right to have fun days with you and to know what they are doing.

Some mediations services will see you on your own so you can check that what you are offering is reasonable. They can also do shuttle mediation (I think that is what it is called) where you sit in different rooms and the mediator moves between you. Good to offer to go to it as again it shows you are trying to get things sorted, not just saying "stuff off" to him.

betterthanever Mon 20-May-13 21:02:29

Is there a court order in place at the moment?

Concreteblonde Mon 20-May-13 22:30:19

Write or email him outlining the reasons why his 'proposal' is unworkable. Focus on the children needing stability and them being able to enjoy quality time without plans constantly being disrupted by his demands.

Make some suggestions about what is workable for you and the kids - the children will be torn if he decides he wants to see them and they have for example a sporting event or birthday party to go to that day. Suggest perhaps a fixed day each week, or at least 2 weeks notice for the day that he wants.

Show that you are not blocking contact but give him the message that you are not some unpaid babysitter who is going to have the children presented to him washed and dressed at his whim hmm

Theydeserve Mon 20-May-13 22:33:36

Are we married to the same person.

It is about him still having control over your life. MY Ex does it, eg Monday he phoned to say he wanted DCS this weekend - fine, it was oyur weekend anyway, he then lets slip that arrangements had changed for the weekend and he could now have them - not told me he was not having them before anyway!

Today - I will have them on Tuesday over half term - thanks - screws my chances of going away then. Phones 2 hrs later when he ahs got home - not convenient, he wants then Monday instead and the Sunday after....

He is still controlling my life- just like yours is to you

kittycat68 Tue 21-May-13 09:32:56

if you allow this kind of controll they will carry on doing it!!!!

Offer contact in written form. Its your proof that you have offered reasonable contact. Its up to them to write back and negoitate if it dosent suit.

Theydeserve, if you want to go away just do it! stand up for yourself.
If contact interfers with your planns dont change them. If you are not busy and he wants the children bonus it will give you a day off!!

lostdad Tue 21-May-13 12:56:00

Simple rules:

Ask him to give you a reasonable amount of notice because if he doesn't it means you can't make any plans for your DC. It means you can't book days out, events, holidays, whatever.

Ask him what his proposals are for contact. Put them all on a year planner, send it to him and ask if he agrees and if not to amend it and send it back.

That's it. Document everything in case he decides he wants to take you to court.

Don't be black and white - be flexible, open to suggestions, etc. so long as you are acting in the best interests of your DC (using them to show you're in control or proving a point is not the way to go - because chances are he'll try to do the same thing).

It's hard when an ex won't talk to you. I'm in the same boat (and that meant a 5 year, 15 hearing case! grin)

kittycat68 Tue 21-May-13 15:44:41

its not about you lost dad,

Concreteblonde Tue 21-May-13 15:56:24

It's always about Lostdad when it comes to whipping errant mothers into shape. Menz rules wink

keelyboo Tue 21-May-13 15:58:52

thank you some really sound advice, im really hoping we can resolve this out of court but i think i have done the right thing in standing up and saying no to him just flitting in and out as he pleases, i dont mind sudden requests for them to go now and again but he cant control the entire summer hols like that its not fair on anyone least of all the children especially as if i say no because we are busy he will turn it round on me when he nexts sees them.

Theydeserve Tue 21-May-13 19:42:28

lost dad - as far as I am concerned he is quite capable of looking on the school website to find term dates - I am not his gopher anymore.

any notice I give him would be considered not enough but then him changing contact arrangements so he only saw his DCS for 11 hrs in one month - completely fucked me, because I am his free childcare, he knows I am not going to just leave - ergo he has the upper hand.

I told him I was off for the whole of The Easter holidays and then told him we were going away - drama, histrionics and accusations of child abduction.

A planner give me a fucking break, the only days I can guarantee he wants DCs are their birthdays and Xmas!

SnoopyLovesYou Wed 22-May-13 01:04:37

Haha TheyDeserve that's the thing isn't it? Birthdays & Christmas!

kittycat68 Wed 22-May-13 08:55:06

Its totally amzaing how many NRP call the abduction card when you are taking your kids on holiday for a week in this country !!!

I wonder if lost dad acyually gets paid by FNF (even though it a charitygrin) for being on here having a pop at mothers. Hes clearly got unresolved issues and un able to move on.


lostdad Wed 22-May-13 09:43:13

Theydeserve - `as far as I am concerned he is quite capable of looking on the school website to find term dates - I am not his gopher anymore.'

Definitely - I agree entirely. I'm helping a mum at the moment in a similar situation as this and I've helped her point out this very fact to him. In a friendly manner that is. wink He complains that she's not involving him whilst not exercising his right as an independent and equal parent.

He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk in short.

And I also agree it's hard. I've got some of the same problems as you - such as the communication issue. Point though is that the situation will never improve while at least one of you (in this case...him) is being plain awkward.

Hope for the best and plan for the worst. If you can get out of this hole, it's worth doing almost anything to do so.

lostdad Wed 22-May-13 09:45:13

kittycat68 - next time I am on the Tube I'll know it's you when I see you wedged between the train and the platform when you steadfastly refuse to `Mind the gap'. wink

fuzzywuzzy Wed 22-May-13 09:58:50

Email him to confirm contact.

Dear Twat,

I am writing to confirm current contact arrangements.

To clarify your current position, you informed me on xx/xx/xx, that you will not have extended contact with the children during the summer holidays, however you will continue with fortnightly contact, picking the children up at xx am on Saturday and returning them on xxpm on Sunday every other weekend.

You also wish me to make the hcidlren available for ad hoc contact times as and when is suitable for you.

As you are aware the children will have activities planned for their summer holidays. We will of course endeavour to tailor these around your ad hoc contact needs which of course will require twenty four hours written notice from you so we can make the necessary adjustments.


He's a moron, dont engage, but get everything in writing.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 22-May-13 10:00:48

I spent years bending over backwards to accomodate ex, I wish I hadnt.

Be extremely polite and reasonable, if he wants to throw a spanner in the works accomodate it, but he has to give you adequate notice to his changes. Otherwise you cant reaosnably be expected to do it.

kittycat68 Wed 22-May-13 10:20:51

lost dad: your comment says it all "its about parents excersing thier rights".

lostdad Wed 22-May-13 11:13:42

Exercising his right to be able to discuss his child with a doctor, school, etc. It is a statutory right under the 1989 Children Act.

I also meant it somewhat ironically in that the people who bang on about their `rights' tend to be the same ones who play the victim without bothering to get off their backsides.

cestlavielife Wed 22-May-13 11:48:19

lost dad suggested op send a planner with contact dates, your holidays planned and booked etc- there is nothing strange about that or woman bashing? he was bashing awkward exes of either sex... lostdad was talking sense - dont let ex mess you about, put forward your plans and stick to pre arranged contact.

if you were planning to go away for half term on basis kids would be with you - then do so and let him know "we will be away from xxx to xxx. kids wil be available on xx and xx. "

cestlavielife Wed 22-May-13 11:50:47

"told him we were going away - drama, histrionics and accusations of child abduction."

his histrionics his problem., ignore. you entitled to holidays .

decide which holidays you taking and let him knwo aroudn thsoe which days girls are free. if he doesnt take them those days you jsut ahve quiet day at home or spur of moment outing. tell him, if he wants to take them out, tell him you need a week notice.

try and do this by email not text as easier to keep track

betterthanever Wed 22-May-13 12:18:27

I also meant it somewhat ironically in that the people who bang on about their `rights' tend to be the same ones who play the victim without bothering to get off their backsides. very, very true ....

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