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Access... What's right or wrong?!

(21 Posts)
Wrenner Tue 07-May-13 23:47:48

Looking for some friendly advice or people's experiences. I have two sons, 4 and 2. They see their dad every weekend from 9am til 530pm on the Sunday. He now wants them overnight Tuesday too. I have said I think this is too disruptive. We can't get on for 5 seconds and he's quite abusive. I think the coming and going will disrupt them especially when my 4 year old starts school in September. I've said no and literally been verbally bullied all week. I'm not trying to b selfish I am trying to do what I think is best. My 4 year old has developed really bad separation anxiety and now wakes up and sleeps in my bed every night. He's just said he wants them Friday night and bring them back Sunday evening and Tuesday evening. So I get no time at the weekend?????!!!!! What have other people done?! I think it's really important he's involved as children need both parents but I just don't know what's best confusedsad

Bossybritches22 Tue 07-May-13 23:51:37

EOW & one night mid week is usual or he gets all the fun stuff & you the hard work!

Also contact is for the childs benefit & if it is making your DS1 anxious then increasing it won't help.

If he s abusing you then ignore his calls/texts & go through a solicitor or third party

Chipschipschips Tue 07-May-13 23:54:32

To have a proper relationship with their Dad they need to stay overnight, they may find it disruptive at first but as long as he maintains a good routine they will benefit hugely in the long run.

You need to find a compromise.

Wrenner Wed 08-May-13 07:48:32

Yes they will definitely stay at least one night I just don't kno if on a school night that's fair. There's no way he would agree to every other weekend either. He can't commit really to the school run.. He works away sometimes and I kno he would start changing things.

redskynight Wed 08-May-13 08:13:07

Going from no nights to three a week just like that seems too much too fast.

What about every other weekend he has them one night to start with then more can be added as they get more confident and a little bit older, or if they react badly to it it can be stopped for a while and started up again.

It really depends on what kind of father he is and what sort of relationship he has with them, at that young age fun-dad for a day is fine, but they need grown up-dad for being cared for properly. Has he been properly involved with them up until now?

If he is verbally bullying you, don't answer the phone/door to him when he is not there to pick up the children. Harassing you all week is exactly that harassment. Also what he wants is not law. Perhaps you should suggest to him that you go to mediation to sort it out?

ladydeedy Wed 08-May-13 14:15:29

Every other weekend and one night during the week (plus half of holidays) is normal.
Much as you dont get on with him, you need to work towards this for your children's sake. It may be helpful to put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how you would feel if you only saw your children for a few hours a week? Then you ask to see more of them and have an overnight and are refused? I think it's understandable that he's pretty cross (although not condoning how he is dealing with it of course...).

balia Wed 08-May-13 18:20:32

TBH I think the contact he has now is pitiful - but it seems like there is room to compromise? Would mediation help? Could you make some alternative suggestions so it isn't just a blanket refusal?

ivykaty44 Wed 08-May-13 18:23:32

I agree with redsky that going form no over night to three over night is very fast and her suggestion of building it up.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 08-May-13 18:33:05

I would never ever agree to every weekend, that would leave me with no fun time with my kids.

Ordinarily it's every other weekend.

If he can't commit to school runs and continuity which is parenting, not just having the children when its convenient for him and only on his terms, I can't see how a weekday overnight would be practical.

Would he agree to every other weekend so from Saturday morning to Sunday night, then one week during xmas break one week during easter break and half the summer holidays?

It will need to be introduced slowly to the children, so they are comfortable and happy with the arrangement.

The above is what the courts agreed for a friend, she offered far more but he kept dicking about and this is what he got, which she's fine with except he then comes up with a myriad of reasons why he can't have the children on these set times.

Bossybritches22 Wed 08-May-13 18:56:29

If he can't do the school run could he have them & drop them back at yours in time for you to get them there a bit later?

If you say he won't agree to EOW then tough it is what is normal for NRP's he can''t dicatate. Get advice quick he is taking the piss.l

If he is away then he misses a night, when everyonw has settled into a routine you can start agreeing swaps but TBH its easier to keep it quite rigid at first.

Also don't engage with him unless you absolutely have to ignore his calls & texts unless you have to arrange/share something about the children.

ladydeedy Thu 09-May-13 19:15:56

To be fair you dont know that he cant commit to school runs - he may be able to put arangements in place. You're making assumptions that are already putting up obstacles so that you can object to his desire to have his children stay overnight.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but honestly, put yourself in his place as the NRP.

