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Will I ever get over him abandoning my child?

(8 Posts)
NinaCarryMe Mon 13-May-13 12:36:51

Hey there, Im new to all this but I need advice please. My daughter is nearly 5 years old and is an angel, shes never given me any real trouble and its been a joy to raise her on my own as best as I could. But my trouble is that I am still living in the past. I wasnt with her dad properly when I got pregnant and as soon as I told him I was pregnant it was obvious he didnt care at all. I got over that quickly and realised I was going to have to do it alone.

But then the crap started on his part, spreading lies and storys about me to mutual friends and people who live close by. Its a small town, everyone knows everyone. As soon as my daughter arrived tho I didnt care about what anyone called me, it was just us 2 against the world. That was all fine and I kept myself together fairly well (apart from the nights I cried myself to sleep or had to leave a place because he or his family were there and I got the rage!). Last year tho the cracks really started to show. I have never gotten over my hatred for that man for abandoning his daughter. I dont care that he left me because I never had proper feelings for him but he abandoned a little bundle of joy and happiness because he was too selfish to man up to his resposibilities.

It also hasnt helped that he lives 5 mins away and I pass him on a regular basis and he just smirks. I feel anger towards that man but I also feel extremely guilty that my daughter hasnt had a dad. I blame myself for not being careful and getting pregnant off a total loser but then if I hadnt been silly and immature I wouldnt have her in my life either.

The child has never wanted for anything and is happy and healthy but I just cannot shift how I feel about what happened. I just feel that its totally unfair that she doesnt have a chance at a ''normal'' family and that Im left with this guilt and anger when I should be happy my daughter has turned out so well and I should be getting on with my life!

If anyone has any advice at all I would really love to hear it. Thanks x

Dervel Mon 13-May-13 16:07:12

No family is "normal", even ones that look like it you merely have to scratch the surface to realise this. Problem is people like to project an image of what things are supposed to look like.

The reason people like to project this normality is when things get rough (and this happens to everyone), we all like to project to the wider world that all is well. In your case the "normal" as you see it cannot be projected, and what's worse there are erroneous assumptions made.

The thing people miss, time and time again is this: Is yours a loving family? It sounds to me the answer is yes, as such you cannot really go wrong. People trap themselves in the projections of the things they want, and not the inner truths.

We have had this fanatical attitude towards this as for countless generations we have told ourselves collectively that if we can project what we wish was true it will make it so. All this flak single mothers get is in part derived from the realisation, that if people really stopped to consider the real question (is this a loving environment?), a lot of "normal" families would collapse like so many houses of cards.

acceptableinthe80s Mon 13-May-13 16:15:12

I don't think you get over it as such, you just learn to live with it. I have a 4yr old ds who's never met his dad. I stopped trying to understand his dads actions probably when he was around 2 and that helped me to move on. Saying that I've never bumped into him.

It must be very difficult having him live so close and I would imagine confusing for you dd as she gets older.
Is moving a possibility?

NinaCarryMe Mon 13-May-13 20:10:51

Thanks for the comments. Unfortunitley no, moving isnt an option at the moment due to money and work, maybe in the future. I thought I had learned to live with it but clealry I have just been hiding it well!

My little family is a loving family so yes that is the main thing, not having ''normal''. Maybe il get over it eventually, its just so frustrating.

Il muddle along and worry about my little woman instead of worrying about the past so much.

Dervel Mon 13-May-13 20:56:23

Sorry re-reading my post, I don't think I got across I empathise in your wishing that your ex was a different sort of man, but you never know what is in the future. It may well turn all turn out maybe not exactly as you imagined, but perhaps in the end even better! Hold on to just a little hope if you can.

russetbella1000 Mon 13-May-13 21:43:19

Please don't feel guilty or angry. You are THE very best person for your daughter. As time goes on the perceived idea of 'normal family' is thankfully getting more and more dilute which in my opinion is a good thing...

All that matters, as Derval said also, is that she is loved... which she is! The whole idea of normal is used to make actually amazing parents think they are not. In fact the fact that you question your ability as a parent is far healthier than some of these smug mummies and maybe daddies who think they are amazing just because they are ticking the social boxes. I always found it weird that my peers were suddenly all getting engaged at the same time rather than just when it was right for them and the same with children. Despite such commitments being the most personal, important of your life I do just think some people can only do something if they think they are part of a bigger crowd-i wonder if some just did it to stay in it. That scares me and ultimately could well be the cause of much unhappiness within so-called 'happy families' who then just explain it away as 'normal'...Within these so-called 'normal families', children bear witness and perhaps such environments are not in fact the healthy ones which they try and project. Personally, there is a lot of role-model issues for both men and women which I feel are negatively reinforced in such situations but that's another discussion...

But you are in control of whether or not you choose to believe it. I am the proudest mum of a beautiful daughter. Her father is not really involved and what I will not be is sad about this. What message would that give to my daughter? The issue is something for him to reconcile. I think it's really important that however subtle, children are not made to feel they should be sad about this or that they lack anything-they do not. That calls for a strong parent who can see that the child is completely separate from the relationship in a way as otherwise we're in danger of imparting our own (understandably subjective feelings onto our children).

In my opinion, it is the humble lone parents who often question themselves the most as to whether or not they are 'good' parents when some couples really ought to be doing such thinking. Are they really exposing their children to loving environments all the time, possibly not. But, because they are a 'traditional 2.4 family' they get away with it....Obviously this is not all families but I think everybody just has a duty to do what is right by their children and try not to compare what they think is 'normal' as quite often this is just cliche tradition but not necessarily good for children.

Women used to be drowned for 'being witches (whatever that meant), glad to say we've moved on slightly but we all have a long way to go with regards how society treats people and what (fairy)stories we tell each other.

Keep smiling and telling yourself, you're doing a brilliant job...!

betterthanever Mon 13-May-13 22:08:21

Nina I echo everything that Dervel has said.
My DS is 8 his `dad' has just turned back up wanting contact and that is causing me all kind of problems. As hard as it was on our own we were a `functioning family unit' which is all that matters. You sound like you have done a wonderful job and as your DD gets older your bond will be stronger. Your ex will have to tell himself all sorts of untruths so he can live with himself - they are his problems not yours. The peace and comfort and security you offer your DD is worth so much.

NinaCarryMe Tue 14-May-13 11:05:27

Thanks everyone, lovely messages! I will def take all advice that you have given me smile x

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