Feeling very alone :<(

[mandaz]

Hello, I haven't posted on this thread for a while. I am currently 23 weeks pg and seperated from my hb, awaiting a divorce. We can't officially get divorced until July as we haven't been married a full year yet. At the moment I'm staying with my parents until I've had the baby. I recieved a letter from my hb today saying that he wants nothing to do with me or the baby, he doesn't even want to see it. He also does not want to be named on the birth certificate. I really object to this as I believe that my baby has a right to know who their father is. I was going to put the baby's surname as double barrelled - my maiden name and the fathers surname (I'm going back to my maiden name) but am worried whether this is the right thing to do. If the baby has my maiden name then people would assume that I wasn't married when I got pg and whilst this doesn't matter to me, it would matter to my family. Plus there's the matter of being able to change the surname if in the future I wanted to re-marry. I really don't know what's best to do. I feel so alone and hurt. I'd be grateful for any words of advice etc

[ggglimpopo]

You need to see a lawyer, even if for the freebie half hour. I think a child has "the right" to bear the name of the father if the parents were married at the time of conception/birth. Sounds hazy - think it is the birth bit that might matter here. You need to see a lawyer. What a ba$tard. Sounds as though you are better off without him; his loss.

[bluejelly]

Poor you Mandaz... sounds like you are better off without him, there are lots of advantages to doing it on your own from the start i promise!
My ex messed me round loads, leaving, coming back etc and i reckon in many ways easier to have had a clean slate from the start.

I gave my dd her dad's surname as a middle name. She never uses it but I'm glad it's there if she wants to later if you see what I mean. Saves all the double barrelled business. Would that be acceptable to your family?

[mandaz]

I do have a solicitor who I'm working with for the divorce. I'm waiting for her to call me back so I can let her know what's happened today and I will definitely be using her in regards the situation with the baby but there's not much she can do until the baby is born. It's hard enough having to go through my pg alone without having this on top. My family have been very supportive, I don't think I could have coped without them. I'm finding the thought of being a single mum pretty daunting at the moment. I really don't want my baby to be damaged by my hb's behaviour.

[bluejelly]

Your baby won't be damaged, he/she will be loved... Much worse having a difficult, selfish partner around than a non -existent one I reckon!
Sounds like your family are being very supportive which is great. I know it's daunting but you will get through this and you will be a stronger and more sorted person as a result.
Have you thought about joining the NCT? Really wish that i did-- my SIL is a member and she gets loads of support that way...

[HappyMumof2]

what an arse. I'm sorry but you and your baby are so much better off without him.

What is the background to this? Is this sudden? the way he's turned against the baby I mean........

I would not even dignify his letter with a response, or if you do, get your solicitor to send one,telling him that you have read what he's said and if at any point he decides he wants to see the baby he will now have to go through your solicitor.

I'm sure he will crawl back, begging to see the baby at some point, they always do. But be firm. He can't go round making statements like that if he doesn't mean them.

With regard to the birth certificate, if you are still married at the time of the baby's birth I think you can put his name now without him being there. I don't know about if you are divorced.

I'm not sure what the situation for divorced parents is but if his name is on the birth certificate he will get automatic PR, so be aware of this.

Good Luck. You will get through it, and you and your baby will be fine.

[mandaz]

Thanks for all your comments. The background to the situation is that we weren't married very long - a year in July but I left him because he was abusive and controlling. His behaviour affected my health which affected my blood pressure and put my baby at risk. I was prepared for him having access and was willing to allow this for the baby's sake but now I'm not so sure. I am concerned about him having parental responsiblity because if he's not going to be around then I don't want him having a say in how the baby is raised. Also, if I do re-marry then I would want to be able to change the baby's name if it were relevant without a full scale war with him - which I'm pretty sure it would come down to, purely on the basis that he would do anything to cause trouble. My parents are worried about the child being picked on for having my maiden name (they're very old fashioned and think there's still a stigma attached) but as my husband wants nothing to do with the child I don't know that giving them his surname is going to help matters. It's all so confusing. I do appreciate your comments and opinions though, thanks

[bluejelly]

Hi Mandaz
If he is abusive and controlling then I really think that his lack of interest could be a blessing. I know it's hard facing life as a single parent but the reality is really not that bad- I promise!
My dd is six and she's never been picked on because she has my surname. Also half of her friends have divorced parents.
I think he can't get PR without a court order though though check this out with your solicitor.
Good luck and keep posting xx

[mandaz]

Thanks bluejelly. I really don't see a problem with baby having my maiden name. I guess my parents are a bit old fashioned. It's certainly daunting starting out by myself but it's encouraging to hear from people who have had similar experiences. The way I feel at the moment I'm quite happy to cut hb out of the baby's life but I wouldn't have done so if he hadn't said that's what he wants. I'll be glad when my divorce comes through and I can get on with things.

[whiskmeaway]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through - my xh never wanted to play a part in my children's lives when he was at home and now we are apart wants to be involved and is fighting me every step of the way! Believe me it's far more stressful having them in and out of your life causing unecessary hurt and upset to the children and myself.

Would give anything for me and my children to be rid of this parasite and for us to be able to move on with our lives, and for them to just grow up in a normal loving family without hinderance from a complete idiot! It really does more harm than good! We are better off without his lies, deceit, abuse etc but I have to live with this till my children are of age when at least they can decide they do or don't want to see him and I no longer have to take an active part! What a life!

[mandaz]

Thanks whiskmeaway, that must be really hard for you. I'm just hoping that my hb will stay away. I'm not entirely convinced that he's not just saying these things to hurt me but will change his mind later on. The one thing I don't want is, like you say, him coming and going and causing chaos and hurt for the child. I'm sending his letter into my solicitor to keep so that I have it on record that he doesn't want access and I really hope that'll be an end to it.

[whiskmeaway]

Don't know if taking the letter in to your Solicitor will work - my xh has written several letters stating various things and I have asked my Solicitor if I can use this against him in Court only to be told that he is within his rights to change his mind as the letters are NOT legally binding! Feeling totally disillusioned by the whole legal system at the mo - (in my case) everything seems to have gone in the fathers favour because he has his rights - despite the crap he's put us through - NONE of it has been taken into consideration!

Really hope everything works out for you. Thinking of you.

[7up]

my first son has my maiden name (different dads)and my second son has my maiden name and to shut 2nd father up i told him that ds can have his surname as a middle name and i dont use it anyway. my eldest has never been picked on for not having contact with his father or for having my name. im refusing PR at the moment, because i know that my twat ex would cause me grief about everything, i think he will be awarded it in the end apparently. pisses me off when hes a crap father anyway

[fattiemumma]

if you are married you dont need him to be there at the registration. you can name him as the father on the certificate.

As for whether to use his name or your maiden name i would say that is a very personal decision.

Hope you are able to find someone to talk to hun. He sounds like a lovely [sarcastic smiley] man and im sure you wand your child will be much happier without him.
good luck with teh pregnancy.