Advanced search

Father dont want to kno until now

(7 Posts)
Truelyblessedmumma93 Fri 19-Apr-13 13:49:50

Hey guys i need your advice on what to do..i have a one year old and i have a partner that ive been with for over a year now she calls him dad(which many of you ppl will judge me) but hes been there from three months mayb even longer than that...her biological father didnt want me to have her and he was a control freak made me feel like i werent wanted,didnt let me have frends as males n i had no self asteem etc...he use to always send me horrible messages like i onli have one kid which is hes son and hes never wanted my lil one now all ov a sudden he wants to b a part in her life and i dont think he deserves her as he never wanted her and onli wants to kno now and the other day he saw me with my lil one and looked at her and walked past sooo confused n im hurting right now because my partner has been there and he class my lil one as hes own an he does everything a father should do whereas the real father hasnt..people such as some family members say i should give him a chance because my lil one will hate me please help i dont kno what to do

ClearlyDad Fri 19-Apr-13 14:37:46

I'd say (and this is as a dad) that you should stick to your guns. Your child has a "normal family life" without him, and if he was useless/non-involved then that's his loss. One thing you could do... marry the new guy and have him legally adopt the kid!

pipsqueakz Fri 19-Apr-13 14:43:34

What a tricky situation u are in. I sympathise. I had v similar situation years ago. My children are in there teens now and can make their own decisions. My kids saw their dad twice week. But things got complicated and messy as time went on. Then solicitors came into play, mediation and such. But he didn't wanna know after a while thought he could buy their love. Kids know what side their bread is buttered on but they need to have the choice and sorry to say the dad need the opportunity. At least u can't say u didn't try.only my opinion mind.take care pip

pipsqueakz Fri 19-Apr-13 14:47:06

Clearly dad is right too the kids need 'normal family' courts favor the child's welfare obvious and family unit is the key. But as I said nobody can fault you if you explore all avenues x

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 19-Apr-13 14:53:17

I think you need to ask your Ex why he now wants contact and what he will bring to DC's life. Then take it from there.

lostdad Fri 19-Apr-13 14:55:23

If he's that determined to do something about it including the court route he'll likely get contact regardless of the situation so far. It doesn't matter if he's not on the birth certificate either because he can apply for that too.

Of course the argument against it and any solicitor you would use would be simply that he has disappeared for a year and reappeared and the status quo has been established. Nevertheless, should he make an application to court he will likely get contact at some point no matter how vehemently you object. He will likely get overnight contact, etc. at some point too.

With all this in mind I would advise you:

a) Speak to him about what he actually wants. If he demands overnight contact straightaway compromise. Agree to something after a specified period (`When I say so' or `When I am ready' won't be sufficient - in my opinion as a father and a McKenzie Friend).
b) If you can't agree anything with him organise mediation.
c) Understand that it's not just about your ds seeing his dad - it's about his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - a potentially large number of people he is related to.

I know it's hard and if I were advising your ex the first words out of my lips would be `You've not done yourself any favours by doing a vanishing act for a year'. But please understand that if he pushes things enough to take things to court you will almost invariably wish you had come to some side of agreement without the distress and expense that a court hearing will cost.

PurpleThing Fri 19-Apr-13 21:15:15

I agree with your family members. Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work and you have good reason to be angry with him. However, he is her bio father, there is nothing you can do about that. It is great if she has a good relationship with your dp but a child can't have too many people who care about her.

She will most likely always wonder about her bio dad and this can cause children difficulties when they are older. It's not about what he deserves (kick up the arse by the sounds of things) but about what your dd deserves.

Take things slow and be sure that he needs to prove himself - that he is reliable and responsible. And very importantly that he is respectful towards you. If you don't feel comfortable being around him would one of your family members supervise contact to begin with? It could start with just and hour or two a week.

You could contact Women's Aid to get advice and work out a suitable plan of how this could work.

But don't put up with any crap from him, be sure this is about him having a relationship with your dd, not an excuse to get at you.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: