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Why should I have to sort his effing father's day/ birthday stuff out?

(53 Posts)
RiotsNotDiets Tue 14-May-13 19:04:10

Split with ExH a couple of months ago, he has basically told me that we will still be buying/helping DD to make our birthday presents and mothers/fathers day presents.

I don't want to. When we were together, I always made loads of effort to come up with gift ideas that he would like and want to hold on to.
He always made half arsed efforts on the morning of the day and I'd end up with a straw sellotaped to a bog roll*. It's not really a tradition I want to keep up now that I don't have to.

I'd much rather on mothers day/ my birthday spend it together with DD and help her make me something or maybe asking my mum/sister/close friend to help her and I don't really want to sit there and help DD make him something meaningful when I know he won't bother reciprocating the time and effort I would put in.

I'm not exactly his biggest fan atm anyway, he was already shacked up with a new girlfriend a few weeks into the breakdown of our marriage and he's been putting his social life ahead of DD, planning nights out when he's supposed to have her overnight and turning up 3 hours late, hungover to pick her up. I'll have to tell him, I can't really send her round on his birthday without warning him that she won't have anything for him can I? Any tips on broaching the subject whilst avoiding murdering him confrontation?

*I know it's the thought that counts and of course I appreciate anything from DD.

corlan Tue 14-May-13 19:17:17

Send him a turd in a box (but put a really nice bow on it).

exoticfruits Tue 14-May-13 19:21:05

Just smile, nod and ignore.

PurplePidjin Tue 14-May-13 19:22:42

Fold piece of paper in half. Let dd loose with a crayon. Pack at the bottom of her bag under her shoes and books.

Or, buy the cheapest card you can and write just her name in it.

GreenLeafTea Tue 14-May-13 19:27:01

Surely the plus side to sitting up is not putting up with his bullshit any longer.

Lay ground rules for visits.

I love the folded piece of paper and a crayon idea. Sounds perfect!

GreenLeafTea Tue 14-May-13 19:27:39

Sitting up = splitting up

RiotsNotDiets Tue 14-May-13 19:36:06

<searches for really nice bow>

Green you would think so wouldn't you! He's still playing his mind games. Should I just not bother telling him then? I'm not going to do a half arsed card effort, because I don't really want anything off him on mother's day/ my birthday.

It's quite hard to tell when I'm being reasonable and when I'm not, I wasn't sure if I was being mean not wanting to sort anything out. Guessing not though, from the responses!

chickensaladagain Tue 14-May-13 19:41:12

I know it grates but I've continued to help the dcs get their dad a present -either homemade or bought

It's important to me that they learn to give

Moral high ground and all that

RiotsNotDiets Tue 14-May-13 19:54:20

She would be giving, he'd ask his mum or something to do it after bitching about what a cow I am for not doing it

RiotsNotDiets Tue 14-May-13 19:54:39

woops, someone

PurplePidjin Tue 14-May-13 20:12:16

I'm not going to do a half arsed card effort, because I don't really want anything off him on mother's day/ my birthday.

It's not from him. It's from your dd, with hopefully his support as she's too young.

Sucks though that he gets to go first sad can you ask a friend to take her shopping?

IneedAyoniNickname Tue 14-May-13 20:13:25

See now I'm the opposite. I think its my 'job' for want of a better word to buy ex presents from the dc. He doesn't.
So ay Christmas I bought a (cheap) picture frame, dc painted it, and I put their school photos in it. They also chose a couple of cheap things for him.
I handed it over to him, and he said "well you shouldn't have bothered, my new gf bought me something from them"
Obviously he didn't get me anything. I don't have a bf, as Im too busy looking after our dc to have a relationship, which means I miss out.

I'm aware I sound really grabby, when I'm not actually. But sometimes a bit of consideration wouldn't go amiss!

freemanbatch Tue 14-May-13 20:14:13

this is one of those things that you have to follow your daughter's lead on I think. If she asks for your help to do something then help her do what she wants to do but if she doesn't mention it leave it.

I spent ages making a cake for ex's birthday and helping the kids make him breakfast for when he picked them up on his birthday because the kids asked me too but I never brought the subject up and my auntie helped the kids do things for me on my birthday because I didn't want him involved.

