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Dating - advice on supervised visits

(15 Posts)
divorcedrama37 Mon 22-Apr-13 11:23:19

Hey all, been a while since Ive posted. Have joined a dating site as keen to get back out there and have been chatting to a guy who so far seems nice and fits the bill etc. He has two children and says that he has supervised visits with them. This concerns me as a parent as my first thought was that there has been some issue in the past for these types of visits to be enforced. He says that his ex has been unreasonable and refused access so he has had to go via family court - that she has made up all sorts of nonsense and he has had to do this to prove his innocence. I have no other details but this really concerns me. Apparently the supervised viz's are to take place for 6 weeks and then reviewed. Anyone else have any experience with this? Do I need to run a mile?

cestlavielife Mon 22-Apr-13 11:27:47

you only ever going to hear his side of the story until/unless you meet his ex. of course he could be someone jumping thru hoops because of false allegations.... otoh there could be some truth.

supervised is obviously for good reason - how are you ever going to know if his ex has made stuff up or not ?

your decision - just be careful. and remember you only have one side of the story.

divorcedrama37 Mon 22-Apr-13 11:32:27

exactly my thoughts, I will proceed with caution. I do ahe a friend who's ex did make up horrendous allegations that ahd to be fought this way, but I am also aware that many guys blame their ex for their own shortcomings - I am made out to be an horrific mother by my ex, who hardly sees his kids but enjoys making out that is down to me rather than face up to his own responsibilities! I hope to think that a mother would not go down this route unless absolutely necessary?

cestlavielife Mon 22-Apr-13 11:35:48

mothers can be evil exes too. women can have serious mh/alcoholism/violence issues etc .

try and find out more about him meet his friends etcetc

keelyboo Mon 22-Apr-13 11:36:14

Id always proceed with caution in this respect, like said youre only going to get his side and i doubt my sisters ex happily admits he only had (doesnt bother any more cos hes a waste of space) supervised visits in a contact centre because he was an emotionaly abusive drunken nightmare 99.9% of the time! x

divorcedrama37 Mon 22-Apr-13 11:46:49

Thanks guys, proceed with caution and find out as much as I can first!! x

Fleecyslippers Mon 22-Apr-13 16:13:58

Run like the wind. To anybody who listens to my Ex, I am a vindictive, spiteful bitch who stops him from seeing his kids with no reason. He usually fails to mention the police cautions, the findings of domestic violence in court, the social services monitoring and his reign of terror over us for 15 years.

He is now allowed unsupervised contact with the children. Courts do not insist on supervised contact without evidence or supporting statements (despite what F4J might say wink )

On a night out in a club,I listened to some idiot berating his wife about his lack of unsupervised contact with his kids. I couldn't get away from him. And he showed his true colours when my brother stepped in to ask him to leave me alone.

There are PLENTY of amazing single dads out there who have 'normal' contact with their kids. Don't risk getting yourself embroiled in someone with this much baggage.

PurpleThing Mon 22-Apr-13 21:05:23

There is a bit in Lundy Bancroft's book about how you should be very wary of any man who blames everything on his ex, claims she made stuff up to stop him seeing the kids, is totally unreasonable etc.

It is possible in some cases that all this is true, of course. But Bancroft says he has a huge amount of dv clients whose wives/girlfriends say that the man had a story about a terrible ex. It is a way of gaining sympathy, makes a new gf want to prove to him that not all women are bad, help in the fight for him to see his kids etc.

Fleecyslippers Mon 22-Apr-13 21:19:42

Purplething I found that to be one of the most powerful parts of Lundys writing - about how the man will relate, with tearful eyes, how his Ex is so awful and so nasty and so vindictive that the new woman falls for it completely sad

Piemother Wed 24-Apr-13 10:19:06

Re fleecy post - exactly my thoughtsz even my fool of an ex is quite complementary about me now. Supervised visits are a big red flag.

Piemother Wed 24-Apr-13 10:24:17

I am v over due getting that book.

If it helps or makes a point it something I have met a potential dp who has dc. From what I can gather his ex can't bear the sight if him and yet he still has a very good contact schedule with his dc that was agreed out of court quite easily. He doesn't slag her off and or compare us. I have realised now that this is reasonable non eA behaviour grin

SingleMama Thu 25-Apr-13 21:08:32

Agree with fleecy slippers. Run like the wind!

divorcedrama37 Fri 03-May-13 12:56:42

Thanks guys. . .I have since found out he is out of work and has alcohol issues!! Way too much baggage and a red flag for me!! xx Will keep optimistic and looking!! x

mrswimpeydimple Thu 30-May-13 09:25:37

Thank you MN once again for giving me an answer to a niggling question when I've searched. I have been chatting on OKC to a nice man but some red flags have appeared and thanks to this thread I realise I should take heed of my own gut instinct and not take it further. Said man is single, two kids under 5 that profile says he looks after 80% of the time whilst studying for a degree (i.e. no job). After exchanging messages turns out he hasn't seen them for a couple of months, is having to go to court to gain access and now has a date to see them at a contact centre because he claims the ex has made untrue accusations about him and he is having to prove himself to the court. No smoke without fire and I have previously managed to extract myself and my DS from an EA ex who was the type to claim all sorts about his ex and how awful blah blah blah they were.

calmingtea Thu 30-May-13 09:50:14

If it were me, I think that whether he is "innocent" or not, it is way too much baggage for a first date kind of man. I would move on quickly and just think not worth it for a guy I have only chatted to on the internet.

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