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Pregnant, split up with disgusting father now. Does he get access?

(18 Posts)
ColdHardFloor Sat 11-May-13 09:00:09

Hi Guys, This might be a long one as I've never sought advice on this before and it's been going on for a long time. I met my ex while I was in an alcohol treatment centre nearly 3 years ago. He was 43, very savvy, confident and openly sexual and I was 20, suicidal, messed up, generally on the floor. We started sleeping together anyway and he subsequently lost his job a few months later when it came out. He lost another one for abusing someone else after.

After that what happened was two years of mental abuse, cheating, lying, humiliating me in public etc. He would tell me about 14 year old girls in the park he thought were sexy and wanted to shag, asked if he could have sex with my 17 year old cousin, stare at women on the road until he'd got lost in the car or nearly crashed. It just destroyed me but because of my background I never felt strong enough to leave him, I just hated myself more and more as the weeks went on.

We split up for a few months, but when we got back together I was feeling a lot stronger, happier, I'd had intense therapy and AA work and have no idea why I went back to a man like that. So started another year and a half of sexualising old women, young women, relatives, friends, sister etc. He cheated on me for five months while my mum was sick in the hospital. Tried to arrange to have a threesome with a woman who was on drugs. I found illegal porn on his computer (bestiality), found out he'd slept with a prostitute in the same bed he had me and his daughter in (not my daughter). Was obsessed with schoolgirls, offered to buy my cousin a dildo, he'd let his daughter use his laptop which he watched around 2 hours of porn every single night on. When his other daughter was born he was trying to meet men on the internet for sex, telling his wife he was going out to AA meetings. This was before me.

This man has never given me any reason to think that he's not an out-and-out pervert. I have no idea how I stayed with him for so long when he constantly told me that there was something better and younger around the corner. Some of the things he's said to me would be considered illegal (animals and 14 year olds, incest). We split up when I got pregnant because I couldn't take any more of it, and am now starting to see how much this man destroyed my head and my life.

I don't want him around the baby, or me. My family all want to kill him but I don't know what I can do about this once the child is born. I couldn't trust him with it.

Bakingtins Sat 11-May-13 09:06:56

Does he want access? Sounds like the best outcome would be you go it alone with no input at all from him, but that only works if he's not bothered. If he wants access and you don't want to let him it will end up in court.
It must take a strong person to leave an abusive relationship, I'm sure you and your baby will be ok.

Confuseddd Sat 11-May-13 09:09:23

Well done for telling him where to go. Are you worried about access arrangements? I don't know about those things. Others will help with that if you're worried.

Do you need to talk things through. If you've been exploited and treated badly, maybe ask your GP to refer you for counselling.

Well done for getting away. It's understandable you are angry. Share your feelings here - mumsnetters are very supportive you know!

ColdHardFloor Sat 11-May-13 09:16:28

I assume he will, mind you he's so weird I can't predict him. He uses his other daughter to get attention on facebook and from women, and thinks he's super dad, he's quite obsessed with her and thinks it makes him a better person than other people. He's always treated me like a bit on the side though so maybe he'd be happy if it just disappeared.
I feel better being away from him, just slightly murderous! I'm soo angry but I think it's good for now as it makes it easier to stay away from him. Court worries me though.

LurcioLovesFrankie Sat 11-May-13 09:31:07

OK, first off you don't have to put him on the birth certificate. And (worth checking in legal) as far as I know if you don't ask him for maintenance, I don't think he can force you to have DNA testing done. So I don't think he can force access on you if you don't acknowledge him as the father. But, as I say, check in legal.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sat 11-May-13 19:43:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleThing Sat 11-May-13 21:52:42

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

babyhammock Sat 11-May-13 22:38:55

Does he know you are pregnant?

If I was you and he knew about the baby, I would completely disappear while I had the chance.
If he doesn't know then I would keep it very very quiet.
And yes yes to womansaid x

ColdHardFloor Sun 12-May-13 18:41:36

Aaaahhh, I shouldn't have told him. I feel really stupid now. I've blocked him on Facebook already, my friend told me he's posting crap about me but that doesn't surprise me. Do you think I'll need evidence for this stuff because I don't have that much, I know women's aid from a year or two back when I had a domestic violence thing at my parents home. I must sound really lovely right now!

ChasingStaplers Sun 12-May-13 18:54:21

Block him. Move away. Do whatever you can to get away from this man. He sounds vile and dangerous.
Don't put him on the birth certificate and don't let him find out anything about you/baby etc.

PurpleThing Sun 12-May-13 18:58:50

Yes evidence helps. Go to your gp and tell them if this affecting you - sleep or anxiety etc, I can't imagine it is easy living with this? Also tell your midwife about him.

Running away is not actually that easy a solution. You would be constantly worried about being found, is it safe to contact anyone you know etc. I think that is a last resort personally.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 12-May-13 20:20:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsibley Mon 13-May-13 14:02:06

Sugarpastegreyhound gives you good advice. Please please please don't put this mans name on your child's birth certificate as this will give him rights. He sounds utterly vile and if I were you I would not let him bear my child under any circumstances. I understand that is usually easy for other people to say but in this case I think it's pretty cut and dried that you are right not to let him be involved. Just absolutely do not have his name on the certificate. I really wish you all the best, well done for leaving him and keeping your baby safe.

mrsibley Mon 13-May-13 14:03:06

*near my child! Sorry x

jacks365 Tue 14-May-13 09:11:35

Do not put on birth certificate. ( he doesn't need to be on for you to claim maintenance) putting him on gives him rights whereas leaving him off just means he has a financial obligation.

If he wants access he will have to apply through court, first for parental rights and he can force a dna test for that however given what you have said the court would be unlikely to find in his favour ( if he was involved in the domestic violence you'll get legal aid but he won't)

Bonsoir Tue 14-May-13 09:14:19

Don't put him on the birth certificate, don't ask him for maintenance, cut all contact.

LunaticFringe Tue 14-May-13 09:22:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdHardFloor Tue 14-May-13 11:14:03

It wasn't him from the domestic violence it was my brother unfortunately, he was mentally unwell for a long time but he's living away from us now. He gave the laptop to me a few months ago so it's mine now, I found it when I was deleting stuff and clearing it so I'd be worried they'd think it was me or something. I should go into his flat when he's not there and print some of the stuff from his laptop out really. I don't want money off him either so I'll leave his name off the birth cert. He's so slimy and such a good actor though I'm really worried he'll make me look like I'm mad, that's what he's always done with me.

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