SofiaAmes Tue 14-May-13 20:16:43

Doesn't it make your dd feel good to be able to give her parents presents? I know that my dc's (particularly my dd) love giving presents and I make a point of helping them do that even for people I would prefer not to give presents to or make an effort for.

RiotsNotDiets Tue 14-May-13 20:20:33

Yes, if she asked for help getting/making him something of course I would. But that would be for her sake, not his. She's only 2 so just wouldn't be aware unless someone else brought it up.

I know what you mean YoniNickname but there wouldn't be any consideration if he helped her make something, he'd still do a really half arsed effort.

If I helped her make something for me I'd get to help her make something she was proud of AND get to keep and display it, rather than let him get to keep the beautiful thing she's put a lot of time and effort into and me end up with the last minute unrecognisable object he'd shoved together last minute. Best of both worlds, plus I suspect it would be much more enjoyable for both of us if I actually wanted to be involved in the makin process.

RiotsNotDiets Tue 14-May-13 20:21:56

Sofia I think he would ask someone else to help her make something if i wasn't going to, so she'd still be able to give him something.

Tommy Tue 14-May-13 20:22:56

how old is your DD? If she is too young for nursery or school, she won't know and by the time she's old enough to know, they will do something at school anyway

RiotsNotDiets Tue 14-May-13 20:25:44

Tommy she's 2 and goes to nursery 2 days a week

HerrenaHarridan Tue 14-May-13 21:59:34

Tell the nursery it's her dads birthday, I bet they send her home with a card.

I with you op, my mum thinks I should be sending "pictures" my dd has made to contact with her dad. I do not, she is 16 mo they would be from me not her.

I will not 'help' her make cards for his birthday/ Father's Day.
I do not want him to 'help' her make things for me

At least until she is old enough to ask, then I will, with a fucking smile as everything!

I do 'help' her make cards for her granny/grandad other assorted dads side relatives. I see this as my duty to help her foster ongoing relations with her family and they didn't smash my ficking house up!

PurpleThing Tue 14-May-13 22:24:19

My ex is also a twat and my ds is also two. So lots in common.

Ds wouldn't ask for help as he is not aware of special events but he did LOVE wrapping and giving his dad presents/card he had made. He was also very pleased to give me supermarket tat for mothers day that he got with ex (first mothers day thing I've ever had!)

I feel it is important as ds needs to learn about giving and being thoughtful to other people. Plus he is proud to give something he made. And it shows him that I am supporting his relationship with his dad as long as he wants one despite my own feelings about the man.

I felt that was right for us but that is not to say everyone else should be doing the same.

SofiaAmes Tue 14-May-13 22:39:22

If she's only 2, then I wouldn't waste my time helping her buy/make something. She won't know the difference or remember that she didn't give him a present. My dc's are 10 and 12.....

GreenLeafTea Wed 15-May-13 07:23:33

If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. It's your choice. He doesn't have the right to tell you what to do.

Enjoy making something really nice on your birthday.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 15-May-13 07:26:00

Oh, goodness, just don't do it. She's two! She doesn't know or care. And you don't care what he thinks, right?

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 15-May-13 07:40:59

Now I an one who does help though my DD is 9 so much aware of it all. Partly to be the bigger person and partly so when she is older she will look back and realise I put my feelings aside to help her whilst he just continued in his selfish way. We are getting a card and making fudge for Father's Day.

RooneyMara Wed 15-May-13 07:45:14

Don't give it a second thought until she is old enough to mention that she WANTS to.

my children are 9, 5 and tiny and none of them bothers with my birthday or mothers day. I am FINE with that. I just don't mention it. I'm a grown up and I think presents for grown ups from children have to be either wanted to be given, by the child, I mean the child initiates it, or else just not bothered with.

I think birthdays are mainly for children tbh, till they are old enough to say, Ooh it's my mum's birthday I'll send her something because I want to.

I never tell anyone else it's my birthday either.
So you could say something like that to him, once you have figured out where you stand on the whole subject.

The only times I'veencouraged ds1 to get something for his father, he left it here and didn't remember to take it home for a few months till I forced it on him...same with letters/cards. So we don't bother any more.

I know that ex has a family who will get pissed with him and that's what he cares about...

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