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Please can someone give me some advice quickly?

(10 Posts)
ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Tue 23-Apr-13 10:58:47

I am seething and crying with anger.

X left at the beginning of last November, I told him to leave because I discovered about another act of infidelity (I had a thread about it on here).

We have DS who is 2. He agreed to pay me £300 on the 23rd of each month and until today, that has been fine. I have just reminded him a couple of times but no problems.

Today I checked my account and no payment so I sent him a text to remind him. He replied that as the date he gets paid has changed, he won't be paying me until the end of the month.

I have all my direct debits based on his payment and they are coming out. I did my online shopping this morning before I had this reply. I am not broke but it will be very tight if he doesn't pay me.

He is now saying that he only needs to pay me half of what he does and that I am being unfair to expect so much. He has never ever mentioned this before.

Please can someone give me a rough guide as to what he is obliged to do. I am going to contact CAB to get some advice too but you have to wait up to 2 weeks for an appt.

He works full time and lives with his parents. No bills other than phone and running his car. I think he pays a nominal amount of rent to his parents but not certain on this (I think I just hope he does as he's such a manchild).

Oh, and can someone please congratulate me on not swearing here or to him, I am furious!

PostBellumBugsy Tue 23-Apr-13 11:01:14

Did you arrange this through the CSA? Are you sure you are getting as much as you should do?
If you haven't, I'd get on to the CSA - let them sort it out for you.

TigerSwallowTail Tue 23-Apr-13 11:05:03

The CSA have an online calculator where you can work out how much he should be paying. I'd strongly recommend having it paid through CSA, they're useless at times but in my experience far more reliable than depending on your ex to pay every month.

AnythingNotEverything Tue 23-Apr-13 11:10:55

He really should've let you know he was going to pay you late - you can politely remind him that you rely on this money for bills!

It may be best for you to go through CSA if he cannot agree on how much he should pay. The CSA website has a guide which shows what % of their income the non resident parent should pay, based on how many overnight stays they have. For example, via this calculator, my ex earns about £30k, has ds 9 nights per month, so within the CSA threshholds that's £120 per month. My ex only pays what he has to though (debts, gadgety lifestyle etc etc). I suspect most would pay what was fair, not the bare minimum.

If you struggle to agree, get the CSA involved.

And well done for staying calm!

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Tue 23-Apr-13 12:17:46

Thank you so much for the advice, I definitely saw 'the mist' this morning.

I have phoned Gingerbread and the woman was great but said that there is nothing to be done as to enforce him to pay the money.

She also advised going through the CSA. I think I'd rather have less money but on a regular basis than being stuck like this whenever he decides not to pay. God, I hate him and it's so difficult to not let DS know. DS has an ongoing medical problem and I took him to the paed yesterday, his father didn't even ask about it even though I'd told him 3 times about the appt. He keeps telling me how 'lucky' I am and that he's a great dad. He's not, he's a manchild who feeds DS rubbish whenever he sees him and has never called to ask how how he is. It's a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' with him.

How can I keep calm in front of DS? I don't want him to know about this.

PostBellumBugsy Tue 23-Apr-13 14:02:33

ItsOkay, Mumsnet & no doubt society at large is littered with those of us who have twunts as fathers of our children. There are, of course, lots of great dads out there & I'm not a man-hater, but there are also a fair few of us who got the shitty end of the stick.

I've been doing this for 10 years now & what works for me, is to try to only deal with ex-H from an admin perspective. Tell him everything but leave it up to him what he'll do and always assume that will be nothing. I try not to engage in any way shape or form in a conversation about his parenting, because it makes me go all stabby and red mistish.

I regularly congratulate myself on being superwoman (when I am not weeping with frustration at the shitty stick bit grin) and best of all I have two fab DCs, who despite one being a teen & the other being a nearly teen, think I am the best person in the universe.

I don't burden them with the shit & they have come to their own conclusions about what a giant arse their father is.

Give yourself a big hug - you are doing a great job! smile

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Tue 23-Apr-13 21:58:28

Thanks PostBellum, we are superwomen sometimes aren't we?!! I definitely felt like that after doing sleep training for a week with DS [yawning face}

It's all gone a bit out of control this evening. He's threatening legal action for visitation rights as I have said he is no longer welcome to visit DS in our house on the 2 mornings a week that he comes before work. I have hated this arrangement ever since it started but put up with it for the sake of being amicable. I now think well sod it, he doesn't go out of his way to see DS (he actually cuts his visits short every Monday so that he can go to sodding Aikido). No more Ms Nice Guy!

He sees DS 2 evenings plus 1 overnight stay one week then 1 overnight stay on the alternate week. This is plenty for a man playing at being a dad.

I have been civil in our conversation but have insisted we communicate via email now so that I have a written record of everything should I need it. He has agreed to set up a standing order so that I don't need to remind him all the time (why didn't he think of that???).

So fed up. I want DS to have his father in his life but I don't want him to be a role model.

PurpleThing Tue 23-Apr-13 22:05:16

You have done the right thing I think. Don't let him walk all over you.

I phoned Child Maintenance Options and got a lot of good advice about what ex should be paying and what were the next steps if he didn't. They can send you out an agreement for you both to sign - it's not legally binding I don't think but is at least evidence that this is what you both agreed to.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Tue 23-Apr-13 22:14:10

Thanks Purple, that's the people that Gingerbread told me to contact!

I really hate feeling like this, I hate confrontation and deep down I know my anger stems from a fear that he'll behave the way my father did (buggered off to France with his OW and left my DM and me and my DB homeless).

Why can't he just grow up? angry

wannabedomesticgoddess Tue 23-Apr-13 22:24:36

Tell him everything but leave it up to him what he'll do and always assume that will be nothing. I try not to engage in any way shape or form in a conversation about his parenting, because it makes me go all stabby and red mistish.

This has been my experience of the best thing to do in the 4 years I have been teaching this idiot to be a father. I inform him of everything so he never has a comeback.

He is supposed to pay me £100 per month. The last two months its only been £60. I no longer rely on it. I act like its not coming.

I would love to point out that just because he didnt feel like going to work a few days doesnt mean that the bills suddenly get less...but whatever. I am rising above. My DP spends more time and money and effort on his kid than he does. Soon enough she will see through him.

You are right to put your foot down about the visits that dont work for you. Dont let him see that hes getting to you.

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