Wrenner Sun 12-May-13 20:16:10

Just realised I hadn't made it clear. He picks them up sat am and has them overnight then drops them back Sunday at 530. So all weekend he has them!!! Ladydeedy I was with the man 6 years I know him. I'm not presuming. Work will come first.

Wrenner Sun 12-May-13 20:36:27

Argh sorry to drip feed. I have suggested he sees them in the week for tea but he can't pick them up until around 520pm. Then he would have to drop them back at 7. Is that really worth it? We live about 10-15 min apart

butterflymeadow Sun 12-May-13 21:28:26

You need a solicitor and you need your sol to spell out that the children need quality time with you too, and go for EOW. If he is abusive, this will be scary, but once your sol has advised him, you can contact police if he does not respond through proper channels.
If he is abusive,I do not recommend mediation. You need a solicitor to act for you.

starlight1234 Sun 12-May-13 22:28:50

If he can't pick them up till 5.20 how is he planning to manage the evening every Tuesday...It isn't going to happen...When they start school September most of the little ones are sooooo tired..My son was in bed for 6.30 ...

Can I ask when are you getting time with your sons? ..I think the every weekend needs looking at now...It may of worked well when they were babies if you weren't working but no weekends once they start school seems harsh...

I don't think the school night is so bad..Esp as you know it will no last..He will then be giving up his access..

Wrenner Mon 13-May-13 20:21:12

I don't mind every weekend at the moment as they aren't in school and my son only does 2 afternoons and one morning at nursery. I get full days with them. Wen he starts school though I suspect ill want them more but just cannot see him ever agreeing to eow. I was going to suggest he picks them up at 4pm sAturday and has them sat night, all day Sunday and Sunday night then takes them to school Monday. That way he's involved in the school aspect, he has an extra night but I also get one of the days at the weekend?! I don't kno If that's good or not?! My heads fried I've just moved out of our home into my own place with the boys. My oldest is really affected by the split and was saying tonight " I miss daddy. Daddy is all alone in the house. He doesn't have anyone, I need to go and see him" I'm starting to suspect my ex is saying things to him. I just don't know what to do. I have another mediation on Wednesday and he will be there this time. He just bullies me and wears me down until I'm so confused by what's going on I give in. I've taken their passports because I'm worried he will flip and try and take them from me. hmm

PintandChips Tue 14-May-13 17:14:36

i would try and start doing EOW now, so that it's already natural and in place when the eldest starts school. It's the fairest way to do it. if he's only 10/15 mins from you and he's been having them overnight every weekend with no problems, there's really no reason why he shouldn't have them one night in the week too and do the school run. I totally get that it's difficult for you to spend less time with them, but it's really important for them to spend lots of time with both their parents.

NotaDisneyMum Tue 14-May-13 18:16:45

I was with the man 6 years I know him. I'm not presuming. Work will come first.

Be warned - he might change.

My ex did - I was convinced he wouldn't be able to stick to the every-other-week arrangement he argued for because he was too committed to his work; it was one of the reasons I agreed to it, because I thought it wouldn't last.

He underwent a personality transplant, argued and negotiated at work to put in place flexible hours and we're now into the fourth year of 50:50.
Actually, it's working really well for DD, and he is a good Dad, but I didn't for one minute think he's stick to it when we first agreed it, because me and DD always came second to his work when we lived together a family.

CouthyMow Tue 14-May-13 18:20:15

He doesn't HAVE to agree to EOW. Just offer that plus a midweek overnight. If he doesn't like that then he can take you to court and get...EOW and a midweek overnight!

You need time outside of school to spend time with your DC's too!

balia Tue 14-May-13 18:32:14

Sorry - didn't realise he had an overnight already - if he has a night every weekend now, would he agree to increased nights but in bigger chunks? DH and his ex have a 'full' weekend each (Fri-Sun) and then two single overnight weekends, so there is only one patch when DSS goes for a whole fortnight without seeing Dad overnight (sees him a teatime in the week). It's nice to have a full weekend so you can go away, and you will definitely need quality time when they start school, but if they're used to seeing Dad once a week a fortnight is a long time.

Wrenner Tue 14-May-13 19:17:41

Thanks for the replies. Like I've said I've really no idea of what's right or wrong and it's definitely not about withholding contact to point score. For those of you that have the midweek visit do u find this is disruptive for your children? Also he has said if its a midweek visit he will collect them around 520pm. Is this even worth it? I've got friends who say around school age their kids are in bed and knackerd early. By the time he gets them home my youngest one will probably go to sleep in the car and my oldest will b moody. Thinking of suggesting he picks them up from school on the midweek visit??? Is this unreasonable as he works or should he do this as its his day/night????

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