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day 3 of being a lone parent, please tell me it gers easier

(24 Posts)
2anddone Tue 16-Apr-13 20:16:10

Husband told dc Sunday he wasn't going to live at home as he doesn't love mummy. They are a mess, I am a mess though trying to hide it from them. I gave them yesterday at home with me and went into their school and preschool to explain situation so they can get support there. It has all happened completely out of the blue, though fortunately due to shift work the dc are used to him not being here sometimes at bedtime or in the mornings so its not a completely alien concept that daddy is not here. Only that he will be back for visits.They seem fine in the day but are not falling to sleep well at night. I am exhausted, he is coming to visit tomorrow after school, will this mess them up more? I don't know what to do for the best, sorry for rambling

2anddone Tue 16-Apr-13 20:17:23

Sorry for typing and grammar am on my phone blush

freemanbatch Tue 16-Apr-13 20:59:22

it gets easier, it really does, I promise smile

Right now you're in shock and so are the kids, that is normal and is something you will work through together over the next few days. You are also, if you're anything like me, filling your mind with all the things that could possibly go wrong and all the things you've never done or don't think you can do and all the worst case scenarios for things that could happen weeks and months from now. Again that is perfectly normal right now.

Once you are through the initial shock your mind will clear little by little and you will develop a new normal, with routines that work for you and the kids and you will find it gets easier and easier.

Try not to look too far ahead right now, just focus on what you and kids need to get through each day together. Don't put pressure on yourself and you will get there, If I can anyone can smile

Good luck.

chitofftheshovel Tue 16-Apr-13 21:28:25

It does get easier. It really does. But in all honesty it does take time.

How old are your children?

Mine were two and four when me and their dad split up and they went from going to bed/sleep just fine to really playing up at bedtime. Eventually I had enough and took every toy out of their room (I mean every) and stashed them in the garage and they earnt back a toy each time they went to bed properly. It sounds harsh but they were pushing the boundries and I felt I had to re-instate the boundries on my terms. Daytimes are for discussing feelings etc

It is very early days for you and I agree with Free, take one day as it comes, or at least one week.

On a day to day level how is it going to affect you and the running of the household? ie was he hands on making meals, doing dishes, bathing children etc or were you very much the runner of the house?

I guess you also need to think about where his contact with the children takes place - you might not always want him coming into your home.

Children (in my childhood experience and my adult experience) are extraordinarily resilliant, just make sure to look after yourself (I know, easier said than done) and they will be just fine.

Take care

27helptoall Tue 16-Apr-13 21:56:36

It will get easier

queenofthepirates Tue 16-Apr-13 22:07:56

It does get easier and soon you'll positively love it! The spare time for you when the kids go to their dad's, the one to one time and the special moments. It will be okay but please do take all offers of help, be incredibly kind to yourself and take it easy. xxx

sailingmummy Tue 16-Apr-13 22:55:02

It does get easier. I told my lying husband to go back at the beginning of November. The first week was emotionally very hard and my daughter (6) especially played up for a few weeks, however my son who was 4 at the time has seemed to cope very well. I work full time as a teacher and couldnt face going into work, and my school were really unsympathetic, so I went to the docs and poured out my heart, and got signed off for a week to try and sort myself out. Best thing I could have done...
Now, 5 1/2 months later, we have settled into a good, but tiring groove. I still work full time, my children are at school all day, and are coping really well generally. I am exhausted, but we have got into a pattern, and the children help a lot more, by doing simple things like tidying their rooms, putting toys back, helping carry plates etc to me at the dishwasher etc.
They see their dad one day every weekend, but thats it ...but we are ok!
The house is on the market now and I'm trying to make it all exciting for them (we will move locally)...however I am anticipating another difficult period when we do actually move...We'll see...I'm selling the idea of living closer to their grandparents in the next village, choosing paint for their new bedrooms and so on.

