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How do you stop hating the Other Parent?

(25 Posts)
ParsleyTheLioness Wed 08-May-13 22:36:33

When you've been pooped on from a great height? I have tried...

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 08-May-13 22:37:14

I mean XH in this case btw.

paneer Wed 08-May-13 23:30:15

it's hard. But you just have to. I just dislike mine now rather than hate. And feel as if I have had a lucky escape.

Live your own life as fully as you can. Do all the stuff that you couldn't do before, just because you can and because you feel like it.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 08:04:10

I've had a lucky escape too...but I hate the way he went about ending the relationship. V cowardly and long did it take the hate to subside into dislike paneer?

Emz8369 Thu 09-May-13 09:17:53

Hey hun i know how you feel, my ex didnt tell me it was over he packed a bag and had it stored at a friends house then he waited until his pay went into our joint account then emptied it and fled over 200miles away to be with a woman he met on the internet

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 09:23:14

Ooh. Nasty...

keelyboo Thu 09-May-13 09:40:42

i dont know, i hate my ex for what hes done to my ds (thankfully hes 2 so doesnt realise the man hes called daddy for 2 years wants nothing to do with him) i cant imagine not hating him after that tbh.

i do make sure it doesnt impact on the girls though as far as they are concerned me and dad are friends...its hard im surprised i have teeth left from grinding them and biting my tongue

lostdad Thu 09-May-13 12:13:54

Don't hate. It'll make you bitter.

Be the better person.

It's easier said than done, true. In my case I was determined that my ex wasn't going to define me as a person or make a significant mark on my life. My other half has more influence on me more than my ex.

My ex does hate me however. She clearly hasn't moved on which mystifies me because after six years I would have thought (or more accurately, hope) that she should be entirely indifferent to me by now. She clearly isn't happy. I wish her nothing but happiness and a long life for my son's sake (although it would make my life easier). Having a kid with her feels like I am chained to someone you can't reason with who is doing their best to jump over a cliff just to take you with them.

In my ideal world we should be on each others' Christmas Card lists to speak and be able to have a civil conversation because after trying for years it has never worked. In court I was told repeatedly by judges and solicitors that in time things would improve but I knew that wouldn't be the case and time has borne that out.

Continuing to let your hate for someone years after you've parted is a blight on your life and the best revenge you can have on them is to live your life well.

ladydeedy Thu 09-May-13 19:19:53

well said lostdad.

rainbowslollipops Thu 09-May-13 19:42:22

You don't hate, you get over and care less. I used to argue with ex all the time and in fact enjoyed winding him up. Now, everytime he picks a argument, I don't swear, call him names or become immature, I simply say, I'm not arguing with you over this. We will discuss it tomorrow. I'll call you. And hang up. That way he can send me all the texts emails etc all he likes, he ain't getting nootin out of me anymore.

Theselittlelightsofmine Thu 09-May-13 19:45:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Piemother Thu 09-May-13 19:57:30

I like lostdad post.

I have periods of almost laughing about it and periods where I feel sucked back in to resentment. I am that way presently. I think I'm just frustrated and angry with myself for tolerating it so long. His abuse is like a ghost that perpetually haunts me. I am long over the relationship but I'm not even close to recovering from the abuse.
I don't hate him - its more complicated than that hmm

paneer Thu 09-May-13 19:59:10

xp still lies to me all the time (about ow/his dp), it's a joke and irritates me because the lies now make it hard not to dislike him... he no longer needs to lie.
anyhow, it's been 2 years. very civil when I see him (dd events and drop-off), but he does annoy the heck out of me.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 09-May-13 20:54:13

Pie I think thats part of it. Lots of abuse, and he continues to lie now, and tries to play new intended wife and I off against one another...I am trying to sort out holiday details, for when he is off in school holidays. I have sent about 6 emails saying can you confirm Saturday to Saturday, and he just keeps saying he is off Monday to Friday. Which I knew already. He does it on purpose, he isn't that thick, just enjoys winding me up. Always has done, all part of his gaslighting and general fwittery... I also feel I am chained to someone who continues to mess with my head. It's about a year since I decided he had no intention of changing, and a couple of months since the divorce. New wedding was announced before the divorce was through, which I thought was rather bad taste..

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 12-May-13 13:17:36

He's just collected her now. Like a knife through my heart...

PurpleThing Sun 12-May-13 15:13:54

It'll get easier. You've had a lot to deal with - break up, establishing contact, him moving on etc. in a short space of time.

I try and make a special effort to not think about him as much as possible. Otherwise if they are dominating your thoughts and using up your energy, keeping you awake - they are still controlling you.

ParsleyTheLioness Sun 12-May-13 19:21:58

You are right Purple. Finding the idea that he is getting married so soon hard too. Wedding announced before the divorce. As if I never mattered.

Dodo7 Tue 14-May-13 21:22:05

hmmm.... mine started to pack his sports bag every Sun evening now and disappears for most of the week. Says he needs to figure things out... I'm sick of fighting it. Trying to pretend he doesn't exist. DD cries herself to sleep some nights, missing him. Hate is the only option for now.

lostdad Wed 15-May-13 09:08:28

Don't get me wrong. I have a lot of hideous memories that make me want to crawl into a hole. Horrible stuff I won't forget till my dying day - shutting my son's bedroom door because it felt like he had died, taking down pictures of him, working from early till late because I didn't want to be on my own on the house on my own. Even now there is a `fresh' stuff she tries to inflict pain (6 year down the line) - like teaching my son his surname is that of her new husband (the bloke she left me for), getting him to call her latest victim husband `Daddy' and me by my first name.

If I could take a large pill to forget a whole lot of memories I would.

But I don't hate her. Or maybe I do. It's way past that. The best outcome now would be - and I would do this - would be for me and her to sit down and say `Look - you've hurt me and I've hurt you. How about calling a truce and doing our best to make the best of the situation so we can all be happy instead of doing our best to continue to point score'.

Come to think of it though...I've sent her emails with words to that effect and she has told me to get stuffed. grin

paneer Wed 15-May-13 09:14:30

lostdad, that's awful.

I cannot bear xp, but he is always going to be her dad and her only dad.

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 15-May-13 15:24:43

I think hate is useful in that circumstance. Might help motivate you. That's how I got rid of mine in the end.

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 15-May-13 15:45:09

That was to Dodo btw.

Lioninthesun Wed 15-May-13 23:34:54

I don't think I hate my ex any more. I am interested in how he pulls of the rest of his life and wonder if he ever thinks about his DD. I get annoyed with him when I think of things he could do with her and the male bonding she could have that he denies her. I feel sad and a bit <tongue out emoticon> when I think of all of the things he misses on a daily basis. I wonder if he will just turn up on our doorstep one day with requests to see her and I don't know how I will feel about that. No, I don't hate him but I am very very wary and expect the worst from him at all times.
I know it is a cliche but do what you can to build yourself up - plan things for the summer and take loads of pictures to remind you of your new life and use them as indicators for how far you have come.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 16-May-13 08:23:21

See, I could think about stopping hating him quite so much if he didn't continue to do things. My phone wire was cut a few days ago....just the sort of thing he has previous for.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 16-May-13 08:24:33

Good point about the photos Lion. Nice to meet another Lion btw...

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