Keep going...chocolate and a small glass of wine each night work wonders smile

BlackeyedSusan Tue 16-Apr-13 22:57:41

honestly, it gets better. it all felt such a responsibility at first. everything needed thinking about. ds would not sleep on his own. the jobs that he used to do around the house were the worst. i have got used to doing most of them now, still hate taking out the bins though. sad (he did not do many things though, so that helped... and therer was lot less washing. i think he collected one of the bags of washing a year after he left. I just put it in a bin bag and put it in " his" wardrobe)

you will adjust to your new routine. it will become comfortable and content again.

good luck!

lukymum Tue 16-Apr-13 23:02:48

It does get easier hun, but give yourself some time. You'll be angry, sad, ok, angry again.

Good luck and hugs.

2anddone Tue 16-Apr-13 23:54:00

Thanks everyone. The dc are 7 and 4. They have always gone to bed really well but even though they are not putting up a fuss at bedtime they are struggling to go to sleep. I was very much the runner of the house and the only thing I didn't do was flea the dog and diy but I can learn or ask for help.

sailingmummy Wed 17-Apr-13 20:02:10

my children are 6 and 5, as I said, it does get a lot easier. Best things about seperation/ divorce so far for me:

No annoying third child (husband) around house
No smelly socks
No toenail clippings 'missing' the bathroom bin
Tons less washing
Nobody to get in the way ;)

It's tiring doing everything yourself - including sorting out troublesome children ;)
Noone to do the crappy jobs like putting bins out!

So....the advantages definately outweigh the disadvantages!

chitofftheshovel Wed 17-Apr-13 20:45:38

If they are not putting up a fuss at bed time it is different from the scenario I wrote about above. To be honest mine are struggling to go to sleep at the mo with the lighter nights.

If you were the runner of the household anyway you'll actually find it easier - no resentment that your 'partner', 'team-mate' 'friend'' is not doing anything.

I'm sure I could add loads to SM's list of advantages but I'll add my favourite - you can starfish in bed/read in the middle of the night and best of all not get disturbed by any snoring!

MissPricklePants Wed 17-Apr-13 20:51:19

I have been a lone parent for nearly 4 years and dd is nearly 4. It will get easier, it can be hard and lonely but you will eventually see the positives of it. Keep talking, we are here if you need us!

ivykaty44 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:51:56

It does get easier

my dd1 used to come into bed with me for a cuddle and then take herself back to bed, when baby arrived she stopped. But if you all want then all get into bed together and have big cuddles every night, make your new family how you want

The dc will settle once they know it is ok now mum and dad live apart

don't worry to much about holding it together for the dc - in some ways dc can think that by you holding it together means you don't care... so a few tears are good

pod3030 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:56:02

it does get easier- taking it day by day, planning fun things to do together, appreciating the small things and of course, the huge support i got from mumsnet all helped me through.

Don't be too proud to ask for help/support from friends and family.

I really like not having another (moody) adult around now to cramp my style and bring me down. Dd (17m) and i are a team and the future is looking bright, such a contrast to 6 months ago when i felt bereft and scared.

Cravingdairy Wed 17-Apr-13 21:00:35

No advice but wine to a happy future for you and your children.

2anddone Wed 17-Apr-13 21:27:51

Thanks everyone, he came round tonight for tea and to put the dc to bed. It was awkward but friendly in the eyes of the dc. Once they had gone to bed however I suggested that we discuss which days he would like to see the children as it has been random days all over the place and I think it would be best if they know daddy always visits on this and this day. He got really nasty and said he can see them when he wants and if I am going to stop him best we talk about money!
I am a full time student, we have a mortgage I certainly cannot afford on top of everything else and when he first discussed leaving he said he would continue to pay the mortgage and utility bills until my course had ended and I got a job. Do you think this is his way of holding me to ransom over how much he gets to visit the dc?

ivykaty44 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:44:46

Op's he wants to just pop in and see his dc when ever he wants? Well what happens if you have a man there? What happens if you are all out or all in the bath? You know he thinks he can have his cake and eat it...

Thing is a man leave his home and he thinks he can just drop back in time and everything will stay the same wife will be there children there etc - he doesn't understand that things will move on and he has taken himself out of the family home to his new life and thats ok but you 2and done need to make sure you are just the same.

This is very very raw for you but you need to stand firm, he can't just come and go as he pleases and he he doesn't want to pay the mortgage and bills until your course is finished then tell him the house will have to be sold and you will move somewhere else - call his bluff if you like

Tell him he needs to have a routine with the children and you are not the nanny but their other parent and he needs to take them off and out for days weekends etc so just popping in when he feels like it will not do.

2anddone are you aware that in all likelihood there is someone else on the horizon?

2anddone Wed 17-Apr-13 21:48:11

Yes I am very aware of that however he of course swears blind that there isnt hmm

Wereonourway Wed 17-Apr-13 22:05:24

I'm sorry you are having such a shitty time 2anddone.

I left my twunt ex last summer and am so much happier being a single mum. I know this has been a shock for you and it's different but I'm sure you will cope.

What I would say is this, and it kind of comes from recent experience but mostly is regurgitated advice from fabulous ladies on here who know their stuff.

Don't engage with him, say no and mean it. He cannot walk in and out when he likes, do not take what he says as gospel about money.

Find a good local solicitor and speak to them(you should get a free half hour) about housing/money/contact with the dc.

I've seen my solicitor three times, been stronger at each letting and the resulting letters have been enough for my ex to stop bullying me and thinking he can do what he likes.

Have a good look through the relationships board, there are some ladies who have been through so much and their strength and conviction has Ben an inspiration to me. I only wish I had toughened up and approached solicitor earlier.

Good luck, keep your chin up, feel free to pm me if you want to offload, as ive said im not an expert but i can listen --and call your dh any name you want me to--other posters did this for me and it was such a help.

ivykaty44 Wed 17-Apr-13 22:10:53

2anddone - this maybe why he got nasty about the children, he wants to be a free agent to come and go as he pleases, if he gets tied up with them for a day or overnight it will make things difficult.

Concentrate you you and the dc, and making sure you three are all ok

Dervel Thu 18-Apr-13 02:52:53

For starters, although it might not feel like it your first post says it all. Your entire focus is on your children, you mentioned nothing whatsoever about your own needs (please don't forget about you). Your communication with their schools and focus on them when your heart must be breaking into a million pieces makes it clear to me you are a first class mother!

Now as to your ex. He has for whatever reason broken up a family, and is suffering under the misconception that everything can carry on precisely as he wishes. It sounds like he thinks finance is a weapon he can wield to maintain control. It is not, and more to the point if he succeeds it is a terrible precedent to set for your little ones, they will grow up watching how mummy and daddy resolve conflicts. I suspect he won't succeed as you have already intuited that in a period of such turmoil what your children need is as much stability and routine as possible. Plus they have one very positive role model to learn from. You.

All I can do is echo the sound advice to see a solicitor, plus marshal every friend, family member, people on mumsnet and get familiar with your support network. Also if you are a student inform your tutor, and get in contact with your student union. They will often have a comprehensive support system to help members get through tough times, and often have good relationships with academic departments. They also should have trained counsellors that come in should you need to bend someone's ear a spell.

You must feel utterly adrift on very stormy seas, the weather will clear. Things will settle, meanwhile fortify yourself with as much information and support as you can to navigate through this difficult time.

ethansmummy2012 Mon 22-Apr-13 01:31:38

Hi. I too am on day r
3 of lone parenting and my husband left out of the blue too.

We have a 13 month old DS who doesn't sleep well at night so I feel like I'm running on empty.

I'm praying it gets easier x sad

2anddone Mon 22-Apr-13 22:45:07

Ethansmummy I am now on day 9 and it is getting easier. I can now tell people he has left without bursting into tears. I have spent all week on the phone sorting financial help and the dc are not as upset as they were. Still working on the lonely feeling once they are in bed though. Dd is 4 and still doesn't always sleep through I have been bringing her into my bed just so I get some rest x

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